Follow the Longing

grief4A few people have asked me if my post Emptiness was about a real person.  The answer is No. He is a representation of my longing for union. And that answer is really important if you are on a path of consciousness and awakening.  Here is my story.

Almost all my life, I have had a longing for awakened consciousness.  I began meditation when I was 13 (with no guidance and alot of mistakes), and I began studying yoga when I was 18.  My seeking for that yearning to be fulfilled took on many forms and paths.  There were many mental barriers I had to cross.

At the same time, I began a search for The One.  The Soulmate. The Partner that would be Beloved. The relationship that would soothe this longing.  Many men held promise.  Two of them were life altering.  One was life altering for the healing of co-dependency that occurred. The other was life altering because that deeper essence of my Self could be expressed since he needed and wanted nothing from me other than me.

I have confused the seeking for consciousness with the seeking of a partner.  My teacher said to me, “When you feel that yearning, don’t go looking to try to figure out what will fill that yearning.  Think of it as a voice calling to you.  When someone calls for you, you turn in the direction of the voice, you don’t follow the sound and see where it ends up.  That yearning is a calling to you from consciousness, so follow the longing back to its source.  What is calling you?”

At the same time, I had the meditation experience I described in Emptiness.  I had projected my yearning as a desire for what seemed to be characterized in Soulmate relationships.  What I have really craved is inside me.  Had the experiences of consciousness and connection I experienced with either partner been Real, or even shared, then it is impossible that I would have been unhappy in the relationships.  And I was really unhappy.  The feeling of union I yearn for, that I experienced in small parts with others, is a union of my soul, a true awakened consciousness.

I would do pretty much anything for both partners because of my love for them, their love for me, and for the belief of a deeper consciousness being revealed through the relationship.  I remember sharing with my partner a deep experience I had of connecting with profound awareness and loving consciousness about a year ago.  It was one of the most heart opening experiences of awakening I had ever had.  If what I thought I shared with this person as a form of deep connection had been true, he would have understood and wanted to build on this with me as part of a shared goal.  I believed that both relationships were based on that shared desire for awakening, for consciousness, and for the intimacy that accompanies that path.  Had that been what we both valued, I am fairly certain I would still be in one of those relationships.  I am unable to understand how the relationships could end unless we did not want the same things at all.

So, Emptiness is about my own awakening, my own release, and my own revelation of the truth of union. And now, I am following the longing.  It makes much more sense than seeking out a person that might mask the longing for a little bit, or who might be able to walk the path with me.  In the past, I have slowed down for the Other, and I suspect that is a big part of why I want freedom and independence more than partnership right now.

Possibly when we say Follow Your Heart, what is more accurate to say is Follow Your Longing.

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