Nothing

Silence.

Perfect,  profound silence. Filled with nothingness.  I’m returning to this space over and over.

Feeling my part in the world as a responder to flow. Not the driver exactly. But not a passive log in the river either. 

The world doesn’t require alot from me. I can move towards the nothing and still interact.

I don’t quite want to be part of the same things anymore. No more drive to travel or find that next cool thing to try.

I sit at a school talent show, hearing love songs sung. They used to be real to me. I know deeply they were shells of love – emotional hot springs.  Drama, attached energy. And I know I no longer resonate with it.

I’m in joy, as I feel closer to my desire for awakeness and truth. There is a feeling like panicky revision of desire as I realize I’ve died to a part of who I thought I was.  I realize I feel apart. Its like being at a big party,  and knowing its time to leave. That first step outside,  into the silence away from the pulsing music…you know you can’t go back in. You know you are going home and that you are ready. But it can feel as if something is over. And it is.

I’m only part of the way, and I know this.  There’s no turning back.  Only forward. More and more Self is falling away and the process of realigning takes time. The energy can be overwhelming. 

I re-ead my blog from 3 weeks ago. Its not truth. My blogs are no longer true. Or very few of them. I want to take them down so no one is misled away from truth by them.

My fear is aloneness.  The feeling of having very few others to go home with,  or to share and connect with on the journey. That makes me sad, and its hard to love or trust from this place. It will come. It always does.

In time, the nothingness will be connected consciousness.   Today, the ceaseless call of my desire for awakeness is driving everything.  All else will flow from there in time.  The moments of release from longing into being are more often now. Seeing the bigger pattern is almost funny now…its everywhere and I wonder how I missed it.

Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you. 

Facing My Mind Body Grooves: Uncoupling

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I was married in kindergarten.  No, not some weird child bride. But I liked a boy and we acted like a couple. I was allowed to sit at the boy’s table with him. We were always the mom and dad when the kids played house.  He kissed me good bye at the end of every day. He left the school at the end of the year.

My child’s father moved out this week and the Magus told me he is heart engaged with a woman he has met. Yesterday as I hosted my child’s birthday party,  I realized I was the only uncoupled adult in the room.

When the Magus told me about his relationship, I felt disconnected. I feel strongly that there is a journey of consciousness for us. He was happy sharing conscious conversation with me but that’s it. He told me he was embodying what he wanted, and if I wanted that type of heart connection,  I needed to embody it too.

For a day,  I bought into the idea that I needed a relationship,  and that by not having one, I was somehow a failure.  I mean, I had been in relationships since I was 4!

My ego played for a while, explaining and rationalizing what his experience is, or what my child’s father is. I started reconsidering all the men I have in my life for the most likely prospect. 

Then my soul took over again. The fear I felt was how much I would have to change to be in the relationship energy the Magus was exuding.  Thinking of embodying that made me throw up. A few times.

In my fear,  I convinced myself I had never fully been able to love, and that the reason I can’t be in relationship to my child’s father or the Magus when they are coupled is because it reminds me of my failure to love. My fear is not being alone – it is not loving. 

So I went to my kula. Kula mate after kula mate reflected my truth – I am loving,  I have exactly what I value,  nothing is missing. Listen to the truth of my soul. 

Finally my teacher waded in with his observations.  With proud encouragement, he praised me for digging deeply into the mind body grooves that expressed as fear. He did not direct me, or tell me how to think. He waited with loving presence, and he was watching my whole process lead me to truth, even as I was overwhelmed by it. He did not rescue me. And the second I found truth, he engaged with me at that truth.

There is no doubt in my mind that the Magus and I could have created a fully heart engaged relationship of consciousness.  And there is no doubt that I can create that with anyone that also wants and values what I value.  The Magus was capable and I believed that capability also meant we valued the same path. But, the truth of tantra and of law of attraction is that we embody what we value. 

More than ever, I am who I am. And there is so much more.

How Do I Love Thee?

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The first time I saw the movie Romeo and Juliet, I was 13. It seemed like the most beautiful love story possible. I watched the modern version at least 20 times.

With what I know about love now, Romeo and Juliet are a version of codependent relationship, not the greatest love story of all time. They are immature and infatuated with each other. The story worships egoic projections.

I have been revisiting love and visioning how I would relate to a partner. In my head, it is easy for me to revert to old patterns of expectation, some of which border on the childish need for constant attention. I have begun a practice of asking myself how I would react if these expectations were asked of me. In all cases, I cringe. So I’m not ready for a partner yet.

What does love really look like? Not the Romeo and Juliet version…not the twin flame new age BS version…the mature energetic expression of love and consciousness.

“If someone really loves you, they love you just as you are. Their love is not dependent on whether you get a tummy tuck, wear their favorite outfit, do a perfect downward dog. Their love is not conditional on whether you meet their every need, their every whim, their every fantasy. Their love is not contingent on your working on your issues, changing your lifestyle, transforming your personality. If they really love you, they hold you in the highest light. If they really love you, they are too busy giving to you to notice petty details. If they really love you, they see divinity when they look your way. And the divine is not in need of improvement before s(he) is loved!” -Jeff Brown

How do I want to love? I want to embody freeing others from my idea of who they should be and live in acceptance and openness to who and what is. A state of love; a state of self awareness and not of suffering from projections that, when inevitably are unfulfilled, create suffering. I want to accept and allow what is. Whether this occurs with a partner or not, I feel free and alive and happy whenever I embody this. I am in deep joy when I can let go of enough of my body mind grooves to connect with another consciousness, beyond their body mind grooves. We do it very well with children, as they have not built the scarring from life patterns yet. Those moments when you are just in union with consciousness in self or with another is pretty much the most important part of relationship for me.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways… Elizabeth Barrett Browning had the right question but the wrong answer. There is only one way to love. And that is from the core, from the center of our being, from and as the Divine Consciousness we are.