Entitled…says the ego

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We’re told that the ego becomes more and more subtle in its influence the deeper you go into your consciousness work. I encountered that a few times this week, including the ego trap of being disappointed that I fell into ego. Which is ego…lol. Yay vicious circle! Ironically, I didn’t celebrate the consciousness that recognized ego.

I have a business opportunity coming up that would manifest almost instantly my desire for freedom, independence, and doing the things that I most love to do. And yet as I go through the process of negotiating with the business, I find myself frustrated and irritated by the things that they are asking. When I shared  this observation to my wonderful friend, he instantly identified it with the word “entitlement”. And like he has done for me before, my world had to stop for a moment as I realised how often that came up for me over the week.

When I was in pain with my daughter’s father this week, a part of it was about entitlement. Wasn’t I entitled to more support from him? Wasn’t I entitled to freedom? Wasn’t I entitled to a better relationship given how wonderful a person I am (and actually how wonderful he is)? The shame the creeps over me as a write it out and see how ridiculous it seems is instructive. And even that is ego.

But entitlement has occurred in other ways as well. For example, I look back over 26 years of relationships and say “I have done everything I possibly can to meet society’s guidelines on how to have a healthy relationship and yet here I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied every single time.” It is only when I am simply being present and experiencing the relationship with others (relating) that I am completely fulfilled and satisfied in the interaction. In fact, at this moment, while not being in a partnership, I find myself about as peaceful and happy as I have ever been. There are definitely interactions that I shared with the Magus that I would like to share again, but not as an experience – as a reflection of the relationship. Overall I find myself happy until my ego says “aren’t you entitled to more?” I become angry and sad. It destroys the opportunity in every experience. 

I also fell into to the ego trap of being very disappointed with myself when I realized that entitlement was showing up. I spoke to my Tantra teacher (Christopher Hareesh Wallis) who asked me, ” What does it feel like when you’re not judging it? What does it feel like when you remove even the label of anger? ” At first, I couldn’t do it. I needed the identification and self flagellation to feel better. Thanks ego!

But, as I moved to a space of love, more openness was possible.  More allowing.  More release from the identification. 

I realize that entitlement is really a symptom of the personal will. It is that part of me attached to outcome. It is how ego wants to construct the world, and is willing to hijack my spiritual desire to do it.

But that spiritual longing, the intent that is more powerful than anything else in my life, has always moved me back to center. As one friend said,  “you have to feel it to heal it.” Entitlement is just a left over from the belief that I am not enough.

There are two Adyashanti stories that are healing me today. One is the idea that the belief in Not Enough is the ego confessing that indeed it is not enough to be Me, my true consciousness.  (Let that settle in and blow your mind…)

The other is his saying “If you want what life wants, you will get everything you want.”

Mmm hmmm.

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To All My Lost Loves

I will always love you
How can I not? You are a part of me

But I am over you
And in that release is a sort of sadness

More than grief was the holding, 
Grasping in fear of losing it all in letting go

Instead I find it is all within me
And there is a spaciousness

I will always love you
I have always loved you

But the truth is that you were part of the journey
Not the journey itself

And my relationship is with Life

Come if you dare to go deeper
Into the center of it all

But my step is sure, my path is clear

And I will always love you.  You are a part of me.

-Practical Priestess

Sacred Relationship by Jeff Brown

It’s a different thing, to make a relationship sacred. When it’s just the love you honor, you are still in two different worlds. You love her, she loves you, but what stands between you? What of the bridge between your hearts? What of the world you become together? Conscious relationship is all about the third element- the alchemical combination of two souls merging, the living breathing world that you co-create in love’s cosmic kiln. It’s the difference between loving and serving love. It’s the difference between the narcissistic quest for ecstasy and the joys of deep devotion. You serve loving. You are a devotee to the dance. The conscious-nest is a world unto itself (from ‘Love it Forward’ by Jeff Brown)

What Does Life Want To Do Through Me?

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I’ve had it all wrong.

I don’t know how many times I’ve said “But I don’t know what I want!” in response to setting a vision or deciding what to manifest in my life. I’ve been very unaware of my own false beliefs and often manifested things unconsciously. In fact, my favorite hissy fit involves saying loudly that manifesting and spirituality are all BS, that I can’t manifest and what I do manifest is all wrong so what kind of loving universe is this anyway! So there!

One of the mistakes I’ve made is looking to other people to be the voice of guidance and truth. I spent a long time looking for the wise guru who would lead me to enlightenment in exchange for my devotion. 

“No one will lead you to enlightenment like yourself! In the Aquarian Age there are NO gurus. You are your own teacher, your intuition and experience your guide. Take the power back in your hands and stop looking for someone else to show you the way. There are wonderful guides and mentors and teachers of specific wisdom. But a person that believes they have the power and are still receiving personal gratification from their students are to be avoided.” Taylor Eyewalker

It wasn’t just teachers. I’ve been angry with Bhikku when he offers me support and it doesn’t line up with what I know as truth. I was angry with the Magus when he shared his truths and they contained his own projections. All relationship is a projection. I may as well have been angry with him for having a rash because I don’t have a rash. In the end, what I’m really angry over is giving away my power and looking to someone else.

Unwittingly, I’ve been waiting for The Angel Investor or The Client or The Marketing solution in my business. I’ve been looking for The One who will somehow open me to greater fulfillment in relationship. I’ve been waiting for Enlightenment and a deeper experience of life. It all sounds ridiculous when I say it. But I’ve done it.

I have ignored my freedom and wisdom, my independence and insight, my depth and my consciousness. I’ve ignored the perfection of what is in my life as it lines up with my living consciously because it doesn’t look like I thought it would. But what I’ve done all wrong is not listen to the flow of life moving through me, as me.

Right now, I’m listening and allowing. I’m astounded by what is true of who I am. Occasionally I am trying to bolt from this truth because it is wild and free and cannot be controlled. Then I remember that it is who I am, and fall in love with it. It is an In Love so overwhelmingly beautiful and more real than any relationship I’ve known!

Right now, in every moment, I’m asking what does life want to do through me. And I’m being that amazing unfolding. It’s the ride of my life.

Pint sized priestess on love without ego

We laid on my bed this morning playing with George the kitten. He was rambunctious and didn’t want to lie still for affection.

“George!  Come here!  Let me make you feel like you are more important than me,” she coaxed the kitty.

“Is that how it feels when you get attention and love? Like you are more important than the person giving it in that sharing? “, I asked, impressed by her observation.

She nodded.  It occurred to me that she was describing love without ego and at some level she experiences it that way as a giver and a receiver.

I love learning from this child.

Why does alone create fear in me?

When I was growing up, one of my chores was to call my grandmother everyday. I would be reminded of how lonely she must be by my mom. This would be reinforced by my nana, who would tell me some days she never opened her mouth to speak.

When I was older, I did my graduate research in nursing homes on the topic of loneliness.  I saw much sad loneliness and systems that perpetuated loneliness.  It was disheartening,  and as an empath,  I internalized much of it.

So now, I am an adult who has lived an enormously full life. It was in meeting a new person who was asking me about how I knew things I knew that I saw my life through his eyes: 10 years his senior, I had accomplishments,  relationships,  a child, abundance,  and incredible stories of what I’ve done in my life. 

I have said out loud I don’t want a traditional partnership,  although I do want a partnership.  And in clearing my consciousness to create openness,  I have to ask why I want what I want, while noting any fears as well.

I don’t fear being alone. I quite like it. I like creating alone, meditating alone. Relaxing alone. What I fear is the absence of the right person when I want to share. When I want to be in the company of beauty, love, humor, wisdom, compassion and consciousness.

I was asked if I was saying I wouldn’t or don’t always want to be in the company of beauty, love, humor, etc? And isn’t waiting for the ‘right’ person to share with attaching my ability to share with conditions outside of myself? If I believe the universe provides me with exactly what I need in the moment, why do I fear a moment where I think it will not provide?

All of that is true. It also summarizes my blockages. Because some part of me believes I will be sad and alone. Some part of me thinks I will suffer. Some part of me doesn’t trust or surrender. Some part of me feels utterly alone. I am blocked and blocking. I’m equally aware it is all untrue and that all is well.

I’d like to get past this ego barrier and flow. Saying it out loud helps. Noticing the fear helps. Noticing the repeated patterns of surrender and knowing my relationship to the universe is helpful. Remembering that all that happens is part of my path of consciousness is pivotal.

But…I would still like a hug.