Eureka! I am Judgemental – and Afraid

I recently read a quotation that said “We are most angry when we feel most unloved.” This is true for me, as I find anger to be a great internal alarm bell that something I am doing, or something I am allowing to be done, does not line up with the truth of my soul.  So, what if we are most likely to judge when we feel most unsafe? Let me tell you how I arrived at that question.

Last Friday was Kundalini Dance, and we were working on the Solar Plexus Chakra.  I had come to the previous Root and Sacral Chakra classes with some trepidation, because I have known that I needed to work on greater alignment with those, and opening to areas that you have ignored can surface things that need time and attention.  But I joyfully, almost arrogantly, showed up at Solar Plexus because it is my source of power.  I am highly intuitive, and I feel great power in this chakra.  So, at the start of the class, I was feeling pretty good about myself and my night.  (Note the smugness…because it won’t last. *L*)

We danced, and I felt great! Alive! Powerful! And then we were asked to elevate the energy from solar to heart chakra. All of a sudden, my confident body began to cave inwards.  I wanted to hide in corners, not dance in the center of the room.  I began to feel small, and shy.  So it was time to listen to what was happening.  What I heard was surprising to me: I am afraid of men, afraid of violence from men, afraid of sexual advances from men, and I feel too small to protect myself.

This is not unrealistic, nor should it surprise me (although it DOES surprise me – I work in a male dominated industry and I manage working with male energy well).  I lived in domestic violence as a child.  I have had a knife raised in threat against me.  I have been sexually assaulted twice, and I have felt the threat of sexual assault a few times when walking on university campus.  I took on adult roles as a child in my home, and dealt with the violence that was happening almost as the grown up or parent.  Since no one else was dealing with it, it fell to me.  And I was so young…too young…too small. I was five feet, two inches and maybe 100 pounds.  So, since I couldn’t get bigger by being taller, I became bigger by putting on a layer between me and the pain of the world.

Ok, so that answers the questions about security.  How does judgement fit into this story?  I am not good at handling disappointment.  I am highly educated and a senior leader, and I have learned to manage much of my world to avoid things going BOOM!  But, in my personal life, if someone disappoints me, I become judgemental and angry.  I know intellectually that there are reasons for someone to disappoint me, and that disappointment is actually a choice on my part.  And yet, being disappointed by someone with whom I have deep relationship really sets me back into some very old patterns of hurt and anger.

Disappointment, anger, hurt, judgement…these are all aspects of control. Eureka!  The link here is security and control.  My childhood was fraught with situations that were unsafe, and violence could erupt at any time.  I became pretty good at controlling as many circumstances as possible to predict and control what might happen.  I studied psychology, and learned to read interests, all of which allow me to predict and control my circumstances.  Part of that has made me valued as a results oriented person – I know how to get things done.  And the converse is that if a person disappoints me, he or she has acted in a way that I did not expect.  He or she did not fit within my controls, and has triggered my feelings of insecurity and feeling unsafe.  Because if they are not predictable or in my control, then what is?  I am not angry that the person disappointed me (I try really hard to be accepting and loving) – I am angry because the person reminded me that I am not in control.

There is really only one answer to this, and that is stepping into the flow of consciousness, of trust in the divine.  I have stopped the flow of energy in my body, trying to control and exude power and confidence as a shield – but that is not flow, and my body knows it.  I DO feel unsafe a lot of the time.  I have a low threshold for violence around me, and I avoid it.  And yet, I know that I can trust the flow of divine consciousness.  I know that safety is within me.  I know that I am powerful – which does not mean that life will not throw difficult circumstances in my path – but that I am perfectly equipped to be at peace with all that is around me.  I can be a Champion, like a knight, not just for others (I used to call myself the Champion of the Underdog), but for ME, for my inner child.  So, this week, I will be breathing into my Solar Plexus, and watching softly as all around me changes.

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My Guru is 5 Years Old

I am a bit of an emotional neophyte.  If you require something of me that is intellectual, or spiritual, I am all over it and I can bring a sort of wisdom to that conversation.  And if it is psychological, or requires the ability to read another person or their interests, I am a master.  But, if the issue is about looking in the mirror, looking into my heart, or looking at my needs, I resemble my 5 year old.  I can say this, because it is through her that I am learning to set limits, take care of my own needs, and set boundaries.

I sat in counseling, stressing over how I had reacted to my daughter’s father when he was distracted by his computer while she was trying to get his attention.  I had snapped at him, and told him to pay attention to her, that not responding to her repeated “Daddy?” was rude and diminished her.  My counselor asked how my daughter reacted.  Honestly, she was fine and persisted in calling to him.  I felt he could have stopped and told her he was busy but would get to her in a few minutes.  When I reflect on how I felt, it was parallel to how I hate to feel invisible.  I feel invisible when my needs are ignored, or if my feelings are judged and not accepted.  My counselor asked me if I could teach my daughter to take care of her own needs around this situation.  I was at a complete loss.  I had no idea what it would mean to take care of one’s own needs.  None.  The counselor suggested that my daughter took care of her own needs by both checking to see if Daddy heard her, and ultimately in walking away until later.  In those cases, I would have felt invisible.  My daughter did not.

As I have said before, I resent even having needs.  I will push myself too far, and then complain that I am suffering.  I don’t want to acknowledge my needs to others.  Some of that is fear of being vulnerable.  Some of it is admitting that I may not be good enough in some way, because I am not confident my needs will be heard or met.  And if they are not, then clearly it is because I did not deserve it, because I am not good enough.  And that vicious circle ends with resenting having needs because I am caught between the desire to be cared for, and the desire to hide my “not good enough” fear deep in the dark.

Blessedly, my daughter does not have this.  She role models for me a constant trust that her needs will be met.  Sure, there is the 5 year old wheedling but when the boundary around something is set, she accepts that and finds a new way to be ok with what IS. So what if I met my own needs? I have spent so much time focusing on trying to ask for my needs to be met, I have not explored the possibility that my needs are MINE, and can be met by ME.

The best example I have of knowing I can do this is reflecting on my trip to Hawaii.  While I was not necessarily happy every minute of the day, I was ME.  I expressed my needs, my emotions, my joys, my fears, my opinions, my caring.  I did things that made me vulnerable.  I had deep important conversations.  I took risks.  And as a result, I was in my body more, in my heart more, and in my love more.  I ate differently.  I moved through my days – meaning I had the awareness that what was around me was beautiful, impermanent, and not “real”.  I was a soul having a human experience in a new and different illusion.  And I was deeply connected to divine energy.

I have lost some of that awareness now that I am home.  I felt it shift almost as soon as I was on the plane. I was thinking of all the things I needed to get done, all the details of my life.  At work, I have been consumed with Head/Intellect issues.  And I am frankly really tired right now.  I think it is less a physical fatigue and more of an emotional sadness.  It is my heart that is invisible, and I am not meeting my own needs at that level. I actually binged again this week (have not done that in about a year) because I just could not get through my day.  So, I swallowed my feelings and my needs down.

Tonight, I have Kundalini Dance.  That will give me a chance to get back to my heart. What I have not figured out yet is how to bring that heart/head balance into my day every day.

My daughter has a purple blanky.  When she is upset, she wants to hold it.  It is her comfort object, and is soothes her almost instantly.  She has figured out how to take care of her own needs.  I am still building my purple blanky.   

I have always loved Paddington Bear. I have a small collection, and they make me smile.

There is a Place

Recently, my focus has been on love and relationship.  I believe that “the purpose of all relationships is to create a sacred context within which you can express the fullness of who you are.” – Neale Walsch

I have found myself less willing to accept the traditional views of relationship, marriage, romance, partnerships.  Traditional marriage was a safety net.  It was emotional, and financial, of course.  And, for a number of reasons, that is precisely what I needed.  I had influences of narcissism and co-dependency in my life.  I lived in violence as a young person.  So, a marriage that was safe, secure, filled with love and emotional interdependency was essential to my healing.  And I was particularly blessed in my marriage in this way!

 
There is a new paradigm emerging, called Spiritual PartnershipThe underlying premise of a spiritual partnership is a sacred commitment between the partners to assist each other’s spiritual growth.
 
Aha!  This resonates.  It captures the restlessness I feel.  I have had a sense of longing for so long – a loneliness that I assumed was normal, and maybe a sign of something being wrong with me, or a blockage in my growth.  I no longer think that.  I believe that my soul was longing for a more complete expression of self, which in turn is a more complete expression of soul, and of the Divine.
 
Currently, I am in the transition of my attachment to the security of the type of relationship I have strived for and known for 15 years, to the ambiguous dynamic that is the new manifestation of possibility.  I am sad, scared to death, and grieving the loss of what I have had and known so well.  But, I also know that to stay in the “way things used to be” will kill me spiritually, emotionally, and maybe even physically. (Heart disease is spiritually symbolic of a challenge in giving and receiving love.  My family is prone to it, so I have spent my life working on this openness to love.)
 
I wrote this poem a year ago, but it is still reflective of my soul’s desire. What I value most in relationships is the ability to express myself fully, and to live my spiritual growth.  
 
 ~~~~~~~~~~~
 
There is a place
Between my heart and my mind
Where we live.
 
Here, we are whole
No words are needed
To be divine Oneness.
 
In this place,
What passes between eyes
Is all that is said.
 
What passes between forms
As touch
Is truth
 
In this place
Distance is a hair breadth
Traversed in a thought.
 
Space & time
Become irrelevant
When light is all there is.
 
Uniting in a state of love
In relation to the Other,
In relation to and as the One.
 
Between my heart & mind
There is only you & me
Again and again.

We Will Figure It Out

“So, how do we get to Pu’ulo?”

 We started many sentences this week with “So how do we…” followed by some place or something we wanted to do in Hawaii. Usually we would try to work it out on some poorly drawn not to scale map. Often we would just start driving and say “oh well, we will figure it out”.  And we managed to arrive every place we were trying to find. 

This was helpful because somewhere this week I became absolutely useless. I’m usually a superb navigator, and I made screw ups of a magnitude similar to the Bugs Bunny line “sheesh I shoulda turned left at Albequerque”. My travel partner, a Magus, laughed every time and got us back on track.  Honestly, if it hadn’t been for him, there was a night I may have ended up sleeping on the beach…another where I was hopelessly turned around on a country road…you get the picture!

One night we climbed down into a crater, not anticipating how quickly the sun sets nor how arduous the climb back up in pitch dark would be. I am not great at climbing, and there were many times I just wanted to stop, to give up.  It was pitch dark.  Not only was the climb strenuous, but it was really hard to see the unpaved natural path.  But as we started up the path, wondering how long the light on my iPhone would last to illuminate the rocky path, we both knew we would figure it out.

 The Magus and I have had a relationship peppered with the baggage of each of our healing paths. I’m carrying a lot of insecurity and confusion around relationships.  I have had a painful history around relationships, both in terms of what has been role modelled for me, and in what I have experienced.  I have been told we are attracted to exactly the right person to trigger our family of origin healing issues and that it takes about 10 years for that to play itself out.  This has been true for me, and I am frankly lost right now.  And he is carrying his own blockages around communication and self-expression.  The Magus is incredibly wise in many ways, and at a total loss with some aspects of relationship in other ways.  I can make him feel like he is not enough.  He can make me feel the same, for different reasons in different ways.  We had time for many BIG conversations (cause we were lost! Lol). After one of the most significant, when what we were discussing seemed like an impossible impasse, it dawned on me: we will figure it out.

 I am scared at this point in my life.  Everything is changing…it is all perfectly in divine order, but it is all changing and unfamiliar.  I am losing things that are familiar and comfortable and they are being replaced with new things that reflect where I am at in my healing.  And for this relationship, as unusual and scary as it is, I know we will figure it out.  We will put our energy together, unite our hearts and heads, and keep doing that healing and growing. After all the times I got us lost in unfamiliar terrain, he found the way out.

 And in case I needed reassurance, that night I dreamed of exactly how it would feel if we did figure it out. Now all that’s left is to open to the unfolding. And so it is.

Mother Guilt

I am going to Hawaii and I will be living in a treehouse for a week.  My daughter will not be coming with me.  In fact, this trip is all for me.  I won the airfare, and I chose a secluded location in the rainforest to just BE.  And I cannot tell you how guilty I feel about that.

This is not the first time I have travelled away from her. I have been away, and everything was fine.  She had really good quality “Daddy and Daughter time”.  In fact, I probably don’t leave enough room for Daughter and Daddy Time.  So, this is a good thing.

I have been wracking my brain trying to find a reason why I should feel guilty.  This trip would not be fun for her.  We can’t do it as a family trip, for a number of reasons.  And this trip lines up with my current spiritual journey.  I understand Hawaii has strong femine energy, and that is perfect since I have to miss Kundalini Dance to go on this trip.  Nope, no rational reason.  Which means there is an irrational but important underlying false belief being revealed here.

At counseling this week, I acknowledged that not only don’t I like to ask for my needs to be met, I resent having needs at all.  I will gladly push myself too far physically, emotionally, and mentally because I can.  If I am given the option to pull back a bit, I don’t take it – until I am so far gone that I am stuggling.

I think some of that is a projection about how my family of origin expected me to do everything possible to meet their needs.  I was raised with all sorts of responsibilities, expectations, duties – and there was nothing built in other than more of the same if I met those expectations.  Now, on the good side, I have learned the discipline necessary to take on challenges like graduate school and leadership roles.  On the downside, I feel mothers’ guilt, and I resent having needs of my own at all.

This one isn’t going to get solved with gratitude.  I think it will only come from the recent energy work I have been doing on receptivity, and being open to my feminine nature.  I struggle with this – I will be honest with you – and yet the feeling I get once I have been a little bit open, a little bit more vulnerable, a little bit more trusting, is amazing.

So, expect me to be doing kundalini and tantric energy exercises in the middle of the rainforest, and maybe coming home with a greater connection to my feminine divine.

Colors: The Energy in a Prayer

A friend put this up on his Facebook page, citing it as the Lord’s Prayer translated from the original Aramaic to English, rather than from Aramaic to Greek, to Latin, to Old English, to Modern English:

O cosmic Birther of all radiance and vibration.
Soften the ground of our being and carve out a space within us where your presence can abide.
Fill us with your creativity so that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission.
Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desire.
Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share what each being needs to grow and flourish.
Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us, as we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes.
Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose, but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment.
For you are the ground and the fruitful, the berth, power, and fulfillment, as all is gathered and made whole once again.

Amen

I have said the Lord’s Prayer many times (mostly as penance as a former good Catholic girl…obviously not THAT good if I was doing penance…*L*), and never has it felt as right as when I read the words above. It is amazing what a difference those words can make. But I should know that…

 There is a book by don Miguel Ruiz, where he speaks to some of our sacred agreements, or an expression of spiritual law. One of them is: Be impeccable with your word. The premise is that we create, we manifest, we harness our Divine power through the energy we imbue in our Thoughts-Words-Actions. And so, when we pray, we are lining up our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy with the highest power of the Divine. It makes sense that the words should be as close to Truth as we can get them. And by Truth, I mean that which feels most aligned with your soul.

So here is what I love about those words:

“Cosmic birther of radiance and vibration” reminds me that I am of the Divine, that I am whole and complete, and an energy being.

“Soften the ground of our being and carve out a space within us where your presence can abide” reminds me to let go of my ego and the noise of it, to be able to listen more fully to the Divine, and to let my soul resonate with the Divine like the sound of a gong in the temple.

“Fill us with your creativity so that we may be empowered to bear the fruit of your mission” reminds me that my purpose on earth is a divine one, to be love, experience love, to return to a full awareness of my oneness with the Divine. It reminds me that I have the power to create and manifest in this life, and that I have responsibility for all that shows up in my life.

“Let each of our actions bear fruit in accordance with our desire” speaks to the truth that all thought creates, and that the more powerful the energy behind the thought, the more swiftly and concrete the manifestation will be.

“Endow us with the wisdom to produce and share what each being needs to grow and flourish” calls to our soul’s divine nature, reminding us to create from a place of love and healing and peace. It reminds us to manifest not just for our own good, but for the good of all.

“Untie the tangled threads of destiny that bind us, as we release others from the entanglement of past mistakes” speaks to me on many levels. I believe in past lives, and that we bring energy with us into lives that we work out together. I have many relationships that follow this pattern. It is a call to forgiveness, and a recognition that forgiveness is a key part of our karmic path.

“Do not let us be seduced by that which would divert us from our true purpose, but illuminate the opportunities of the present moment” calls me to live in the NOW, and to move out of the patterns that can be set up as our ego tries to keep us rooted in the mundane, rather than in our true Divine Selves.

And finally, “For you are the ground and the fruitful, the berth, power, and fulfillment, as all is gathered and made whole once again” is the most hopeful line, reminding me that all this illusion will pass, and I will be in Oneness with the Divine.

 

 

Thanksgiving, Abundance, and the Root Chakra

I have a fear of being homeless.  Yes, this is possibly a silly and highly unrealistic fear.  I am well employed, and have proven that I can operate my own business as a consultant successfully.  But it is in the unrealistic fears that I think we can learn about some of our beliefs and how they need to move.

I didn’t know I had this fear, actually.  We have been working on the root chakra in Kundalini Dance, and one aspect of  that energy center is feeling safe and secure in your home.  I sort of “blipped” over that part of my Kundalini Dance homework, because if you look at my life, I have been very good at manifesting abundance.  But as a I watched a homeless man sort through some garbage this morning, and then again watched the man that sleeps on the landing of the church across the street from my office, I realized I was noticing them and my feelings around homelessness in a new way.

This fear is not foundless.  My mother had to declare bankruptcy following her divorce.  We went from an affluent home to a broken down house for about half of my life.  When I was in graduate school, I ran out of money often and remember having to stuff my purse with toilet paper from a public bathroom to make it through the two or three days to payday.  My credit cards were maxed out.

But, that was many (many!) years ago.  Despite that, I still have moments of holding my breath when I use my debit card, waiting for the NSF.  So what is this all about?

Here is my inspiration for answering that:

“Whenever you hold back and don’t give 100% of your love, efforts, or energy, you are sending a message to yourself and the universe that there is not enough.  In scarcity, people are in survival mode focusing only on how to get food and shelter and how to pay bills and doing so they miss the opportunities that are right in front of them every day.

Holding on to emotions good or bad is scarcity.  By holding on to past positive feelings of joy or love is sending out a message that there is not enough so I am going to keep whatever I already possess versus feeling it fully and releasing them allowing new emotions to flow in.”

When we are true to our core being we are in abundance and giving of ourselves fully is natural. When our core is covered up by emotional layers, baggage or masks, our giving nature is blocked.

I am a generous person. I give away physical possessions easily – I have given my sister a lovely bracelet to help her break through her fears about financial prosperity.  I have gifted money to family members when they need it with no expectation or desire to get it back.  I support many charities.  I give gifts to people that are little “dreams come true” because I love that celebration of financial freedom.

But…I hold on to emotions.  I trap them all over my body.  I swallow pain and anger.  I brush fear out-of-the-way as if it is a cobweb.  I do not embrace my pain – I emotionally “medicate” it to numb it.  I think I am afraid that it is too much.  And in honesty, when much of my pain started, I was a child.  It WAS too much.  This was probably a useful way to cope.  It seems to me that this is the symbolic homelessness – my emotions have pushed me out and I have nowhere to go.

So, as I reflect, I have been given many tools this last month to be able to heal this.  The play Medicine reminded me that these old coping patterns were loving ways of our psyche to protect us, that I can love that old pattern, thank it and release it.  I have set the intent to be living more in my heart than my head – an intent that has occurred as those with whom I am in deep relationship have made it safe enough for me to explore.  And I have Kundalini Dance to waken me to those things.

I also admire the Universe’s synchronicity in awakening these thoughts in me as we head into Thanksgiving.  Whenever we go around the table and say what we are grateful for, I tend to stick to the usual – my family, the love around me, all the bounty in my life.  This weekend, I will give thanks for my pain, for all the ways my heart has been healed, and for the beauty of my soul as it is coming forth more and more clearly.  And for yours, too.