Doing deep amazing work. Will be back when I’m done and tell you all about it.
Doing deep amazing work. Will be back when I’m done and tell you all about it.
I have been “daring greatly” lately, to steal a term from Brene Brown. I have been daring to be happy, to live my vision. I have been daring to challenge the internal voices that would like me to live in a hell of my own making. I have been approaching business completely differently than I have been taught to, and realizing I prefer to take these risks than live in the safe world that my ego would so love for me.
My inner healing in counseling lately has focused on a few things my body has signalled: one is exploring why I feel shame about my body, and the other is healing feelings of rejection from not being chosen by my partners. In other words, eventually my partners chose something other than the relationship with me, whether that is the partner that chose art or Bhikku choosing ministry, eventually they have left the partnership. In hindsight, this is all for good reasons. But the underlying fear of not being chosen is killing me when I am in a relationship with the Magus where he choses me every day and has expressed that more and more deeply. And despite this, I live 30% of the time seeing and feeling that, and the remainder waiting for proof he is choosing something or someone else.
The Magus and I were doing some deep energy work a few weeks ago, and despite the depth of our relationship, I found my mind wandering into shame. Suddenly, like Adam and Eve in the garden after eating the apple, I felt shame for my body. I felt ugly, and I expected the Magus to realize that I was ugly any minute in our sharing. So I pulled inside emotionally and just could not connect. Other times we have done this work, I have felt openness, a blending of our energy and divinity, and a greater sense of love and consciousness. This time, I just felt shame. And we have not done work like that or connected again since.
I could make excuses, and say I need him to make me feel safe (why would another be able to make me feel anything? My feelings are my choice). I could say that since he also was doing some internal work, I was sensitive to this and therefore could not reach him (actually, I have said this but if I were in myself and fully present, where he was at would not matter and I could help him do the same with my own consciousness). Or I could say that we have gone as far as we can and the differences are catching up (which is the ego making sure I have a reason to run away to protect myself before he leaves me). All of these are sound and sane types of ego defense. And they are not ok for me because I am committed to living in soul not ego.
Which leaves me with only one option: vulnerability. Daring greatly. Being open to the power of my soul, and being in the flow of divine consciousness. Trusting.
It’s no wonder we avoid vulnerability. Look at these definitions:
“Vulnerability refers to the inability to withstand the effects of a hostile environment.”
” In computer security, a vulnerability is a weakness which allows an attacker to reduce a system’s information assurance.” – Wikipedia
If the ego could define vulnerability, those are the words I imagine it would choose. Words that tell you that without the ego defending you, telling you where the risks are, you will not survive. The ego will feed your self talk with rational reasons for withdrawing. Making sure everyone and every relationship has some form of disappointment in it so you will come running back into the Ego’s open arms and curl up in a fetal position in its comforting embrace.
At a strategic planning session last weekend, a respected and highly accomplished retired CEO advised us to be generative, and to lead with our hearts. To be open. To be vulnerable.
What is worth doing, even if you fail? What way is worth being even if you are vulnerable?
For me, it is knowing myself as an individualized expression of God, and knowing I am perfect, whole and divine. Anything else is illusion, story, clues to make the script more interesting. When I meditate, I don’t feel shame. When I heal another, I don’t feel shame. When someone shares their deepest fears and inadequacies with me, I feel valued. I don’t see the person as less; I try to remind them of the divinity I see in them. (With the exception currently of Bhikku, my mother, and my father – I can see their divinity and love them but I am still fighting old scripts in my responses…but it is coming along.) So why, when I am in the loving energy of the Magus, and he is sharing himself openly and deeply with me, would I choose to shut myself off from that love? Cause I am crazy, that’s why.
My brilliant counselor and I will be working on that…cause crazy people should see their counselors! *LMAO* Seriously, I value deeply the opportunities for healing, self awareness and deep excavation of the issues my body has been trying to get me to see that come from my relationship with her.
But, this week, the Magus is going to travel with me to see my family for a week (proving he is also crazy…). And I set the intent that this trip serves as a healing journey of awareness, consciousness and connection for us. We are both Daring Greatly this week. Let’s do it with intent, I say.
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain. – Frank Herbert, Dune
The Bene Gesserit are a key social, religious, and political force in Frank Herbert’s science fiction Dune universe. It is an exclusive sisterhood whose members train their bodies and minds through years of physical and mental conditioning to obtain superhuman powers and abilities that can seem magical to outsiders. Through a special ritual, they can gain access to the memories of their female ancestors. They only have the opportunity to do this once they have achieved sufficient mastery and personal identity that they will not be overwhelmed by these Other Memories.
Deepak Chopra says that all of our fears in life can be traced back to the most fundamental one: not knowing who we are. Therefore, the goal of higher states of consciousness and enlightenment is to find our true identity, which is not the mind, body, or environment, but the source of all those things.
It may be a bit cheeky to source Frank Herbert at the same time as referring to Deepak Chopra, but I think that the relationship between fear and self identify are well stated in both. Today, in speaking with my brilliant counselor, I accepted that I have voices in my head that will push me to feel shame, that will instigate feelings of betrayal, or that will trigger anxiety – and these may never ever go away. I have sat with them, and tried to make them go away. I have hated those voices, banished them – all sorts of ways in which I have given them energy. That which we resist, persists. There is actually some truth and insight in the Litany Against Fear.
If instead of resisting the fear, the voices, the old patterns, I let them pass as the Real Me witnessed them, then all that remains is ME, the witness. If instead of judging, or resisting them, instead of feeling like a failure for having them, if I observed them and let them pass through me, I could learn from them and see them as sign posts to where I can learn more about myself and do healing.
Like the Bene Gesserit, I will have these voices, these memories, and false beliefs that were taught to me in my past. And like them, I will know that I am ultimately Divine. I am not these memories or beliefs. I am one with the Source of All Things.
Intimacy is a path of spiritual evolution. It is through love and the expression of sensuality that connects us to divinity. Our lovers act as mirrors to reveal both our light and our shadow. In their eyes we can find the places within where we still need to grow and affirm how amazing we truly are.
Scarlet Amor, posted by My Yoni