Connection: Unavailable

“Internet connection disabled. Too slow. Reconnection required.”

I laughed as I stared at the Wi-fi message in my hotel room explaining why my Wi-fi kept dropping. The message was in fact the theme of my day.

Today,  no matter who I tried to reach, I was unable to connect for a text conversation with any of my deep relationships.  I had a few things to process, and I do that best with a spiritual partner.

I get lost easily when driving in unfamiliar places.  Today, I hopelessly looped a major highway as my GPS recalibrated and I missed major exits. Finally, my hotel location was off the grid and I finally abandoned my car at the drop off at the airport. I had to take a cab and even he couldn’t find it.

Luckily, the Oracle I worked with today was very connected. She elicited blockages in me I hadn’t found even in counseling.  I cried with grief held for 20 years and shed a persona that I took on as a duty to my grandmother. 

I found a joyful aliveness in me that I haven’t had in a long time. My playfulness.  My innocence and surrender.  And my adult version of those things.

In that work, she asked me why I had a pattern of loving men who are emotionally unavailable to me. I suddenly heard the bells from a jackpot being hit.

So if what manifests is a reflection of consciousness,  it made me think of how I have been emotionally unavailable to myself. I had alot of reasons to detach from my own emotions.  I admired men who had to be read – who kept their emotions under the surface in a poignantly beautiful way. And of course, I wanted to unlock that for each man. I could see past the facade to open their possibilities. 

Except that was me. I was the one who wanted opening.  The men I chose were perfectly happy in their relationship with their emotions.  So I was still looking for that connection.  Which was sadly Unavailable. 

No longer. I am connected to me. I am attracting more because I’m so much more in myself.

Connection reestablished. 

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