“Give me a reason to be here, to stay,” I would say often during a trying moment with the Magus.
“If my presence is not enough, I can’t give you a reason, ” he would reply.
In those moments it was not enough. I wanted something profoundly moving that would satisfy and engage the ego. The ego needed to be fed; the soul knew this was ridiculous.
At some level of awareness, I wanted out. Not necessarily out of the beauty of the presence of the Magus, but out of the dynamics that fed the ego and were becoming increasingly less and less satisfying. So instead, I would envision the type of relationship that would possibly be more satisfying. I know its untrue. I have beautiful people in my life. What I’ve called unhealed aspects of relationship are also points at which egoic separation is apparent. I’ve insisted on the Other to fix that for me, in me. And now I’ve been doing that for myself. (Although its also true that two people can share and co-create the movement of blocked energy).
I can’t say the ego is happy about this. As I recognize that what I think and feel are not real, and that they will not allow my true divine nature to flow, my ego has upped the ante. My dreams last night were filled with sadness and loss. I woke up sad and unsettled. Talk about the ultimate of buying into emotions and thoughts that aren’t real! I’m upset by a dream after I’m awake!
The ego would like me to believe in aloneness and separation, and grasps thoughts and moments that reinforce those ideas. Even moments of connection can be sprinkled with fear. I realized my drive for connection with others is those moments where my conscious awareness and another person’s begin to dance and elevate awareness or awakening. That is still a sort of self image and even an addiction, though. It grasps at conditions instead of allowing what is to be. The ultimate sign of ego is not allowing what is.
So enough of this. My practice today has become breathing and opening. It has been accepting. It has been the word love. And all of those, simply opening to my own presence, are enough.