Loving Betrayal

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I was asked once what betrayal was.  My Truth answered it was when one person is no longer willing to sustain the illusion between you and ends that agreement unilaterally. I have come to believe that betrayal is the most loving gift there is, at least if your deepest desire is Liberation, Awakening and Consciousness.

“People think that relationships will make them happy, but you can’t get happiness from the other person or from anywhere outside you. A relationship is two belief systems that come together to validate that there is something outside you that can bring you happiness.  And when you think that’s true, growing beyond your common belief system means losing the other person, because that’s what you had together.  So if you move forward, you leave this old belief system behind in what you call the other person, and then you feel it as separation and pain.” – Byron Katie

The biggest lesson of the endings of relationships I have experienced is how deeply I held on to story, and how much I denied I was doing it.  I held on to the belief that love is enough for a relationship to work, and it is not.  A relationship is a set of agreements, but it is not love.  Love requires nothing – it just is.  But a relationship, and the space you co-create, is a set of agreements that need to be revisited and revised regularly for both people to grow together.  Otherwise, you grow apart, and that is ok.  Mostly though, people grow apart unconsciously, and the separation and pain is felt as part of the story.  I believed in “love is enough” so deeply that I blamed myself for things that were not right in the relationship and I accepted things that were not loving towards me. There was no room to revise agreements because I accepted things that hurt me as something valuable. That is the ultimate betrayal of love.

My teachers continue to reflect to me that one of my obstacles in my process of awakening is the belief I hold that I am not as I should be.  I have turned that evaluation inwards, and blamed myself for things that made me unhappy.  An example is supression of anger.  I have blamed myself for times I have become angry.  What I know now is that anger is my natural response to when something I value is being ignored by another.  The anger itself is not a problem – it is a sign post telling me something needs my attention, that something needs to be surfaced.  The only time I move to rage – which I fear very much – is when I have accepted the denial of something important to me by myself and allowed another to do so as well.  I fear it as a karmic debt I will have to pay; now I understand it for what it is, and will not attach judgement or fear to it anymore.

I know now that I value love more than I value relationship form.  My evidence, as always, is demonstrated by what is. This weekend, my cat died and it was a sad and sorrowful time.  I was prepared for this to be lonely and painful. Instead, the universe conspired to make it something loving, and a process in which I was fully supported (thank you to my friends who snail mailed me gifts of support).  My daughter was with me when he died and we supported each other in this. After the death, an order of food was mistakenly sent to my house, which was something we needed very much. A close spiritual partner showed up on my door step, and stayed with us to process our feelings.  A very new friend went out of his way to support me, including a two hour phone call at 2 am. One of my closest friends, who is very busy right now, spent 10 hours with me on Saturday, just being with me – just being present and doing silly every day things.  By coincidence, he spent the next day with me as well, getting me to play video games.  I am grieving, and have sort of checked out for now, but he has managed to pull me back to knowing that I am on my path, and that it is a good and right path.  Every day he allows me to share new insights and he pushes me to my own Truth. And he says he isn’t a student of consciousness!

I do not care about finding a relationship of two similar belief systems.  I grow too fast for that! And I have learned the lesson of loving betrayal.  I value deepening, and I value co-creating. Maybe someday I will value a lover as a reflection of that.  But for right now, today, I am amazed and in joy over how life is reflecting what I value, what I learn, and how I am liberating myself from old paths.

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