“How is that movie You?”, he asked, waving his arms at the screen. I started to laugh because of the perplexed look on his face. He was looking at me the way my dog does when I explain to him he can’t have what I am eating.
But I love Riddick. I know it isn’t even good Sci Fi. But Riddick should be dead over and over and he just refuses to accept that. And he manages to remain noble and honorable as he takes on the world.
Last week, I went back to Kundalini Dance at Prana Yoga. We danced through the root chakra. It was quite moving because our instructor has done some very deep work herself, and it was evident in how we approached the class. I had previously identified issues of safety and security (and one of you pointed out the flashing sign over my head saying root chakra and childhood issues). For the most part, I believed my root issues were a lack of groundedness. I had been told I did not connect with my body. And once that was true. But I have shifted.
I went to the chiropractor, and he commented that if every body had the mind body awareness I do then he would only need to spend half the time he does with clients. And then I did the Body Integration workshop, and found myself very able to work from body to emotion. In that process, I became aware of my block in trusting the universe. More than that, I believe my block is one from infanthood, based on my session with my counselor this week.
In a deep way, I am blocking the flow of energy at the root and sacral chakras. I get moments of fear akin to the fear of death, the panic you experience when you are facing a flow of adrenaline when encountering something that seems like inevitable death. I get that feeling about relationship, and recently about failing in my business. This is irrational – I have been the main financial provider my entire life. And yet I am not showing the prosperity in my business that I have had in the past. And in relationship, I am in a holding pattern of non-relationship relationships. I refuse to have the norms and expectations of society define my deep relationships. I am not sure what I want, but in some way, not being in a partnership is allowing me to explore some important things without the limits of the word. I recognize that relationship is not the limitation – my past beliefs and experiences are. I just don’t believe I have moved enough to have a partnership that is fulfilling right now.
Which is why I posted the Joyous Woman prose. That reflects some of my inner world. It is much deeper than that, but primarily it is my lack of trust in the universe that is blocking me at the root and sacral chakras. At some point in time, when I needed to feel safety, it was not there. And I began to live a life of taking care of me through personal will while deeply, desperately wanting a parent symbol to parent me. I have done the inner parent work – that is no longer crippling me. But even deeper still in the belief, the knowing, that I can surrender into the universe. So that is the work today.
Why Riddick? Because he is not afraid of death. He simply choose not to give in to it. Not out of fear, but out of choice. He is my symbol of healing that aspect in me that believes I will disappear, be invisible, cease to exist. Possibly not the most elegant symbol in the universe. but who is judging? 🙂