I was never one to read romance novels. I was a Sci Fi chick, and read fantasy novels for the most part. I was in love with Spock, Sherlock Holmes, and Peter Pan when I was growing up. My favorite books were Anne McCaffrey’s Dragon series, and Tolkien. I devoured fairy tales from all cultures. I suppose that I had romantic influences too, as I watched excellent TV like LoveBoat growing up! *L* But for the most part, I was less interested in the romance of stories like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty as I was in the magic of the fairy godmother, or the dragons.
I am also a fan of movies. There is nothing as relaxing as diving in to a good movie for a few hours and feeling your entire body enjoy the experience. And THAT is where I learned a very dangerous “truth”: Love is Enough. Don’t get me wrong – I do believe that love is one of the most powerful forces on earth. I believe it is the energy that overcomes the deepest hurts we have emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically. But, when it comes to relationships, I do not think love is enough.
We see in movies that when one person ends a relationship, or they need to separate because forces outside of themselves calls for it, eventually there is some motivation on both their parts that drives them to find a way to be together, to fight for the love of the other person if needed. And as bewitching as that idea is, I have a new insight. Expecting someone to be motivated by their love to do everything needed to be together is not only false, it is not actually a good idea.
What happens in relationships is about healing, about unpacking your baggage of hurt and issues you have carried that reflect the beliefs imparted to you as a child. These beliefs can be about being good enough, about abundance, about what partnership means. And we spend most of our adult lives unraveling them to come to some sort of truth. I am speaking about spiritual truth. We peel all these layers of untruth away as we try to heal our sense of separation from the Divine and from each other.
When two people are driven to be together, to overcome all odds no matter what just to be with the other, I am wondering if that is not a version of co-dependency. Is the purpose of relationship to be together no matter what, or to heal? Sometimes the healing process requires people to be apart, to trigger the deepest issues so that the light is shining on those pains and cannot be denied or ignored. It is possible to heal them together sometimes. And possibly the purpose of the relationship is fulfilled once the false belief is laid out on the table.
“Enlightenment is the key to everything, and it is the key to intimacy, because it is the goal of true authenticity. Moving through the ring of fear that surrounds our illumined self. Working through all the issues that lead us to attack, defensiveness, anger, neediness, controlling ways, grasping, avoidance. Those are all ego. And as we surrender those things which form walls around our hearts, then we attain the true authentic self.
And when we are in that place of illumined authenticity, then we are at our most intimate. Because how much more intimate can you be than the realization that we are each other? And we become more intimate with life itself, because we are truly “naked and unembarrassed.”” – Marianne Williamson, 2012
I know this seems incredibly esoteric. It does not speak to wine and roses and candlelight. But those have always been the trappings of infatuation, not the deep love I strive for. I acknowledge that there is also a need for human touch and sexual expression that allow for the whole person to be revealed, for a complete energetic expression. But it is not dependent on the Other. It is dependent on two people who are at similar levels on their journey, who can support each other in the path to Enlightenment.
Osho says this about love:
“Love is a rare flowering. It happens only sometimes. Millions and millions of people live in the false attitude that they are lovers. They believe that they love, but that is their belief only. Love is a rare flowering. Sometimes it happens. It is rare because it can happen only when there is no fear, never before. That means love can happen only to a very deeply spiritual, religious person. Sex is possible for all. Acquaintance is possible for all. Not love. When you are not afraid, then there is nothing to hide, then you can be open, then you can withdraw all boundaries. And then you can invite the other to penetrate you to the very core.
And remember, if you allow somebody to penetrate you deeply, the other will allow you to penetrate into himself or herself, because when you allow somebody to penetrate you, trust is created. When you are not afraid, the other becomes fearless. In your love, fear is always there. The husband is afraid of the wife, the wife is afraid of the husband. Lovers are always afraid. Then it is not love. Then it is just an arrangement of two fearful persons depending on each other, fighting, exploiting, manipulating, controlling, dominating, possessing — but it is not love.
If you can allow love to happen, there is no need for prayer, there is no need for meditation, there is no need for any church, any temple. You can completely forget God if you can love — because through love, everything will have happened to you: meditation, prayer, God. EVERYTHING will have happened to you. That’s what Jesus means when he says: Love is God. But love is difficult. Fear has to be dropped. And this is the strange thing, that you are so afraid and you have nothing to lose.”
So, the only love that is enough is love based on that type of love. Bhikku and I have separated, and we are going through a process of “I love you and I release you.” It is painful, and it is healing. It is uncovering all the things we did not say, all the fears and beliefs we let create the relationship we have today. And yet in this process of separation, we may be closer to our spiritual truth and enlightenment than we ever have been before.
I am not sure where this path will go. I am not sure how I will get through it, to be honest. But, I do know that I am grateful for the excavation process that is crumbling away the false beliefs that have been manifest in our lives.