When I was 13, I earned my first real paycheck as a babysitter. I had never had my own money. To get anything for myself, I had to go through an uncomfortable process of negotiating and dealing with guilt.
As I grew up, I used my money to pay for treats for my younger siblings. One of my best memories was giving them money to Christmas shop with. Or the time I took them all out for dinner and a movie. I have always taken joy in treating and pampering people I love.
Most of my life, I’ve been the dominant income in my relationships. It is only in the last year that I’ve needed to be supported financially as I’ve healed and built my business. Its been emotionally challenging for me. I spent most of my life wishing someone would take care of me and now I have struggled with being dependent on my joint business (as opposed to my specific business).
I realized I still have great abundance and freedom. But I’m not a woman of independent means. I wish for financial independence.
If I reflect, I always earned money to take care of people – siblings, partners, my family. I didn’t earn it for me. I have not embodied independence.
I have blamed my child’s father for feeling trapped. I feel as if I sacrificed moving forward in trade for safety and security, to hold the family together for my daughter. I have been angry that no matter what I’ve done right, it’s not enough to grow financially as I wish. As soon as I understood that my block was independence, I released my anger with Bhikku. I feel trapped by running a business with him and still sharing a home. But it isn’t him or our arrangements: its the fact I equate independent with alone. Lonely. Vulnerable to attack.
I was given a ride home from the car dealership while my car was in the shop. The man started out pleasant but when all the other passengers were dropped off, his conversation and tone became overtly sexual. Not just flirty – I’m good at flirty – but inappropriate. Now, I can handle myself with aggressive men. I’ve had more than one boss come on to me, and I’ve deflected it without sexual harassment issues. I’ve just pushed back. But in this case, I felt panic. I started to refer to “my husband” in the conversation, and the driver backed off. I felt shame at the lie, and for using the lie about a husband as a shield.
I am one of the last people you would ever think of needing a man to protect her. But some part of me felt I was not enough on my own. The issue of Not Enough, manifesting as a block to independence. Its the same reason I tried to make the Magus into a spouse instead of enjoying all the beauty of who he was.
So, as I owned this in my workshop this weekend, and said it out loud, everything has changed. Sales calls, visioning, workshops…all moving in the right direction. I’m not asking for business in order to rescue me; I’m offering something incredible and I am passionate about how we can unlimit potential.
When I wasn’t looking, I became a woman of independent means.