We’re told that the ego becomes more and more subtle in its influence the deeper you go into your consciousness work. I encountered that a few times this week, including the ego trap of being disappointed that I fell into ego. Which is ego…lol. Yay vicious circle! Ironically, I didn’t celebrate the consciousness that recognized ego.
I have a business opportunity coming up that would manifest almost instantly my desire for freedom, independence, and doing the things that I most love to do. And yet as I go through the process of negotiating with the business, I find myself frustrated and irritated by the things that they are asking. When I shared this observation to my wonderful friend, he instantly identified it with the word “entitlement”. And like he has done for me before, my world had to stop for a moment as I realised how often that came up for me over the week.
When I was in pain with my daughter’s father this week, a part of it was about entitlement. Wasn’t I entitled to more support from him? Wasn’t I entitled to freedom? Wasn’t I entitled to a better relationship given how wonderful a person I am (and actually how wonderful he is)? The shame the creeps over me as a write it out and see how ridiculous it seems is instructive. And even that is ego.
But entitlement has occurred in other ways as well. For example, I look back over 26 years of relationships and say “I have done everything I possibly can to meet society’s guidelines on how to have a healthy relationship and yet here I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied every single time.” It is only when I am simply being present and experiencing the relationship with others (relating) that I am completely fulfilled and satisfied in the interaction. In fact, at this moment, while not being in a partnership, I find myself about as peaceful and happy as I have ever been. There are definitely interactions that I shared with the Magus that I would like to share again, but not as an experience – as a reflection of the relationship. Overall I find myself happy until my ego says “aren’t you entitled to more?” I become angry and sad. It destroys the opportunity in every experience.
I also fell into to the ego trap of being very disappointed with myself when I realized that entitlement was showing up. I spoke to my Tantra teacher (Christopher Hareesh Wallis) who asked me, ” What does it feel like when you’re not judging it? What does it feel like when you remove even the label of anger? ” At first, I couldn’t do it. I needed the identification and self flagellation to feel better. Thanks ego!
But, as I moved to a space of love, more openness was possible. More allowing. More release from the identification.
I realize that entitlement is really a symptom of the personal will. It is that part of me attached to outcome. It is how ego wants to construct the world, and is willing to hijack my spiritual desire to do it.
But that spiritual longing, the intent that is more powerful than anything else in my life, has always moved me back to center. As one friend said, “you have to feel it to heal it.” Entitlement is just a left over from the belief that I am not enough.
There are two Adyashanti stories that are healing me today. One is the idea that the belief in Not Enough is the ego confessing that indeed it is not enough to be Me, my true consciousness. (Let that settle in and blow your mind…)
The other is his saying “If you want what life wants, you will get everything you want.”