Identity Jambalaya

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My friend of 10 years and I have lunch every few months. He’s known me in business and in spirituality. “You are relentless and impatient in life and in business. In spirituality you are at peace and in flow. There are two of you,” he observed. 

I felt a wry smile emerge. Just this morning I was thinking that if one more person admired me for my patience, I would scream. I appear patient only. But it’s easier when I’m in a spiritual forum.

I explained to my long time friend that I did not belong in relationships. I spoke of freedom and independence. And as I had that thought, I understood why I am reluctant to have a relationship. To me, relationship has been a role. I have defined myself in relation to others. For once, I’m defining myself on my own. More than that, I’m striving for no identification at all – for awareness of the No Self. Adyashanti speaks of it like this:

“All identity had collapsed, as both the self in the ego sense of a separate me, and as the slightest twinge of identity with the Absolute Self, with the Oneness of consciousness. There had still been some unconscious, identity or “me-ness” which was the cause of
the discontent. And it all collapsed. Identity itself collapsed, and from that point on there was no grasping whatsoever for little me or for the unified consciousness me. Identity just fell away and blew away with the wind.”

If I enter a relationship now, I fear identifying with a little self, self in relationship, and a million other ego issues. I fear I cannot love. I fear being relentless and impatient. I fear hurting yet another man. I fear losing what awakening I’m realizing.

So my soul whispers Not Yet, Not Now.

And I heed that voice, knowing this fear is another path of inquiry. And in inquiry, my relentlessness and my impatience are assets.

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