I made a list of all the things that repel me or cause me suffering – those feelings I just listed. The list was my own personal set of nightmares: not having enough money, losing everything, being alone in a lonely rejected way, failing, dealing with manipulation, betrayal…
Tantra teaches us that suffering comes from not seeing reality as it really is. It comes from being attached to our stories (e.g. he hurt me) or false ego beliefs (e.g. I am not enough) or from holding the energy of things once they are done and bringing that energy into the next experience.
When I look at my list, I notice a common energetic reaction. In each case, I am clenching or grabbing the energy coming up and choking it off. For example, recently I met with a client prospect. As part of the proposal, I outlined the key project steps and methods I would use as well as time and cost elements. The client opted to do what I outlined on her own. I had felt so good in the meeting when I saw her excitement that I could help. I was hurt when she decided to do it herself. I pulled inside, chastised myself for being too open, giving her coaching and getting nothing back. I felt I had failed somehow or had done something wrong. I am naturally giving and generous; clearly I should not give of myself so freely or it will be taken without an equal exchange of energy. I would not do that again. In other words, I would not be myself.
That whole energy of choking my true self off felt horrible – that is the source of feeling of annihilation, total denial of Source. I have felt it when I tried to cut old love out of my life, or when I have had to behave against my nature like terminating 300 employees. Betrayal requires the ego to sever the love for the other – which hurts as much if not more than the betrayal. Plus it feeds a false belief of Not Enough, which further chokes off True Self.
As I continue to follow the voice of my true self, and let energy flow whether it is reasonable, rational, or recommended, I find that it feels more authentic and free to simply allow what is to be. It feels good, even when it is sadness. Expressing what is real, tracing what emerges in me to Source is a deeply peaceful and freeing meditation. It feels like watching the warp and weave of a tapestry emerge, or the beauty of nature. The practice of “Let what comes, come. Let what goes, go.” continues to be my mantra. And it is a significant step towards unconditional love:
“From our absolute centre, there is an incredible capacity for allowing everything to just be. Nothing needs to be pushed away. Nothing needs to be grabbed on to. Nothing is demonized. Nothing is glorified. That – I would call that Unconditional Love.
This is a love that allows everything to simply just be as it is and tenderly just holds it with open hand, and allows it to go, too. Allows it to go the moment it wants to go. There isn’t the slightest urge to impede the departure of what has arisen, when you are in your absolute centre.” Christopher Hareesh Wallis, Light on the Path course