“Internet connection disabled. Too slow. Reconnection required.”
I laughed as I stared at the Wi-fi message in my hotel room explaining why my Wi-fi kept dropping. The message was in fact the theme of my day.
Today, no matter who I tried to reach, I was unable to connect for a text conversation with any of my deep relationships. I had a few things to process, and I do that best with a spiritual partner.
I get lost easily when driving in unfamiliar places. Today, I hopelessly looped a major highway as my GPS recalibrated and I missed major exits. Finally, my hotel location was off the grid and I finally abandoned my car at the drop off at the airport. I had to take a cab and even he couldn’t find it.
Luckily, the Oracle I worked with today was very connected. She elicited blockages in me I hadn’t found even in counseling. I cried with grief held for 20 years and shed a persona that I took on as a duty to my grandmother.
I found a joyful aliveness in me that I haven’t had in a long time. My playfulness. My innocence and surrender. And my adult version of those things.
In that work, she asked me why I had a pattern of loving men who are emotionally unavailable to me. I suddenly heard the bells from a jackpot being hit.
So if what manifests is a reflection of consciousness, it made me think of how I have been emotionally unavailable to myself. I had alot of reasons to detach from my own emotions. I admired men who had to be read – who kept their emotions under the surface in a poignantly beautiful way. And of course, I wanted to unlock that for each man. I could see past the facade to open their possibilities.
Except that was me. I was the one who wanted opening. The men I chose were perfectly happy in their relationship with their emotions. So I was still looking for that connection. Which was sadly Unavailable.
No longer. I am connected to me. I am attracting more because I’m so much more in myself.