And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it.
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it.
I won’t fear love.” – Sarah McLachlan
In blinding moment of clarity today, I realized I am committed to my spiritual path, and relationship is secondary to that. I have spent so long believing that relationship was my spiritual practice to my path, and it is a part of my path, but my path is MY PATH. The reason I would run away if the man who resonates with my vibration stood in front of me is because I am not ready for a relationship.
In fact, I have always been committed to my spiritual path, and have known that. I have pursued yoga and meditation since I was 13. I have sought the metaphysical, I have lived in two worlds. And I have carried all the baggage of false beliefs that have gotten in the way of my evolution. So the right relationships have shown up to make that apparent to me and clear the channel. It is no coincidence that I have attracted teacher after teacher in the last three to six months, precisely aligned to my current spiritual seeking.
And, because of my history and what society supports in traditional relationship, I have pursued relationships that gave me security and safety. Then I had a relationship that did not, but gave me spiritual growth. That relationship had an irresistible pull, and I spent years and years trying to resist it. That relationship meant the death of all I had that offered safety and security. I tried to make it into a traditional relationship – while denying I was doing it – and felt resentment that I could not have both. I have had to forgive myself for wanting that. It is not possible to fly when you are afraid to use your wings. I created my relationships without consciousness – they were default settings, and in doing so, I ignored the true voice of my soul calling me to unity with the Divine.
Last night I read my vision for relationship to my daughter. As I read it, I felt a profound difference in my understanding of it. I was not looking for a personality…my equal is one of vibration, not trappings or skill set. I have had the perfect match in nearly all ways, and it was not enough. I am interested in a person who vibrates at the same level as me on his spiritual journey, and who sees his relationship with me as a mirror for his shadow and light work to occur. I am interested in a relationship that occurs at all chakra levels, so it is a relationship of the physical, emotional, and mental as well as all the astral and etheric bodies. I am interested in a committed spiritual partnership, where all things that come up are viewed as opportunities to deepen in spiritual growth. And I know all this is possible. I have had it. So I know it is and can be. I am willing to be patient, waiting and knowing that the right path will present itself, and I will see it clearly.
The challenge with the word “equal” is that is suggests there is some standard to be met, some external set of criteria. My equal is a vibrational thing. I have known the vibrational match nearly instantly. I know that as I shift into the person who lives in my evolving consciousness, everything is different. Every relationship is different. How people respond to me is different. How the universe conspires to fill my every intention is different. The people who are showing up in my sphere are a different sort of consciousness.
I was told yesterday that I am sort of a missionary priestess: I bring spiritual teaching into places where the word “consciousness” is a silly word…and yet they hunger for it and respond to it. I bring healing to people who have been locked up in their bodies and minds and emotions. And I thought that was enough, to simply serve. I thought that was where my growth would emerge, and relationship would be the cherry on top. (I thought relationship would be my reward for being such a good girl!) But, all of this happens because I am on my spiritual journey, on a path of learning that I let slide a few years ago. That is ok – I also needed to heal and that was what the 5 years was about. Today, I am strong, aware and evolving at a speed that I am sometimes gasping to keep up with. But in every way I am hearing the universe say YES as I feel a greater sense of Oneness. The illusions of separation are being challenged daily. My image of self is being challenged daily. I can’t say slow down – all I can say is allow me to have the wisdom and capacity to integrate this in new ways of living and showing up in the world.
And so it is.