Fall is not normally the time that we think of as renewal – that is what we think of in the spring, or maybe the start of the new year. But it is very clear to me that I have started a cycle of renewal, and it feels great.
It feels as if I am loosening a number of chains that were tied around my shoulders. It is easy to come up with that analogy, as most of my body work in massage is around my shoulders. My massage therapist has suggested that it is as if I am carrying something and won’t let it go. I think I am carrying a number of false beliefs, and as I see them as likely false, I am clinging to them for comfort and familiarity. Then I am complaining because it hurts.
I have a few BIG life issues that have presented themselves, and I normally address big problems with big solutions – all based in my head, using intellect as the solution. But the Universe, in its wisdom, has presented me with healing opportunities that cannot be solved by intellect alone. They are emotional in nature, and require connection, clarity, and peace with my emotions and with my Self. Uh oh…
And in case I can’t see those clearly enough for myself, I have been supporting people who have analogous situations. Can’t avoid looking in a mirror and seeing yourself, now can I?
So, my current homework is asking myself some basic questions: Who am I? How do I want to be? How do I want to be in relationships? These are basic, fundamental questions, that are somewhat at the core to every person’s experience. And here I am, asking them of my self with surprisingly few answers.
Who am I? When am I my most authentic self? I was working on this with a friend, whose answers and perspective surprised me. He told me he experienced me as my most authentic when I was trying something new. He said I expressed myself in those situations with vulnerability and openness, speaking through my eyes and my heart. He said I was less confident in those situations, and put on less of a persona at those times. Interesting…
If I were to answer that question, I would have said it was when I am teaching. I feel incredible energy, flow, and connection. But I associate teaching with my head, not my heart. As my friend probed the experience deeper, it was apparent that I surround each student in the room with love and compassion, and try to individualize the learning for each of them, to pull out their best potential. Huh! Sounds like heart to me too.
I don’t have answers. I have more questions. And I feel a bit of apprehension because I think this is another one of those scenarios where I have been carrying around an image of myself, but it is not ME. I so sincerely want to be seen, to be known for who I am, and yet I seem to have symbolically hidden behind a door that I am hoping will be opened. There are moments I feel confused, stuck, and scared.
On the other hand, I have a strong intuition that something truly amazing and remarkable in happening inside me. I feel like I am beginning to wake up, to really live. It feels pretty good as each link
to the chain loosens, and falls to the ground. So, while I go back to the basics about who I am, I am also going back to the basics of healing: I am practicing gratitude, journalling, and working with the chakras. These were my practice 15 years ago, and here I am again.