If At First You Don’t Succeed

I was watching Queen to Play yesterday, which is a movie about a woman who learns to play chess – but the chess game is a metaphor for her awakening of her true self. I play chess, and I do not play it the way I want to. My dad taught me but he did not teach me strategy – he taught me defense. So I play a very long drawn out defensive game of chess, but I become so involved in defending myself that I never implement an offense. I essentially play a game of risk mitigation.Chess-king

My job in the past has been a leader in charge of HR and Finance, both of which are risk mitigation functions in a business. I am better than most, in that I will assume a higher level of risk if it aligns with the business strategy. But it is still my role to identify and mitigate risk for the business. This can be ironic, because I am also a strong strategist and often serve as a change agent for organizations. To me, being a change agent is just living in integrity with a new future that is possible and helping every one who is committed to that new possibility to live in alignment with that possibility as well.

I have wanted to run my own business for many years. I have especially wanted to run my own management consulting business. It is my dream. From the first time I met the staff at Harris Consulting, I knew I wanted to run my own practice. I loved their offices, their culture…and Russel May (past president) and Alan Thorlackson both invested in mentoring me. I had an opportunity with an EAP I managed to help build an HR Consulting practice, which was a good learning ground. Then when I was on maternity leave, I consultingdabbled in my own practice. I say dabbled because in many ways it was what I did when I was not watching my child. It did not get my full attention. And I still made as much if not more money than I do now. But it felt like that happened by accident, to be honest.

Then I had my ultimate failure: Rejuvenation Journey. I have a vision for a spiritual spa, a place where people go for spiritual insight, renewal, healing, and wholeness that is not part of a church or a place where you already have to be “in the practice” to feel ok. There are some great spiritual communities, but they can be intimidating and need a commitment. Noorish, Center For Spiritual Living, Prana Yoga…these are amazing communities, full of support and wisdom, but they are not easy doors to walk through if you don’t know someone in that community. I envision a main stream place, where you can go for yoga with a friend, or a tarot reading, or a massage, or a reiki treatment, or whatever a la carte combination of things your soul is calling for in that moment, just like you would if you booked a mani/pedi and massage with facial at your favorite spa. I pulled together a group of friends who might be interested, and began a process to bring it to life. And failed big time. It failed for lots of reasons, most of which are related to me, my level of consciousness at the time, my relationships with Bhikku and the Magus, not being true to my own vision, and using the spa as a way to hide from my unhappiness at work.

Now I am considering my own management consulting business. And I find myself approaching it like my chess game: trying to get all the variables right, and working towards risk mitigation. I need to make spiritual spaenough money, I need to develop my brand, my client base, my marketing approach. As I watch my mind, I know I am not using my best business knowledge in what I am doing. And I most certainly am not using my best spiritual consciousness.

I am afraid of failing. I know better. People who are successful are also good at failing. “You might never fail on the scale I did,” says J K Rowling. “But it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you fail by default.” The measure of success can be shown by how many times someone keeps going despite hearing only no.

And of course, my metaphysical practice has been hitting me over the head with support. This week, Bhikku has offered to vision with me. One of my closest friends wants to support me this week with a visioning and creation session. The Magus is gently challenging me when I express fears about my business. A girlfriend I am reconnecting with has offered me her support energetically. And people I do not know, who only know me through this blog, have been offering me support. These beautiful souls are speaking to me on behalf of the universe, on behalf of Divine Consciousness, in the clearest possible language.believe1

This week, I am going to move forward, not by DOING. No more appointments with web developers, or leasing companies for space. This week, I am going to start at the beginning, with my vision and the support being presented to me. I am going to put the HOW on my Magical To Do List, and just know that this is my moment! This is the time I have been waiting for, and it is going to be awesome.

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When the Body Says No

Every year, the Magus and I go to the Fringe Festival.  It has been our tradition for him to choose the plays we go to.  His choices are usually inspired, and occasionally they are inspiring.  This summer he chose a powerful play called Medicine by TJ Dawe.  It reflects the work the author has done with Dr Gabor Mate.  Dr Mate has written several books, one of which is called When the Body Says No.  Dr Mate reviews research supporting the effect of the mind-body link on illness and health and the role that stress and one’s individual emotional makeup play in disease.

sad_undertreeAs a psychologist, the mind-body link is not new to me. As a metaphysician, it is unswervingly clear to me.  And as a human being, I have ignored it, relying on will power and an array of masks to cover up and push past anything that looked like a block to me maintaining my family and career in the form it held.

This week I could no longer ignore the impact of those choice on my wellbeing, and on the wellbeing of my child.  I have heard it takes many generations to heal a family from addiction and abuse.  I refuse to wait that long – I will do whatever it takes to heal and provide a world where my daughter’s full potential is not limited by what I am carrying.  In the article, If you are stressed, so is your kid, Mate says “There is growing research that indicates childhood trauma influences a  child’s personality and brain development, affecting their mental and physical  wellbeing into adulthood. The electrical circuitry of a child’s brain is programmed by the mother’s  emotional state.”

So, this week my body said No.  It had been telling me that for years, months, and in recent days it has been screaming.  When I went on vacation in the fall, I wanted to do very little.  A few weeks ago, I went away for the weekend, and did nothing but sleep.  I have recharge-mind-body-spiritbeen having pains on my left side for weeks.  And when I went to see the doctor, she spoke on behalf of my body. I am no longer at work, and have engaged in a deep process of nothingness.  If I make any attempts at DOING, my body rebels.  Even when I say I am DOING for me, my body has pretty much shut me down.  I can do one thing a day.  Any more than that, and my body says no.

I am dealing with so much in my mind.  As a metaphysician and healer, how did I let it get to here? How did I not listen to my mind and body? Why did it take two professionals to make me see myself and listen to my body’s wisdom? I want to say “Now what do I do?” but I am wise enough to know I do nothing.  I will focus on joy, and those things that add to my energy.  I will cry, laugh, sleep, throw up, cry some more.  I want silence.  I want peace.  I want to be away from my life long enough to look at it clearly.  I will say NO when my body tells me to, and I will not feel guilty over it.

yoga_mind_bodyI will not worry about creating and manifesting.  I said 2013 was going to be my total life makeover, and that makeover starts in me.   When all this yuck is cleaned out, my ability to manifest, which is already good, will be greater from the clarity of my vessel.

Getting Hurt and Authentic Personal Power

“I dont’ want to see you hurt,” said a good friend that I reunited with after several years.  She was referring to my current status in relationships.  She is not the first to say it either, although she is the only one to be very intimate with the situation for some time.  My immediate reaction was fear – that is some way she saw something or knew something I did not.  Did she see my path more clearly than me?

angel-of-grief-1-editIn fact, I have had a conversation like this around almost every romantic relationship I have had.  I have had family members try to dissuade me from marrying.  I have had friends do an intervention with me a week before my wedding.  And now that I am in a process of creating the type of partnership I want, the conversation is a familiar one: friends who love me wanting me to be careful about what I do next.  I get questions about if I am considering reconciliation with Bhikku.  I get questions about if The Magus is The One.  Every person who loves me has advice on how I could avoid getting hurt.

For a few days, I actually sink in to their advice. I feel fear.  I evaluate and re-evaluate my relationships.  Should I divorce now, to make things clear and clean? What if Bhikku finds someone? What if Bhikku takes my money? What if The Magus doesn’t want what I want? What if the Magus is incapable of the type of relationship I deserve? (That is actually the Magus himself asking that…).  Each question is well-meaning, comes from an intent to love and support me…and is a commitment to fear.

I proposed something remarkable in my dissertation on suicide: the idea that the person who commits suicide is responsible for their behaviour.  It required great arguments to show that two people can experience the same pain, and one will attempt suicide while the other does not.  It means that all our pain has to do with the individual, and only the individual.  We are each responsible for our own experience.

Gary Zukav argues “If others had the power to cause you emotional pain, you would spend your entire life – day after day – attempting to manipulate or control them in order to avoid it.  You would be ever observant, always on alert for possible pain, and you would develop sensitivities to your vulnerabilities and ways to protect yourself from exposing them.”  That line is meant to show how foolish it is to blame others for my pain, but I am also acutely aware that is describes my career, my relationships, and my co-dependency all too well.  Love__Beach__Sunset__by_danicafaye-721652

Zukav also says ” every frightened part of the personality is committed to fear (pursuing external power), every loving part is committed to love (creating authentic power), and you must choose between them.  What others choose is beside the point.  Your choice is the point.”

Let me say out loud that I know I will get hurt.  Whatever happens with The Magus will hurt as we work through it.  Bhikku has hurt me, and the end of the marriage has hurt me.  I am hurt by Bhikku’s patterns of repression, which he has needed to cope with one of the worst childhoods imaginable.  I am hurt by his inability to hear me or to connect with me – none of which are his intent.  I am hurt that The Magus does not experience attachment the way I do, and it triggers my sense of being not enough and therefore my feelings of needing control.  I am hurt that The Magus thinks in such a way that I find rigid and limiting of the possibilities that may be there for us – again, not his fault as he is biologically built differently when it comes to emotions.  If I am going to love someone in a human relationship, I am going to get hurt.

Marianne Williamson says,  “Relationships never end because they’re of the mind, not the body.”  If they are of the mind, then we can co-create whatever we wish – if we create together.  If our needs and our beliefs are such that we cannot create together, then that is the journey.  She also reminds us that the Course In Miracles says relationships never end until they are made holy, meaning that the sense of separateness is healed in the awareness of our Oneness in the Divine.

I have filled my life with Spiritual Partnerships, seeing these relationships as ways in which I learn about myself and my spiritual truths.  However, these partnerships are human relationships, and have the characteristics of them.  My deep friendships exist for the purposes of spiritual growth, and I often see these friends no more than once a month, or even once every few months.  In some cases, we don’t have a lot in common in our lives other than the soul connection.  I have very few relationships based on common interests.  I don’t hang out with the girls.  If I spend a lot of time with you, it is More lovebecause the spiritual connection and commonalities we have allow us to have the accelerated program of relationship.  When it comes to the human relationship of partnership, intimacy, and sharing a co-created life, the real challenges and life lessons can arise.  It is in these relationships that we get hurt.  And the hurt is just a signpost to something that needs to be explored and healed.

To my dear friends reading this, please know I am not criticizing you for your concern about me getting hurt.  I love you for that.  But know this: I will not avoid getting hurt.  I won’t.  I believe in my authentic personal power.  I believe I am creating possibilities, not limitations. I believe in my ability to hurt and heal.  I believe that all the things that show up in my life are for my insight and growth, and are sign posts of where I am still finding my way to the Light.  My goal in life is enlightenment.  I am happy to share that path, and co-create with another, in so far as there is growth.  And if the relationship ends because no more growth is possible, there is still love.