I Am Not I by Juan Ramón Jiménez

I am not I.
I am this one
walking beside me whom I do not see,
whom at times I manage to visit,
and whom at other times I forget;
who remains calm and silent while I talk,
and forgives, gently, when I hate,
who walks where I am not,
who will remain standing when I die.

~ Juan Ramón Jiménez

Yo no soy yo. 
Soy este 
que va a mi lado sin yo verlo, 
que, a veces, voy a ver, 
y que, a veces olvido. 
El que calla, sereno, cuando hablo, 
el que perdona, dulce, cuando odio, 
el que pasea por donde no estoy, 
el que quedará en pie cuando yo muera.

Spiritual Peer Pressure

One criticism that is leveled at spiritual seekers is the pattern of running after new spiritual practices as they emerge. In the consciousness community, you can find yourself facing the type of cliqueishness of main stream society. Instead of comparing summer homes, you can be subtly judged for your experiences, or experiences you don’t choose.

One of my biggest ego traps is living up to who I believe I should be as a spiritual person.  I should be vegan. I should be up at dawn meditating. I should devote more time to my yoga.  I should be a shaman. I should allow Ayahuasca to teach me. I should study more multidimensional beings and develop my relationship with them.

All of that, every single one of those, is a false belief. And similar to other “shoulds”, they are ways of supporting an illusion of ego. It’s a nice spiritual ego. But it’s still ego.

For me, there is an underlying Fear Of Missing Out. What if a multidimensional being is here to guide me? What if the awakening I desire is possible through Ayahuasca? What if I meditated more – would I awaken more quickly?

When I look at those things, it is not that they are bad or don’t hold value. I have a beautiful friend who is a talented curandero. I trust his intentions and his skill completely. I see the beauty and the power in his work. But it is not for me.

It comes back to my intention. I desire awakening more than anything. I desire living from that awakening. It isn’t a mystical experience. I’ve had those. I experienced deep mysticism in Brazil. I’ve traveled beyond space and time. I’ve seen space and time bend. I’ve left my body. I have experienced higher and lower states of consciousness. And so on.

It is that deep prodding of my soul that pushes me and now guides my experiences. There is no judgment of one path being The Path. But there is My Path. When I stray from it, I suffer. I know when I’m not following the wisdom of my Spirit.

The Fear of Missing Out can allow a subtle form of spiritual peer pressure to emerge in our communities. I find myself pulling out of most consciousness communities right now to walk my path. I’m very much on a road between villages today and enjoying the one or two companions who walk with me now. Instead of selfishly protecting my freedom and independence, I see them as irrevocable parts of me.

And I am blessed beyond description.
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Peace in Me

Here is what I know about peace:

I have taught conflict resolution and I’m a certified mediator. I have studied many forms of listening and communicating. I’ve been lucky enough to resolve many workplace conflicts. 

But, it was only because the people involved wanted peace and resolution. The conflicts I did not resolve were deeply rooted in value differences and a desire to be right.

No level of interest based mediation could change that. 

Lately I’ve experienced conflicts that are not moving. I have applied everything I know and value and there is no resolution.  I have to love them from a distance. 

But…that only matters if my goal is control. My goal is peace and to communicate non-violently. It is really easy for me to fall back to control. As a result, I often let go of what I value to keep trying in relationship. On the surface it looks generous. But it’s just ego trying to negotiate my values and needs with the other.

My intention for 2015 is peace, love and release of attempts to control another.  

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Why Deserve Is An Ego Trap

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A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog based on a comment made to me by someone who said, “You deserve more.” At the time, I felt inadequate for not seeing or believing that myself.

That which is in our life has nothing to do with deserving. What shows up in our lives is a reflection of what we value, of our vibration and ultimately, of that to which we give our energy.

“Use whatever excuse you can to vibrate in harmony with those things you’ve been saying you want. And when you do, those things that are a vibrational equivalent flow into your experience in abundance. Not because you deserve it, not because you’ve earned it, but because it’s the natural consequence of the Law of Attraction. That which is like unto itself is drawn.” -Abraham

To say I deserve more has an element of lack. It says I’m not as I should be. It reinforces ego, which always resists what is.

On the path of awakening, I recognize in moments that I am not this self as defined by my thoughts. I feel the edges of the truth of unity and of the Divine presence of everything.

I cannot possibly say what I deserve. On what would that be based? I know more and more about what I Am, and continue to Be. I am not even sure how I could imagine wanting more. I contrast that to my experience of when things are not lined up with what I value, and it becomes a moment for acceptance and inquiry. If someone does not value my needs as much as I wish, then that is what is. And I can make choices from there, including valuing my own needs.

If anything, I suppose I deserve to value my own needs. That is love.

The Day After Solstice

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A year ago my biggest fear was living and not being a full expression of self. I also attached that to being dependent on another for that expression to occur. Today I’m smiling at it. That fear is a benchmark for how much egoic  consciousness has been released.

That full expression of self was of course expression of self as ego. Now I focus on letting go of ego and awakening to something deeper.

How can I be anything but an expression of self?

What I also believed was that it was only through a special spiritual partner that I could realize my awakened consciousness.  In fact,  that journey is taken alone.  I value my spiritual partner for reminding me when I’ve strayed from my own truth but that journey is not a WE path.

I do share my path once I’ve walked it. I value my spiritual community of people who gather in my home and heart to do work.

And now I awaken to a world and reality quite different than the one I held beliefs about.

It Takes A Village

More details on the work of my friend. His glass is beautiful. Please consider his project.

Stafford Art Glass

Ornaments@Matrix GalleryI am in the midst of a crowdfunding campaign to raise resources to make repairs and get my studio operational so that I can make and launch a new product, which is a fusion of art glass with lighting.  This is a grassroots effort with national reach.  The Gaia Lamp which this project funds will get works into the hands of galleries of fine craft all across the United States.  The campaign is a fixed campaign, which in crowdfunding lingo means that this is an “all or nothing” effort.  I have a goal of $5,600.00 for this project.  If I fall short, donations, which are being held by the campaign platform indiegogo.com, will be returned. That means I am under the gun and on the clock.

Getting the word out is huge for campaigns like this.  I have tried to impress my family and friends with the thought that I…

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