“I think you like to be sad,” he said to me in one conversation. I took this on as a need for self improvement. How could a healthy conscious person like to be sad? Isn’t the goal everlasting happiness?
That is BS, as it turns out. All life is energy, and that energy flows, dissolves, solidifies and generally creates what we feel as experience. No energetic experience is good or bad. The suffering comes when we identify with it. And self improvement is a version of self hatred.
“Don’t try to rush through your ripening,” my teacher said. “Enjoy the aliveness of longing and its poignancy.”
I thought he might be crazy.
Then I thought about my favorite books and movies. They all have a poignancy to them – some mix of tragedy and triumph, some hero’s journey or redemptive journey. And I love feeling that as I read them. I devour them. And then put them down to do other things, anxious to pick them up again. No different. Huh!
This poignancy is my ripening. Sort of the gestation period. And the delivery is my absolute knowing and surrendering in trust to the universe. I feel tinges of it as layers fall away from the retreat I attended this weekend. I tasted the joy of emotional and conscious connection. I felt the tears of fulfillment when my offering of self was met with an unconditional Yes. I felt the indescribable peace of being with someone who embodies love and Being-ness.
Now I know. The longing has hope now, clarity and the knowledge that I have felt what I desire, and there will be more.