Do We Really Need Boundaries?

purple waterlilyI am in love.  Totally, completely, whole heartedly in love…with tantra.  I have been studying it for a year now, but I would say it has really become my home in the last few months.  And I think that is because I have found a good teacher.  I have been studying with Christopher Hareesh Wallis through the virtual courses.  I listen to most of the recordings 5 or 6 times, and each time I find something new that completely and totally makes me vibrate with new awareness.

But the falling in love is really falling in love with me.  And then with everything else.

One of the most important aspects of tantra for me personally is coming to accept and love myself as an individualized aspect of the divine.  I can let go of all the ways in which I am not good enough.  I can breathe into my heart and return to me in a few breaths.  And I can finally stop suffering at the whim of my egoic mind.

On my journey, the idea of having boundaries became important.  Psychology tells us that a healthy person (a healthy ego?) has appropriate boundaries.  I have spent time reviewing my relationships and drawing boundaries.  And I have been on the receiving end of people who have felt they had to draw boundaries with me.

Occasionally I equate judging a person with the need to establish a boundary.  Recently it occurred to me that the need for boundaries is dualistic and denies my spiritual truth.  Instead, what is being triggered? What does that boundary artificially give me instead of taking on the challenge of processing the energy trigger from that person?

If I go into that space, where I suddenly see the world in a more real way than it usually exists for me, I realize that boundaries are ways of living a preference.  If I don’t like the feeling of something, I can set a boundary.  End a relationship.  Instead of letting the energy flow through me and pass away, leaving insight and awareness, I can close up the energy, block it out, or in, and feel self satisfied that I did the right thing.  I set a boundary.

unityTo me, that is about liking, not loving.  If I can accept what is as it is, I don’t need a boundary.  In some way, boundaries are meant to protect the ego, not the soul.  While I am not saying it is a requirement to be a martyr to the energy demands of every person we encounter, I think that as I settle in to that truer self, I become less concerned about those boundaries.  I become more concerned with the energy pattern in me, and in how I can see the beauty of the divine being reflected in the other person.

One day, I will probably understand that the other is not other at all.  I am not quite there yet.  But to attain that tantric principle, it is highly unlikely that I will get to that understanding by establishing boundaries.


4 thoughts on “Do We Really Need Boundaries?

  1. Touching the divine reveals limitlessness. So energy is limitless….so no loss, even if in a crowd. However, the individual, which is as real as the infinite/divine has boundaries as part of its very being…individuality is itself a kind of boundary created….so a boundary is not bad…it defines something for a specific reason. My individuality blocked out my awareness of the infinite for years….pretty good boundary….those came tumbling down, yet ego remains through all of that….how important identity seems to be for all of us. Maybe once we clear shame and all the negative shadow stuff, then boundaries wont be so necessary? More work….Haul water, chop wood…Great post!

  2. prog4 says:

    “But the falling in love is really falling in love with me. And then with everything else.”….

    There in fact is no other kind of love other than self love. Any time we think we love another all we are actually loving is what reflection of ourselves their “mirror” gives us. And this is why if we cannot love ourselves it is impossible to “love” another.

    This is a great post – sounds like things are really happening for you.

    Funny thing – in my mind (at least in the past anyway) as soon as I saw the word “tantra” I immediately thought of sex. probably because that phrase “tantric sex” often gets bandied around. But obviously tantra is much more than that. I know nothing about it but reading your post confirms to me that it is much more.

    • Tantra, like a lot of eastern traditions, has been westernized and bastardized. Tantra is a process for recognizing our true nature, our divinity, our sense of the nothingness and pure potential that is that spiritual nature of all of us. I recommend Christopher’s book and website for learning more about tantra from an essential and integrity of philosophy approach.

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