Forgiveness: New Year, New Soul

“You know the old phrase “Be careful what you wish for.” Our desire for health and happiness – if fully engaged – sets up a powerful force that removes obstacles in our way. Here’s the rub – the removal of obstacles doesn’t always feel good …or positive.” – Christian Northrop

A year ago I set many intentions for my happiness around love and partnership. I did not know how they would be fulfilled, and in fact, when you set out an intention your focus is on the WHAT not the HOW. I did not consciously realize it would mean the end of my marriage. I secretly hoped that perhaps I would be able to have it all – the great man, spiritual leader, father of my child, and the person who reaches my soul emotionally. (This probably drove the number of times I walked away from my relationship with the Magus too. Energetically, I was not “all in” with him. But I was not “all in” with Bhikku either.)universe

So, the universe, in its wisdom, kept moving things along. I realize now that to be the person I want to be, to grow, to release carrying others, I need to go through this change. I need to learn forgiveness, for me, for Bhikku, for my family. I need to go inside to release and eliminate what is in you that is causing the adverse condition to manifest in the other person’s life. I have moved away from blame, but I do not tend to see how it is that I am part of the pain in the relationship with another. I have practiced conflict resolution for many, many years, and I have always been able to see the root cause of the pain in the relationship. In fact, I even use Jung’s work on the Shadow when I try to understand conflict between two people. Even though I have explored my underlying beliefs of victimhood, and thought I had overcome them, I see that it is influencing my ability to forgive, and to love.

The Divine spoke to me the other day, and the message was that pain only comes from the past. If you can stay in the now, there is little reason for anger or pain. If I can see a person, truly see them, then I know two things: the person’s soul would never want to hurt mine, and if there is pain, it is OUR pain. Not his alone. Not mine alone. I may be responsible for my own feelings and actions and choices, but the pain I so easily want to project on the Other is really a reflection of my Shadow.

SAMSUNG DIGIMAX A503“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Gustav Jung

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” Carl Gustav Jung

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Carl Gustav Jung

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd to stop from facing their souls.” Carl Gustav Jung

“The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.” Carl Gustav Jung

Denise Linn says: If you want to see the nature of your shadow, be aware of your judgments about others. If you observe something it is not a projection, but if you judge it, it is. If you observe someone throw litter out of their car but you don’t react emotionally, it’s an observation. If you get upset and think, What a disgusting selfish pig! then you are probably projecting. What you judge in others can be a reflection of qualities that you possess, but deny, within yourself. If you are always judging others, then it is likely that your own shadow self is quietly screaming at you.

We are repelled by our own negative projections. And so when Bhikku triggers negativity or anger in me, it is not him that has done that. It is my own Shadow, being projected on his face. If I can forgive me, I can forgive him. But that of course means I need to feel worthy of that forgiveness. Every minute I explain why Bhikku is This or That, I am damaging my own soul, loving myself a little less than I can.

Today, on the last day of the year, I set the intent of forgiveness. For me, for Bhikku, for my parents. There will be peace in my soul. There will be love in my heart and in my home. gaia sadness

Forgiveness: New Year, New Soul

 “You know the old phrase “Be careful what you wish for.” Our desire for health and happiness – if fully engaged – sets up a powerful force that removes obstacles in our way. Here’s the rub – the removal of obstacles doesn’t always feel good …or positive.” – Christian Northrop

A year ago I set many intentions for my happiness around love and partnership.  I did not know how they would be fulfilled, and in fact, when you set out an intention your focus is on the WHAT not the HOW.  I did not consciously realize it would mean the end of my marriage.  I secretly hoped that perhaps I would be able to have it all – the great man, spiritual leader, father of my child, and the person who reaches my soul emotionally.   (This probably drove the number of times I walked away from my relationship with the Magus too.  Energetically, I was not “all in” with him.  But I was not “all in” with Bhikku either.)universe

So, the universe, in its wisdom, kept moving things along.  I realize now that to be the person I want to be, to grow, to release carrying others, I need to go through this change.  I need to learn forgiveness, for me, for Bhikku, for my family.  I need to go inside to release and eliminate what is in you that is causing the adverse condition to manifest in the other person’s life.  I have moved away from blame, but I do not tend to see how it is that I am part of the pain in the relationship with another.  I have practiced conflict resolution for many, many years, and I have always been able to see the root cause of the pain in the relationship.  In fact, I even use Jung’s work on the Shadow when I try to understand conflict between two people.  Even though I have explored my underlying beliefs of victimhood, and thought I had overcome them, I see that it is influencing my ability to forgive, and to love.

The Divine spoke to me the other day, and the message was that pain only comes from the past.  If you can stay in the now, there is little reason for anger or pain.  If I can see a person, truly see them, then I know two things: the person’s soul would never want to hurt mine, and if there is pain, it is OUR pain.  Not his alone.  Not mine alone. I may be responsible for my own feelings and actions and choices, but the pain I so easily want to project on the Other is really a reflection of my Shadow.

SAMSUNG DIGIMAX A503“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Gustav Jung

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain.” Carl Gustav Jung

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” Carl Gustav Jung

“People will do anything, no matter how absurd to stop from facing their souls.” Carl Gustav Jung

“The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.” Carl Gustav Jung

Denise Linn says: If you want to see the nature of your shadow, be aware of your judgments about others. If you observe something it is not a projection, but if you judge it, it is. If you observe someone throw litter out of their car but you don’t react emotionally, it’s an observation. If you get upset and think, What a disgusting selfish pig! then you are probably projecting. What you judge in others can be a reflection of qualities that you possess, but deny, within yourself. If you are always judging others, then it is likely that your own shadow self is quietly screaming at you.

We are repelled by our own negative projections. And so when Bhikku triggers negativity or anger in me, it is not him that has done that.  It is my own Shadow, being projected on his face.  If I can forgive me, I can forgive him.  But that of course means I need to feel worthy of that forgiveness.  Every minute I explain why Bhikku is This or That, I am damaging my own soul, loving myself a little less than I can. 

Today, on the last day of the year, I set the intent of forgiveness.  For me, for Bhikku, for my parents.  There will be peace in my soul.  There will be love in my heart and in my home.  gaia sadness

New Years: All Thought Creates

I love exercising control over my thoughts.  A dear friend commented once that my mind was more disciplined than hers.  I am not raising that to brag; I am raising it because I have consciously spent years and years developing self-awareness, and moving my thoughts towards the light.

I remember being challenged by Bhikku to do a Buddhist exercise, whereby every timeMarilynBeads you have a negative thought you put a black bead in one pocket, and when you have a positive thought, you put a white bead in.  A good day is one where you have more white than black.  The first day I did this, I was appalled by how many black beads I had.  So, the next day, every time I had a black bead thought, I deliberately sent out two thoughts of gratitude so I could over achieve!

But that exercise did two things: it raised my awareness to the level of non-conscious thought I engaged in, and it brought greater gratitude into my life.  These are important, because there is a spiritual law that says that all thought creates.  So, what you think it released into the energetic realm of the universe as an intent, and since we attract that which we put energy into, the universe in its love says YES, I will send that to you.  It doesn’t differentiate between good and bad, just what gets the most Meditation-leafenergy. So when you focus on negative things, you attract that.  When you focus on positive things, you attract that.  And when you are non-aware, you create from your deepest fears as they become automatic scripts.

Today, this is pivotal for me.  My relationship with Bhikku has ended in its old form, and all the patterns of pain are fighting to survive.  I know I want something different.  What is also worrying is that those patterns are trying very hard to show up in my relationship with the Magus.  In both cases, it is my fears and pain that is getting energy and new things must now occupy my mind.

I begin every new year with my creation list.  It is the time of ending one cycle, and starting a new one.  With the end of my relationship with Bhikku, I need to remember a few truths: everything changes.  This pain will stop.  The relationship has potential to change into something new, and healthier.  And I do not need to carry over these things into the relationship with the Magus.  I have awareness of them now, and can stop them as they try to emerge.

As much as it is an ending, it is also the start of wild audacious happy possibilities!  I can create a life that is new, whole, happy, fulfilling, growthful, overflowing with love! A few weeks ago I set the intent to have no codependent relationships – and as painful as it has been, a few relationships are changing because of that.Learn-meditation

The Magus has been supporting me in my Sadness Meditation.  Yesterday I wanted to stop the pain.  Ok, I wanted HIM to stop the pain.  And he would not.  He asked me to sit with it, to feel it in my heart and stomach.  To cry.  I wanted to talk about it.  He reminded me that to talk about it moved it to my head – my comfort zone – and that I needed to feel it.  Yuck.  I hate it when he is right…

I am not giving energy to the sadness.  Nor am I going to deny it.  At least I didn’t try to binge through it.  But even better than that, I am listening to it and knowing that it will pass.

And what will emerge is exciting!  I am living with love, I am happy, I am abundant, and I travel.  I have fulfilling work, perfect self-expression in all relationships, and I am in service in new ways.  Wow!  What an awesome life! SUNRISE

Emotional Maturity and Healthy Healing

The addictive personality is a personality that hasn’t matured. When we come to address healing, a key question will be how to promote maturity in ourselves or in others whose early environment sabotaged healthy emotional growth. – Gabor Mate, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts
 
In one of my earliest blogs, inspired by the play Medicine, I referred to my inner tension around the use of drugs even if it is for consciousness raising.  I said that I struggle with some very important people in my life who have no such issue.  My own experiences in a suicide prevention center, and in the psychological research, convince me of the danger.  How do I get those two worlds to live together?Sad energy
 
I was challenged by my Magus to explore what it is in me that is triggered by this conversation, instead of trying to deal with the facts and research.  As I reflected, I realized it triggers my own addictive personality, which is in healing right now.  I have never used drugs, never tried a single drug, and didn’t drink more than a sip or two every few months until the last few years. But I have vehement repulsion to substance use of any kind.
 
My binging history is characteristic of addiction.  Like any addict, I used food to cope and medicate myself.  And since it didn’t noticeably alter my state of consciousness or decision-making or judgement, it was a very acceptable method.  But, it is still a symptom of my addictive personality.  If it weren’t for counseling and for the naturopath, I am not sure how easily I would have moved through my cravings for carbohydrates.
 
My family history has alcoholism and abuse in it, as does that of Bhikku.  It spurred the co-dependent relationship we formed.  Each of us have some aspect of addictive personality too.  And it just isn’t possible to heal each other at this point.  And possibly that is the hardest thing of all.  My natural inclination is to want to help him, to carry him, and make it easy for everyone.  I have said many times I will hurt myself before I will hurt someone I love.  I have done that for many years now, and I am angry with myself about that.
 
energy artSo I have tried to blame Bhikku, blame our families, blame myself, etc, etc, etc.  That is normal, but the shooting tragedy last week also showed me how little I am interested in blame.  My Facebook response this week was “I don’t want to hear anymore about the gunman, his family, or the number of bullet holes in those tiny little innocent bodies. I want to hear about healing, about taking a close look at violence, tolerance, peace, and love for each other. I want to hear about how we move from a fear based culture to a love based world. I don’t want to know who is to blame. I want to hear about how we are changing.”  And that is true for me and Bhikku as well.
 
So, now I am flailing around wildly looking for my safety net.  I am worried about how much I lean on my Magus.  I am grateful for the support of my incredible friends.  It is so automatic and unexpected as each person reaches out to me – I am overwhelmed with gratitude.  How do I turn this support into a process of healthy emotional growth for me?  How do I ensure that my daughter does not carry this into her emotional worlds as a legacy of pain?
 
I think that the answer is partially in my experiences at Kundalini Dance.  On Friday, we worked with the crown chakra.  I felt the flow of the divine masculine and divine feminine.  In my process of dance, I healed two long-term physical issues.  First, my neck and shoulders conspire to create migraines in me that have only been controlled with chiropractic visits. I also pulled something in my right arm that reacted like frozen shoulder.  I have tried some yoga exercises and lots of massage to get past it, with small progress each time.  But in my work on Friday, both my neck and my arm are now totally mobile.  I have the mind-body healing potential in myself, and proved it.
 
So, how do I use that mind-body healing right now?  One thing is that I will be trying a sadness meditation soon, to sit with my sadness and develop emotional maturity around it.  It wasn’t so long ago that I could not cry at all.  Now, I cry daily – what progress! (Note the mix of sarcasm and real acknowledgement of progress). 
 energy love
I was accused of being selfish lately.  I suppose that is true to an extent: I am no longer carrying responsibility for anyone other than me, and possibly my child.  It would be normal for that change to elicit a feeling of “how could you?” when I violate expectations that have been set up over years.  I set the intention to end co-dependency in my relationships, and over the last few weeks that has meant the end of some relationships, and dramatic changes in others.  I am not sure if I am doing it right.  But I know that some of ending co-dependency is bearing the responsibility of MY choices, and my choices alone. 
 
I am afraid.  Not of the changes in the relationships – I can see the end states I want to move towards.  I am afraid of my addictive personality continuing to drive me and my choices.  I am afraid of hurting people and not being able to look myself in the mirror.  I am also maybe even more afraid of having this opportunity to live my life in a new way, and holding myself back because of my attachments to another person’s needs, desires, issues.  When is it loving to help and support, and when is it hurting myself?
 
So, I set the intent to the universe for healthy loving boundaries, and my best healing into emotional maturity.  I am so grateful for all these sign posts, and for the tantric thinking of my wholeness being revealed every day in every way.

Integration

After every yoga practice, you enter into a pose called Shavasana.  The purpose of this pose can seem like it is a time to rest, and after an intense session, that may very well be what you are doing.  The purpose of this pose is also integration. Integration is when we bring the lessons of the practice into our being, moving things from the subconscious into the conscicorpse-pose-savasanaous.  We are integrating new awarenesses.  It is kinda like syncing your iPhone…*L*

That process of integration is a key part of developing greater self-awareness, consciousness, and emotional competence.

“Emotional competence requires:

-The capacity to feel our emotions, so we are aware when we are experiencing stress;

-The ability to express our emotions effectively, and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain integrity of our emotional boundaries;

-The facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or threat of loss where none exists; and

-The awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”

from Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No

wholeness-thumbTechnically, this has been a stressful week.  I received news that my biopsy was clear; I confronted several difficult issues at work; I explored some new opportunities for myself; I processed huge healing conversations with Bhikku; I called a collaborative divorce lawyer; I began my creation work on my future; and I worked on my own sadness.  Through all of this, I have had the support of many.  My Magus, some very good friends and prayer partners, Bhikku, my child, , my family…the blessings abound really.  And I am ok.  Really, really ok.

The reason I quoted Gabor Mate was sort of a check for myself to see if I can truly say I am ok, or if I am trying to make it look like I am ok.  First, I am not binging, which is a sign I am ok.  I have expressed my emotions a lot this week, including going to people to talk, expressing my pain to Bhikku, and worked through my anger when people crossed my boundaries this week.  I have learned that my anger is a sign post, not something I should feel guilty about, and that it usually means a boundary of mine has been crossed.

My unconscious needs from childhood, however, still likely emerge.  I feel threat where none exists.  I over reacted to my mother this week, rooted in that same pain.  I am struggling to let go of my lifelong belief that men leave.  From this belief, I have manifested it as truth.  It is not true – and I know that.  This week was the final week of Kundalini Dance, and the focus was the integration of masculine and feminine energy.  I found myself attracted to the idea of working on the energies of “Father, lover, brother” but also apprehensive.  And so I know that my next healing has to do with male relationships.  This may be why I am interested in tantra; connecting with a masculine energy that is not diluted by ego may be what I need to be able to truly love the masculine.

brain-manmoonAbove all else, I am going into this season of light to integrate my learnings as I do my next creation.  I release co-dependency in all its forms, and I embrace my wholeness.  I am love, I give love, and I receive love. I embrace the changes and health emerging in my physical being.  I celebrate the opening to the new.  As scary as change can be, I am so excited by what is emerging…I can see the edges of it.

I cannot begin to list the blessings I see in my life, nor do I have the words for the gratitude around it.  As I wrap my gifts for others today, I have a full awareness that they are symbols only of the gifts from the Divine that fill my life every day in every way.  And so it is!

Thank you, thank you, thank you: The power of 3 and 12-12-12

I do not know much about numerology, but today on 12-12-12, I admit my curiosity has been peaked.  It is auspicious, not only because we will not see a set of dates like this again for 89 years, but because of the significance of the spiritual guidance in the date itself.  It is a date that heralds the release of old patterns, and the manifestation of our best intentions. Dec 12

Yesterday, I was journaling using the book The Magic, and I came upon a section that asked me to come up with my Top Ten list of things I want to manifest.  This is the time of year I do that reflection anyway, to prepare for my New Year’s creation.  I have been doing a creation ritual on New Year’s Day for at least 20 years, and I am a pretty good manifester.  This chapter asked me to make my list in the following way:

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for …(whatever great thing you want to manifest).”

quantum-consciousnessShe said that 3 was a significant number for creating.  And of course, the numbers 12-12-12 are related to 3 so now I was really curious.  Apparently, it is the most important and powerful number of all.  The number 3 connects all other numbers, and is known for love and service to humanity.  So, when we express gratitude three times, we are drawing on the significance of the power of 3.

I am not sure how I view numerology.  I do know that something remarkable happened inside of me energetically when I said Thank You 3 times.  When I am really excited, I often say “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”.  I found that by saying my gratitude three times, my creative energy and enthusiasm increased.  I immediately felt happier.  And when you create, you need that strong positive energy to move the manifestation forward.

I was sharing with the Magus how wonderful it felt to say Thank You 3 times.  He jokingly asked me what it would feel like to hear Thank You said three times.  Later in the evening, he expressed his gratitude to me three times for something small I did for him, and I thought my face would split open and burst forth with light for how big a smile it elicited on my face.

All over the world, we are being asked to use the energy of today to manifest peace and emerging consciousness for the planet.  Today, as you set your intentions, try playing with the power of 3 and say Thank You 3 times.  It really feels great!

Consciousness

Suicide and The Search for Pesonal Responsibility

Today as I drove in to work, I listened to a radio station put out the question: who is responsible for the suicide of the nurse in the Middleton prank case?  I heard callers respond with a range of reactions.  Some people spoke about the fact that the pranksters had willfully put the nurse in a no-win situation, and that even if she had not killed herself, she would have been the one to bear the brunt of all the consequences of this prank.  Others said they had no sympathy for the nurse, and felt suicide was selfish and cowardly.angel-of-grief-1-edit

I have been involved in suicide prevention for over 20 years, and I have heard this range of emotions most times that I have delivered a presentation on suicide awareness.  Suicide is a very scary and emotionally traumatic event for survivors.  It is going to trigger our deepest fears.  And like any time we come face to face with a fear, we should look at it closely to understand it.

I personally believe that suicide is a choice. I am not suggesting it is a good choice or a bad one.  All behaviour is a choice.  Two people can experience the same circumstances, and one person may attempt suicide while the other does not.  Each person makes a choice.  I concede that the range of options a person believes they have while they are in crisis can be very narrow.  But, at the end of it all, a person chooses suicide as the best option they have in front of them.  They find themselves in a place of such hopelessness and helplessness, and need the pain to stop.

I think suicide awareness calls us to recognize our deepest spiritual truths.  A person who is hopeless has lost sight of their divinity, their innate ability to create changes.  They are suffering from all the most painful beliefs from their childhood, relationships, and self talk, all manifesting in ways that look like life is out of control and will never change.  One spiritual truth is that everything changes.  The things that are very good will not last.  The things that are very bad will not remain so.  Everything changes.

candle_light_wallpapers_11The Magus teased me last night about really enjoying meeting new people.  This is true.  It is true because I love seeing the individualized expressions of the Divine in each person.  I know that often that light of the Divine becomes buried under rocks of the human experience, and I feel part of my calling is holding the truth about the Divine nature of that individual so they too can see it.

With suicide, one of the most important things that happens when a person calls a suicide hotline is that they are talked down from the escalation of their emotions, and they are supported as they expand their range of options.  They are supported in recognizing their personal power, and that little changes today can lead somewhere new.  No credible hotline would call this a spiritual intervention, yet how different is it than having someone hold consciousness for you as you create something new? On that call, the worker knows you are capable of using your inner strength to choose to live, and live differently.  In spirituality, a prayer partner will hold consciousness of your divine nature and all your creative power manifesting what is best in your life.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” – Marianne Williamson

So for me, the question is not who is responsible when a person commits suicide.  The question for me is how do we create a world where people know their own light? Where we approach each other with love, and hold consciousness for each other all the time. How do we create an awareness of our divinity in each person, in each interaction we have?  How do we heal that sense of separation that makes it possible for one person to hurt another or to be so thoughtless about our impact on each other that we cause deep pain? With that awareness, we would heal the planet.  We would create a world that sees each other as one family, one community, one life!

And the answer to this is in the words of Mahatma Gandhi – Be the Change You Want to See in the World.

My daughter reminded me today that I tell her to use her words to express her frustration or anger or pain with me, and yet I allow myself to get to a boiling point and simmer over with words of frustration or anger or pain.  Does that really seem as significant as suicide prevention, or promoting human rights, or attempting to be ecologically sustainable? Absolutely yes. Because I will be the change I want to see in the world.