I was married in kindergarten. No, not some weird child bride. But I liked a boy and we acted like a couple. I was allowed to sit at the boy’s table with him. We were always the mom and dad when the kids played house. He kissed me good bye at the end of every day. He left the school at the end of the year.
My child’s father moved out this week and the Magus told me he is heart engaged with a woman he has met. Yesterday as I hosted my child’s birthday party, I realized I was the only uncoupled adult in the room.
When the Magus told me about his relationship, I felt disconnected. I feel strongly that there is a journey of consciousness for us. He was happy sharing conscious conversation with me but that’s it. He told me he was embodying what he wanted, and if I wanted that type of heart connection, I needed to embody it too.
For a day, I bought into the idea that I needed a relationship, and that by not having one, I was somehow a failure. I mean, I had been in relationships since I was 4!
My ego played for a while, explaining and rationalizing what his experience is, or what my child’s father is. I started reconsidering all the men I have in my life for the most likely prospect.
Then my soul took over again. The fear I felt was how much I would have to change to be in the relationship energy the Magus was exuding. Thinking of embodying that made me throw up. A few times.
In my fear, I convinced myself I had never fully been able to love, and that the reason I can’t be in relationship to my child’s father or the Magus when they are coupled is because it reminds me of my failure to love. My fear is not being alone – it is not loving.
So I went to my kula. Kula mate after kula mate reflected my truth – I am loving, I have exactly what I value, nothing is missing. Listen to the truth of my soul.
Finally my teacher waded in with his observations. With proud encouragement, he praised me for digging deeply into the mind body grooves that expressed as fear. He did not direct me, or tell me how to think. He waited with loving presence, and he was watching my whole process lead me to truth, even as I was overwhelmed by it. He did not rescue me. And the second I found truth, he engaged with me at that truth.
There is no doubt in my mind that the Magus and I could have created a fully heart engaged relationship of consciousness. And there is no doubt that I can create that with anyone that also wants and values what I value. The Magus was capable and I believed that capability also meant we valued the same path. But, the truth of tantra and of law of attraction is that we embody what we value.
More than ever, I am who I am. And there is so much more.