There are over 100 words in Sanskrit to describe love, I’m told. In the West, we have around four – eros, agape, familial love, and filial love. Language and culture shape our views and experiences. So lately I’ve been thinking about the false beliefs I have assumed about love and relationship.
Adyashanti says we each live in our unconscious mythology. What he means is we create stories based on our beliefs about how things should play out. When our experience doesn’t conform to our beliefs, we suffer. So if we believe people should not be rude, and someone is rude to us, the rudeness itself is not the source of suffering. It is the violation of our belief that hurts.
Recently, I recognized that I believe that men do not show up authentically in romantic relationship with me. I cringe when a man moves from relating to me to expressing attraction – it is loaded with a feeling that the true expression of soul has suddenly been subverted by a body mind expression of attraction. To me, attraction is soul recognizing soul, and vibrational harmony between chakras.
So, that inauthenticity I fear can only be if I believe men can’t be authentic in relationship with me, if I am not authentic in relationship with men, or if I have an unconscious mythology about how relationships with men should be.
The universe has drawn several new men into my life. What I notice is how loving they are, how compassionate and consistent they are in how they treat people. Each of them is teaching me something about authenticity. So, I clearly have manifested authentic relationships as long as they are non romantic. In fact, as soon as romantic possibilities have presented themselves, my body has pulled so far into myself that I develop pains.
What is alive in me? I know I feel that I have rarely been a true authentic representation of my soul in how I act and relate to others. What I valued with the Magus was the world I lived in with him. I was more real and saw more of my authentic self. My depth of feeling for him came from his capacity to be himself authentically. Not perfectly but better than most. And it was the human lack of authenticity that would occur naturally in him that was too much for me. It made me doubt all the rest.
I have an unconscious mythology at play here. I have not identified what it is in specific language yet but I know it is there. Now it can no longer operate from my unconscious. As Sherlock Holmes would say, “The game is afoot!”