“I want that. I want that God Consciousness. ”
“Yes but are you willing to let go? What are you willing to relinquish? ”
“I really want it. You don’t understand how much I want that. ”
“It isn’t enough to want it, to want to possess it. What are you willing to let go? What are you willing to relinquish?”
My teacher told that story in class the other night. It was not specifically to me, but the conversation definitely occurred with my mind and ego. What am I willing to let go to be in a state of non-attachment? What an obvious question. What a difficult answer.
The answer is my ego is still trying to grasp on to control. I can surrender only so far as my ego believes it will get what it wants. Surrender seems like the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
“You don’t go dramatically changing everything once you get a new value in your head, because you’re doing it with a certain kind of attachment of mind that’s going to cause you to have a reaction to it anyway.” Ram Dass
Ram Dass reminded me that even worrying about surrender is just ego having fun with me. It is my mind telling me to effort. To try. All I need to do is recognize the truth in the question. What am I willing to relinquish?
“Mainly I was doing it to myself. You know, “You should do this, you really should.” I almost distrusted that I had a true yearning for God. And that’s where the ‘shoulds’ were coming from, that lack of faith. The more I trusted myself and said, “Well, okay, I’ll just be what I am” the more I began to feel this deep pull towards God. And these methods which could help me, such as meditation started to be a joy rather than a mountain to be climbed. It’s just a matter of timing.” Ram Dass
If I know anything, it is that I will open and move. The last year has shown me that. My life has shown me that. Attachment to non-attachment is…attachment!
Breathe. Be. Still.