I recently read a quotation that said “We are most angry when we feel most unloved.” This is true for me, as I find anger to be a great internal alarm bell that something I am doing, or something I am allowing to be done, does not line up with the truth of my soul. So, what if we are most likely to judge when we feel most unsafe? Let me tell you how I arrived at that question.
Last Friday was Kundalini Dance, and we were working on the Solar Plexus Chakra. I had come to the previous Root and Sacral Chakra classes with some trepidation, because I have known that I needed to work on greater alignment with those, and opening to areas that you have ignored can surface things that need time and attention. But I joyfully, almost arrogantly, showed up at Solar Plexus because it is my source of power. I am highly intuitive, and I feel great power in this chakra. So, at the start of the class, I was feeling pretty good about myself and my night. (Note the smugness…because it won’t last. *L*)
We danced, and I felt great! Alive! Powerful! And then we were asked to elevate the energy from solar to heart chakra. All of a sudden, my confident body began to cave inwards. I wanted to hide in corners, not dance in the center of the room. I began to feel small, and shy. So it was time to listen to what was happening. What I heard was surprising to me: I am afraid of men, afraid of violence from men, afraid of sexual advances from men, and I feel too small to protect myself.
This is not unrealistic, nor should it surprise me (although it DOES surprise me – I work in a male dominated industry and I manage working with male energy well). I lived in domestic violence as a child. I have had a knife raised in threat against me. I have been sexually assaulted twice, and I have felt the threat of sexual assault a few times when walking on university campus. I took on adult roles as a child in my home, and dealt with the violence that was happening almost as the grown up or parent. Since no one else was dealing with it, it fell to me. And I was so young…too young…too small. I was five feet, two inches and maybe 100 pounds. So, since I couldn’t get bigger by being taller, I became bigger by putting on a layer between me and the pain of the world.
Ok, so that answers the questions about security. How does judgement fit into this story? I am not good at handling disappointment. I am highly educated and a senior leader, and I have learned to manage much of my world to avoid things going BOOM! But, in my personal life, if someone disappoints me, I become judgemental and angry. I know intellectually that there are reasons for someone to disappoint me, and that disappointment is actually a choice on my part. And yet, being disappointed by someone with whom I have deep relationship really sets me back into some very old patterns of hurt and anger.
Disappointment, anger, hurt, judgement…these are all aspects of control. Eureka! The link here is security and control. My childhood was fraught with situations that were unsafe, and violence could erupt at any time. I became pretty good at controlling as many circumstances as possible to predict and control what might happen. I studied psychology, and learned to read interests, all of which allow me to predict and control my circumstances. Part of that has made me valued as a results oriented person – I know how to get things done. And the converse is that if a person disappoints me, he or she has acted in a way that I did not expect. He or she did not fit within my controls, and has triggered my feelings of insecurity and feeling unsafe. Because if they are not predictable or in my control, then what is? I am not angry that the person disappointed me (I try really hard to be accepting and loving) – I am angry because the person reminded me that I am not in control.
There is really only one answer to this, and that is stepping into the flow of consciousness, of trust in the divine. I have stopped the flow of energy in my body, trying to control and exude power and confidence as a shield – but that is not flow, and my body knows it. I DO feel unsafe a lot of the time. I have a low threshold for violence around me, and I avoid it. And yet, I know that I can trust the flow of divine consciousness. I know that safety is within me. I know that I am powerful – which does not mean that life will not throw difficult circumstances in my path – but that I am perfectly equipped to be at peace with all that is around me. I can be a Champion, like a knight, not just for others (I used to call myself the Champion of the Underdog), but for ME, for my inner child. So, this week, I will be breathing into my Solar Plexus, and watching softly as all around me changes.