Unconditional Love

“From our absolute centre, there is an incredible capacity for allowing everything to just be. Nothing needs to be pushed away. Nothing needs to be grabbed on to. Nothing is demonized.  Nothing is glorified. That – I would call that Unconditional Love.

This is a love that allows everything to simply just be as it is and tenderly just holds it with open hand, and allows it to go, too. Allows it to go the moment it wants to go. There isn’t the slightest urge to impede the departure of what has arisen, when you are in your absolute centre.” Christopher Hareesh Wallis, Light on the Path course

It is remarkable to me how similar this description of unconditional love is to death, or the acceptance of death. But then again, unconditional love is ultimately about acceptance. 

I have come to know both lately.  It seems trite to say the near death of my dog taught me about consciousness,  but it did.  I remained in awareness, even while processing sadness and sorrow,  celebrating his life and the flow of loving support from family and friends.  I did not lose awareness; it was enhanced. 

Now, I would say that expressing unconditional love is harder for me. Death requires us to let go and there is no other choice. But something about love is grabby, to me. It has a holding, and a holding on. I am sad to say that I have been less conscious awareness in loving relationship than in encountering strangers. In longer relationships,  my karma and psychology and egoic patterns are alive and well. Of course,  that is why we have relationship: to let us see our energy patterns mirrored in the dynamics of the relationship. 

I long less to be the object of unconditional love and more to be the vessel or flow or giver of it. To be that definition of it as Christopher describes it speaks to my heart’s desire. To be loving awareness speaks to my soul’s desire.

And so it is.

image

Pint Sized Priestess on Death

I sat crying over my dog as we had what is likely our final visit with him in the calm and comfortable family room at the vet.  I stroked his fur, noting how beautiful it felt for us to sit on the couch and feed him by hand and talk to him.

“I wish you weren’t going to die,” I said to Frodo amidst my tears. 

For years, we have spoken in cute voices on behalf of our animals. Tonight, in our Frodo voice, the pint sized priestess said, “It’s ok. If I don’t die now, I still have to die.”

Consciousness.  Acceptance. The ultimate Yes to ego death. Reflected in my daughter.  Blessed am I.

The Dead Woman

image

Story after story after story…

I read them. I listen to them. I watch them. I collect them. I live them.

I never tire of them. When one is done, I begin my search for the next.

Like ideas or insights. Once an idea has released its juiciness to me, I am not satisfied for long. I begin seeking for the next.

“You are young. You can never fulfill your appetite,” states a nun in the story I am now watching. It sounds too true. 

I have stepped back from life since June. Endings have taken their toll on me. I wonder if I will begin creating a bigger life soon.

I’ve started to get restless. The shroud of mourning no longer fits.  I want to create again, feel the flow of life. Instead of feeling comfortable in sadness, I’m irritated by it.

I’ve started considering life changes in significant ways. Since last year was a total life makeover, it’s hard to believe there is anything left to change.  But there is.

Last year cleared the field of my consciousness.  It left my heart resting fallow, and the solstice stirred me deep in the earthiness of my nature.  I am not meant to mourn or sit by and watch.

I am all of life!  I am awake and aware. I am pure potential.  I am the one who chooses “and” instead of “or”.

I recall the movie Truly, Madly, Deeply when a woman’s lover returns as a ghost to keep the relationship going. But she learns that once something changes, there is no going back.  Life, its essential nature, continues. And that nature is change.

She releases him with these words:

“No, forgive me.
If you are not living,
if you, beloved, my love,
if you
have died,
all the leaves will fall on my breast,
it will rain upon my soul night and day,
the snow will burn my heart,
I shall walk with cold and fire and death and snow,
my feet will want to march toward where you sleep,
but
I shall go on living,
because you wanted me to be, above all things,
untamable,
and, love, because you know that I am not just one man
but all men.”
The Dead Woman, Pablo Neruda

I am in the heart of change which is the heart of life.

And so it is time to begin and nurture the beginnings.  The endings are done and do not need my attention. 

image

Pint Sized Priestess on Healing Sadness

Today we took our 2 year old Sheltie to the emergency center.  He has autoimmune anemia. He is undergoing deep treatment but there’s only 30% chance he will get better.  Even then, deadly recurrence is possible. 

My daughter did not cry at this news, and hugged her puppy as we left him in intensive care.

“Mommy, I’m sad about Frodo,” she said.

“I know,  sweetie. But I’m glad to hear you say that.  I’ve been worried that your feelings were hidden really deeply.  Now you can be sad and cry. That’s how we heal,” I advised.

She paused. “I don’t need to heal, mommy. I have a great life.”

Kinda puts that into the spiritual context of the deeper underlying energy of life.

Feeling My Inner Artemis

image

In case I’ve let you believe that I have spiritually evolved past anger or rage or pettiness,  this post will let you see what egoic consciousness looks like before I process it and return to Source.

Without personalizing it, I’m PO’d at what I’m manifesting with men. I’m feeling alot like Artemis – like her, I see men as creatures seeking to take my freedom away or bind me. So let’s look at what I’m manifesting:

Men who do not act in integrity.
Men who are childish. 
Men who are unhealed and unwilling to own it but keep coming back to me for insight and growth.
Men who want to heal me.
Men who think a romantic relationship is what I want and who are looking for egoic compatability. 

I’m also manifesting a number of beautiful, growthful and purposeful things, but you see that in other posts.

No, tonight is about rawness, and going in to the experience so I can finally fully and completely say good bye to the BS consciousness that I have used and attracted men with. 

So, goodbye to the part of me that sacrificed integrity for safety and family.  Goodbye to the part of me that was stuck in emotional immaturity. Goodbye to men who cannot stand in true equality with me – not as a statement of value or superiority but as a claim to requiring self awareness as the minimum entrance requirement.

Goodbye to any part of me that thinks I’m in a place of need, or feeling pain from being caught in my partners’ limitations. Goodbye to anything in me that believes I would ever sacrifice consciousness for relationship.  Or that I would limit myself in any way. Goodbye to anything in me that believes I am not free.

I know this is completely egoic, and its fine…shadow work is still healing work. Releasing this flow of energy is spiritual work and looking inwards at where its source is will ultimately result in truth. There will be light and love eventually. 

But right now, just be thankful I don’t own a bow.

The Untrue Word

image

When you are sensitive to energy, whether as  Highly Sensitive Person or as a reader of energy, you are aware of a level of dynamics that are very subtle but profound. When you come together with others in a conscious way,  the feeling of connection and co-creation reflects the Truth. It may not be infallible or immutable truth, but its Truth of reality in that moment.

And then, in that dynamic, one of you says something that is Untrue. I don’t mean a lie. I mean something that is not True from the perspective of Source,  or soul, or at least not in alignment with the level of awakening you are genuinely headed towards. 

You know it, if you are sensitive to energy, because all of a sudden, that beautiful feeling you had suddenly deflates. It is like when a child lets go of a helium balloon – you can still see the remnants floating away but something important is gone and it hurts.

When we come together in loving ways, and build or share energy, the build up and flow is like being out of body. The Self is released as something more real is created. That something is connection to Source. And like Jenga, the Untrue Word can make it collapse.

When you are sensitive to energy, that Untrue Word and the collapse hurts. At best, it feels irritating.  At worst, it feels like ultimate seperateness.  (Adyashanti)

So what do you do? In conscious relationship,  you use this as a way of healing.  “This is where a Conscious Relationship is as radically different from the “healthy relationship” as it is from the relationships of our parents. With a conscious couple the relationship is seen as a primary vehicle for personal and spiritual growth and healing. Those issues that generate tension are seen as areas where we need to grow and heal. They become part of our work that we are here to do towards wholeness. We honor the process, and use the issues as valuable opportunities for growth and the purification of our consciousness. This becomes our path to inner freedom and wholeness.” Chris Wright

This requires an understanding of the idea of the Third Entity. “Third Entity is what two individuals coming together create, and it has a form and an energy all its own. It is very important to see that the relationship is made of three parts, not just two. When we acknowledge the existence of the Third Entity we are able to be more objective when challenges arise. We often get wrapped up in our own perspective, forgetting that we are a part of something that extends beyond us as individuals. In order to have a healthy, long lasting relationship, we must nurture and support not only each other but the relationship itself.”Corrine Blum

The Untrue Word, and the pattern of many of them, would end a traditional relationship.  In our culture,  at the very least,  it would suggest an unhealthy relationship.  But if there can be integrity in the desire for serving a Conscious Relationship,  the Untrue Word is a road sign and an intimate dialogue with consciousness.