About a year ago, I took a one day session with Troy Turi Yoga. He is an in your face kind of yoga teacher, but I value that quality. When it came to teaching physical aspects of yoga, he was probably one of the best teachers I have had. I can tell, because he had me try a position in which I actually fell over, and I felt pride instead of shame in that!
Yesterday he posted something that just hit the right truths in me. I have been meditating on a few opposing things happening inside of me. On one hand, I am attracting deep connection with others. On the other hand, I am very repelled by the dyanamics I associate with intimate relationship. And on the third hand, I want a full expression of self in intimate relationship.
Troy posted, “I’m not averse to falling in love, I’m just not into it. Do you know just how much love I see daily in my classes? Enough for a lifetime each day. Yeah. Unfortunately I’m only good at two things: Life & Love. It’s enough. There’s always a goldfish.” I get this, because it is true of me as well. I just deny it. And any time I deny my own truth, I feel it these days. I do not believe in some magical “in love”. We end up in relationships with people based on vibrational alignment. We deepen to the extent it is possible, given our consciousness, karma, and what we value. I have a relationship with a woman right now that is probably the best “in love” relationship I could want. If circumstances resulted in partnership, I would probably be open to that. And at the same time, I know that circumstances will not allow it probably because this is a transition to the intimate relationship I am suited to have. It shows the vibration I am exuding and resonating with, regardless of gender.
Often, I think “in love” is a contact high. We enjoy the feeling we get with the other person, and that contact high may or may not deepen into something more. The contact high doesn’t tell us that a deeper relationship is possible. It means that there is some vibrational alignment, and it resonates with a truth in us. After that, we choose the relationship, and we choose the other person. There is no more magic in one individual than there is another – except for the alignment in consciousness, karma, and values in that moment.
Right now, my vibration is about living in my truth regardless of who is around me. I have lost myself in relationship, and have chosen the relationships to be a source of exactly that experience. When I think of what I value the most in my current relationships, it is their ability to point me back towards my own truth. That is lovely, and ultimately it needs to be Me doing that. Then relationships will take on a new meaning. Possibly that is when I will be ready for an intimate partnership.
“To live by the light of another is ultimately unsatisfying.
As long as you are in the resonation field (of a teacher), the same truth is resonating inside of you. Often when you walk out of the field, that thing in you goes dormant, as it doesn’t have what it needs to sustain itself on its own. Then you get an addictive quality with that teacher or that experience. To find your own light in the presence of another is beautiful, but it is a dependency. Fundamentally, at some point, you have to go That’s it – I have to find that truth in myself, by myself. Deep deep inside, you are taking complete responsibility for your whole spiritual endeavour. It puts you in a real state of aloneness. We associate this with Lost-ness. But that isn’t true. You have to stay focused on the dissatisfaction with the dependency.” – Adyashanti
For me, whether it is a teacher or a lover, living by the light of another will not work for me. That experience repels me and actually trigger anger in me. What a beautiful way my truth is turning me towards itself.