Save Me, San Francisco

gg“I’ve been up, I’ve been down, I’ve been so damn lost since you’re not around.” The Train lyrics cycle through my head as I wait in line for my rental car in San Francisco.  They are too significant.  I try not to think about this being my first trip without a companion in a decade. Or how easily I get lost driving. Or how sad it is to be someplace so beautiful without someone with whom to share it.

“GPS. That will save me,” I think, as I head on to the freeway. Except the last user set it to Cantonese and no one reset it. Nor am I sure how, especially not while I’m driving. Hysterical giggles start.  The semi-automatic feature on my car rental is messing me up too. I keep flipping between the automatic drive and the shifting feature which means I can’t accelerate.

“Deep breath. Choose to be happy. This is all a reflection of consciousness.  Its all good,” and with that I pull over, work it all out and arrive at my hotel. I feel the energy of this place, and even the exploding toothpaste in my suitcase is not enough to make me feel bad.

The next morning I am on foot on Fishermans Wharf. The view,  energy, and things to see and do turns me into an excited child.  One moment I’m bouncing over spotting sourdough shaped like a bear. The next I’m crying because I so want to share this wonderful experience.  And I can’t.  I raise my camera so people are less likely to notice the tears rolling down my face.

I knew the Magus so well.  I can hear the jokes he would make about the teddy bear sourdough.  I can see his face as he compares the taste to the bread we had in Hawaii.  I know his souvenir shopping list, and I still have to stop myself from seeing items and suggesting it for his younger brother or sister.  I see the kite store, and know he would admire the selection.  And I see the Gift – the thing I would pick up for him knowing he would love it.  I quickly leave the store and breathe some more. Outside, Pier 39 has become as crowded as a beehive, so I decide it is time to go for a boat ride and feel the healing water move me.  I was right – it helped.  And on the recommendation of the Captain, I head to Pier 41 more or less and find a restaurant for dinner.fishermans-wharf-boudin-bakery-v41271-1600

As I sit gazing out over the water, tucking in to a bowl of clam chowder, I realize the contrast between the morning, when I was in the flow of exploring and being joyful, versus the afternoon of blocking thoughts and emotions about the Magus.  I note that it is the block that is the pain, not the thoughts themselves.  What if I get him a gift? Does it matter if I ever give it to him? The thought of seeing him doesn’t feel good.  But the thought of buying the gift does.  Curious.  I remember the idea from tantra: use inquiry to release blockages of energy.

So, I buy the gift, and it feels good.  Good to be in the flow of my own self expression. Good to be who I am – a person who shares, who wants to make other people happy, and who has a real enjoyment of shopping for other people. Ah…it is good to be in that flow.  It is the flow of energy that my divine consciousness loves. It is how that flow is uniquely Me in my individualized expression of personality that is the joy of consciousness. Yesssssss.

That night, I meet with Christopher Wallis.  I have been waiting in a crowded park for him, people watching.  I am still processing the culture shock of seeing two nude men strolling around when he walks up to me with a tentative smile as he confirms it is me.  We go to a high end tea shop, with sophisticated pairings and blendings.  We talk for a few hours, and one of my questions to him is about the purpose and meaning of relationships from a tantric teaching view.  I think of all I have believed about relationship, and I feel some grief and relief as he confirms what I suspected this summer: there is no purpose or meaning in relationship.  There is no One True Love.  There is no love more unique or valuable than another.  There is no connection to the divine through relationship. There is no reason for a relationship at all. (Another day I will talk about non-dualism on this.)

He can see my face. “How does that feel for you?” he asks me with loving compassion.  We talk some more and peace returns to me.  I intuitively connect with the idea of relationship being about Like more than Love.  In fact, I love many people with whom I am no longer in relationship.  But how much I like them has changed.  If you consider the word, it means “to be like someone”, whether it is things you have in common or aspire to.  As we shift in consciousness, we may no longer be like someone we once shared our lives with, and awakening to the awareness of that difference can be painful.  It feels like separation from Source. Ouch.

alcatrazHe hugs me with a completeness I have not felt from a hug for a very long time.  You cannot believe in separateness in a hug like that.  And I am grateful for that reminder.  What I remember is the feeling of flow.  I see consciousness being reflected to me.  I recognize even more places I am holding back a fuller expression of consciousness, of Self.  I see the places where I am efforting, trying.  I laugh as a I hear Bhikku in my head tell me to Know the Flow.

I think of how I spent the summer affirming that I did not want a relationship, that I do not belong in relationship.  Am I surprised to manifest Goodbye with the Magus? Not really.  The contrast of energetic experience is not “Life with the Magus” and “Life Without the Magus”.  The learning, the way that San Francisco added to my wholeness is in seeing who I am  more clearly.  Not as an escape from pain – as a weekend where the only person I needed to be happy was Me.  As I bounced down the street the next day, I was alive and free and fully in the knowledge that my spiritual evolution is getting deeper, faster, more fully.  I do want someone I like very much to share it with.  But for now, that is pretty much everyone I meet.

The Psychic Mirror

Most people would classify me as some sort of psychic.  I am intuitive. I sense patterns others miss. I can read people. There is more involved (e.g. tarot, mediumship, divination, etc.) but generally speaking those are my intuitive practices.

People always ask if psychics are real. They want to know that they are not being manipulated or taking advice from someone who doesn’t have integrity.

Of course psychics are real. Many have very high spiritual intents and come from a place of love and kindness. And most people have this ability in some way. What varies is the degree to which they use it.

The better question is what does a psychic read. I like to think of it as a mirror: Psychism reads past choices impressed on the subjective mind. And likely choices based on past behavior. (Other psychics may disagree with me and have strong opinions different from mine; that’s all good!)

It can be very helpful to hear these things.  We look in the mirror to see what we look like today. It might even be fun to visualize a new dress or hairstyle when we look at the mirror.  But rarely do we look in the mirror and see the hairstyle we will have in 5 years.

When you look back on your life, you might notice that some things followed your plan and some didn’t.  What manifests in life is a result of our consciousness and what eminates from that vibration. You can change all that by shifting consciousness. 

It is helpful to have an intuitive reading to have language for what is showing up in your Now. Healing can be elevated by that awareness.  But the future, as always, is the result of you. 

Relationship: Love, Death, and The Stuff In Between

I read a great blog post called Casual Love. She talks about how we load love with meaning and expectations instead of just experiencing the love. Been there,  done that,  and I have all the travel stamps.

We believe love is an object oriented response: we love because of the other person. And without that other, we will no longer love. Its just untrue. Love is all around is, as the line in the song goes. But mostly,  love is in us. Because love is our nature. Most of our problems come from trying to deny that and blocking its flow.

The challenge becomes deciding what to do with the feeling. Relationships can be described as liking someone so much you want to be with the person, create with the person, and deepen all your expressions of self with that person. The nature and characteristics of relationships vary from person to person, relationship to relationship. 

Where it becomes less about casual love is in knowing what experiences are fulfilling to you and are what you need or want in relationship.  There is no one true love that will unlock everything. 

If you want certain things in relationship and the other does not, the love doesn’t stop. Trying to stop the flow of energy only hurts you.  But, maybe the liking does stop. It means you are unlike each other. It means that a core vibrational difference exists. It means your sense of spiritual separation may feel much bigger.

So we put space and distance there.  The energy of separation (from source even though it feels like separation from other) is what is painful, and it doesn’t feel good to feed that.  Sometimes that distance is right,  if there is awareness and love with it. The moving apart is not about the story of how he or she hurt you.  Its about Bless and Release.  Some people can do that with the other still in their lives.  Some cannot.  That doesn’t matter.

What matters is continuing to explore and change the consciousness around the belief in separation.  It is the fear of separation from Source. I have played with this question in death meditation, and its true for endings in general: What is the one truth you need to recognize or know that will make death/ending irrelevant? 

Connection: Unavailable

“Internet connection disabled. Too slow. Reconnection required.”

I laughed as I stared at the Wi-fi message in my hotel room explaining why my Wi-fi kept dropping. The message was in fact the theme of my day.

Today,  no matter who I tried to reach, I was unable to connect for a text conversation with any of my deep relationships.  I had a few things to process, and I do that best with a spiritual partner.

I get lost easily when driving in unfamiliar places.  Today, I hopelessly looped a major highway as my GPS recalibrated and I missed major exits. Finally, my hotel location was off the grid and I finally abandoned my car at the drop off at the airport. I had to take a cab and even he couldn’t find it.

Luckily, the Oracle I worked with today was very connected. She elicited blockages in me I hadn’t found even in counseling.  I cried with grief held for 20 years and shed a persona that I took on as a duty to my grandmother. 

I found a joyful aliveness in me that I haven’t had in a long time. My playfulness.  My innocence and surrender.  And my adult version of those things.

In that work, she asked me why I had a pattern of loving men who are emotionally unavailable to me. I suddenly heard the bells from a jackpot being hit.

So if what manifests is a reflection of consciousness,  it made me think of how I have been emotionally unavailable to myself. I had alot of reasons to detach from my own emotions.  I admired men who had to be read – who kept their emotions under the surface in a poignantly beautiful way. And of course, I wanted to unlock that for each man. I could see past the facade to open their possibilities. 

Except that was me. I was the one who wanted opening.  The men I chose were perfectly happy in their relationship with their emotions.  So I was still looking for that connection.  Which was sadly Unavailable. 

No longer. I am connected to me. I am attracting more because I’m so much more in myself.

Connection reestablished. 

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The Purpose Full Man

I spent time with a man who is living his purpose deeply. He is emotionally and spiritually self aware. It felt great to be around that.  It is not because I wish I had it. Its because that is what feels most right.

I have been reflecting on conversations over the last week. Woman after woman told me I always take on the role of healer and teacher with men. They are right. I was asked if I would ever let a man be my equal in relationship.  That gave me pause.

I have always said connection trumps everything else. What I learned this week is that connection comes from me and occurs in every relationship. I connected deeply with a woman who’s name I don’t know and who gave me a sense of wholeness I had associated with romantic relationship.  Relationship really is about liking someone else so much you want to spend your time with them.

That dumb-struck me: it isn’t about love. Love is just who I am. Its present because I’m present. But everything I crave in spiritual partnership occurs in every relationship. 

I’ve been trying to replace a primary relationship with spiritual partnership and I don’t have to. Its not form, it’s energy. And today I resonate with a man who is deep in his purpose, and is emotionally and spiritually aware. He must be relentlessly pursuing evolving consciousness. THAT feels amazing when I’m around it in anyone.