So the Story Goes

image

I see him in my mind and I instantly feel disgust and anger. So many things he should have been,  and he wasn’t.  So many things I accepted that I shouldn’t.  My stomach roils, my feelings seeth and old reactions surface.

He should have loved me. He should have tried.  He should have been committed.  All story,  so let’s do The Work (Byron Katie).

Is it true? Can I know its true? Its true of me, and all the stories in my head go back to this. But is it true? Something in me knows the answer is No. I just don’t know why.

How do I feel with this belief?  Anger. Anger at being used and abandoned. Anger at being trapped in it. Anger that I stayed. I’ve lost so much.

Who would I be without this belief? I would be free, peaceful. I would stop defending my heart. I would accept what is and not be at odds with reality. I would let go of the fear I will not have what I need when I need it.

Turnarounds: He should have loved me. He used and abandoned me. I won’t have what I need.

I should have loved me. He did love me. I should have loved him. 

I used and abandoned him. He gave to me and stayed. I received what I needed and ended when it was time to let go.

I have what I need. What I have is exactly what I need. I always have what I need.

The disgust and anger soften. Can I look at him and see him without the anger and disgust?  I can, and it hurts. The hurt is easier. I can be with that feeling.

I feel peace and openness. I can be with this moment.

And so the story goes.

Advertisements

All I Want by Kodaline

All I Want by Kodaline

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I’ve never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody.

Oh

If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
All I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oh

I Love You But Do I Like You?

image

I love you. 

I’ve never met you but I can say without hesitation that I love you.  If I meet you,  I will simply be more aware of it.

But there’s no guarantee that I like you. 

“I have yet to meet anyone that I didn’t love. It’s only when I filter them through my mind and endow ‘them’ with my thoughts do I have the time to like and dislike. Loving is easy, liking is recreational.”-Troi Turi

To like you is to be alike. To be alike means that we value many of the same things. To like you is the start of being seperate from you,  because in time I will also notice the differences that keep us from union.

In time, I accept and integrate differences. I learn to challenge the beliefs that keep me seperate. I don’t identify with the projections of mind on you or on me. I see your underlying truth, your consciousness.  I see it and see my own. 

And then I love you. 

Fulfilling Relationship

image

About a year ago, I spent two weeks in Brazil on spiritual retreat. I set three intentions: to love myself, to deepen spiritually, and to have fulfilling relationships.  At the time, I meant that my existing and troubled relationship would become fulfilling.  In its own way,  it did in that anything no longer true of these three intentions was meant to fall away. And the old relationships ended.

What stood out was how much I loved being in the equivalent of a monastery.  I spent my days in meditation or service. I loved it. It felt true of me, possibly from past lives. I had contemplated becoming a nun early in my life.

Not once did I miss having a partner to share it with.  I did share my experiences by text, because they were remarkable but not because I was lonely.  My need to feel belonging was fulfilled.

The most precious parts of my day are my drive to work and my drive at lunch. This is my contemplation time. My biggest knowing of the Divine occurs at this time.

Do I have fulfilling relationships?  I do. But not the way I imagined. I have come to accept that my struggle is that I do not want a romantic relationship,  and that scares me. I try to want a relationship. That trying causes me pain. As I do my meditation,  I realize that my relationships are filled with egoic patterns – even some diaguised as “growing as a person”. In my solitude comes my freedom from self. My being is alive with energy and a joy from the energy.

What I want relates to belonging, the way I felt in Brazil or even in kula in San Francisco: I want a partner who also values his spiritual path as priority and who wants a loving relationship that expands that growth.  Anything else is too little. Anything else is about liking someone alot. Anything else is this:
“A relationship is two belief systems that come together to validate that there is something outside you that can bring you happiness. And when you think that’s true, growing beyond your common belief system means losing the other person because that’s what you had together. So if you move forward, you leave this old belief system behind in what you call the other person, and then you feel it as separation and pain.”- Byron Katie

Its All Good

image

The ego is a patterned repetitive way of thinking.  When we are in ego identity, we believe in a self defined by these impermanent thoughts,  beliefs and feelings.

When we awaken out of the lower self, the ego can become more and more subtle. Spiritual freedom comes when we surrender all ideas of a self, and when we stop grasping or controlling. Then we can be in harmony with what is.

Even controllong ego for spiritually “good” reasons is a subtle egoic consciousness.  In order to live up to my ideals of love and living from unity, I tried to push myself to a state of relating that is not true of me.  I would not accept that what I was feeling was perfect and in line with what is needed for my own growth in consciousness. At the same time, I would not accept how the other was choosing to live – which was easy to recognize as ego in myself and to want to release it. 

I beat myself up for not being who I should be. I mentally hold on to how the other should be or should have been.  All of these are projections of mind. And they are opportunities for release. 

So where am I now? I am not fighting what I feel or judging it. I don’t know how many times my teacher has reminded me to do that!  That is the first part of surrender. I’m also not going to try to be some idea of consciousness.  The processes of surrender and acceptance of what is are much simpler than that.  No efforting. No personal will. No judging the moment.

Even this one.

Relationships

People think that relationships will make them happy, but you can’t get happiness from the other person or from anywhere outside you. A relationship is two belief systems that come together to validate that there is something outside you that can bring you happiness. And when you think that’s true, growing beyond your common belief system means losing the other person because that’s what you had together. So if you move forward, you leave this old belief system behind in what you call the other person, and then you feel it as separation and pain. 

Byron Katie

My Bed Is Full

image

My bed is full.

My baby sleeps beside me
And across our arms perches
The cat, purring gently.

Another time, my love
Wrapped himself around me
Merging breath and heart beat and soul.

My bed is full.

My sister has giggled
And shared secrets that only girls have
In the bed we shared. 

My brother and sister and I
Plotted our capture of
Santa and the Easter Bunny from
My bed.

My bed is full.