The Day Has Come

“Mommy, I am going to call you Mom now,” I was informed by my little one.

My heart gasped but I nodded and said, “Ok but I am going to call you my Little Bug forever.”

“Ok Mommy…Mom. Can we snuggle for a while?” She tucked under my arm.

Its all good.

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It Is The Real World

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I followed her down the stairs from the yoga studio in which we had spent two days with a Tibetan Buddhist Lama and an Indigenous Elder. The message had been about how our mind was the cause of suffering, and the tools we had to release ourselves from that mind chatter. We had built a sense of community and love.

As we stepped outside, we were greeted by the filth and stench from the bar next door. She turned to me and said, “Ugh. Back to the real world.” And I watched her close and cave inwards.

I felt so sad for her. As many do after a retreat, she had separated out the experience we had as dependent on the Lama, the yoga studio, or being in community with like minded others.

I wanted to scream that nothing had changed in reality. I wanted her to know that she was creating reality in her mind. But I thought that if the Lama had not been enough for her to see that, my words would not help in this moment.

What I was truly grateful for was seeing my reality in contrast to hers. I was grateful for the compassion I felt for her. I was grateful for the little bit of awakening it represents.

And I am grateful that today, someone DID want my support in seeing reality for what it is.

Spring Cleaning My Psyche

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“In Tantra, we view the mind as a
sensory organ of a type. The eyes receive stimuli that are visually interpreted.  The ears receive vibrations that are interpreted as sound.  The mind receives conditioned patterning.  All this is perceived by awareness, by our essence. But we would not make the mistake of saying what we see is who we are, or what we hear is ours. Don’t mistake your thoughts as yours either. You can’t cause a thought.  How can it be yours? ” -Christopher Hareesh Wallis

I am in a Tantric immersion program. We integrate the Scriptures now with asanas  and other practices that align energy.  This week has been about cleansing the central channel. 

Normally,  I love spring cleaning. I approached this inner cleanse with as much gusto.

Good God, how unprepared I was for this. I am nauseous and fatigued.  My dreams are corrupted with pain that continues as repetitive thinking in my day.  I don’t feel happy.  I feel as if I am backed into a corner of light as darkness tries to engulf me.

Fair enough.  I committed to my path of awakening. That includes releasing one by one those beliefs and patterns that are Sanskara. (Sanskara are the imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience in this or previous lives, which then color all of life, one’s nature, responses, states of mind, etc.The Dictionary of Common Sanskrit Spiritual Words says, “Whenever an action is performed with the desire for a specific result (whether for oneself or another), sanskara is created for that person. These accumulate and determine the situations with which we will be presented in the future and will influence the scope of future actions”. – Wikipedia).

My dreams are letting me know where the emotional bodies are buried in my psyche. I feel discouraged. I am struggling to handle the emotions and get back to my spiritual happy place.  Of course,  that isn’t the awareness in me talking – that is ego. Adyashanti reminds us that the True Self doesn’t judge things as good or bad. The True Self is present with and loves exactly what is.

So is it once more in to the fray I go? No not really – first, I let it all go.  That’s all.

Somebody that I Used To Know?

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“Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I’ll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn’t have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don’t even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn’t have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don’t need that though
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know” – Goyte

I love that song. It captures the misalignment of vibration that happens when it is time to leave a relationship. 

I used to hear that song with sadness.  Until recently,  I had great ongoing relationships with former lovers.  I felt sadness that relationship endings take on the story in this song. I didn’t want people I love deeply to become people that I used to know!

And yet…as I find myself very much OVER a relationship, the men are now people I used to know. I feel no draw to be friends or have them as part of my life. There is still love.  But a definite feeling of someone I used to know.

How do I resolve that feeling with unity, oneness, divine connection?

By re – writing the lyrics: now you are just somebody that I used to be.

Relationships are reflections of who we are, where our consciousness touches another. Either we deepen from that place, in full partnership, or we move apart as our vibrations no longer resonate.  I know that when two spiritually and emotionally aligned people connect, it is a reflection of their illusion of seperateness dissolving that manifests in the relationship.

Somehow, it feels much more right to see my past loves as someone that I used to be.

Spiritual maturity is not emotional maturity

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My past loves have been men who were deeply spiritual. It is still my number one relationship priority – friend or lover, male or female.  But I confused spiritual maturity with emotional maturity. 

“You can have a tremendously transformational experience, and it doesn’t immediately get rid of all of your contradictions and confusions. Sometimes your deepest shadow comes up after your deepest awakening. Often we have to begin by admitting what is still churning within us.”- Adyashanti

A lot of spiritual relationship guidance is about changing the consciousness you bring in to a relationship. I think this may be BS.  You are conscious awareness, love, presence and creative potential.  That will be reflected in what flows in and out of your life. But if the consciousness shifts in your
relationship without a corresponding emotional maturing and deepening, you will face the same shadow elements that arise from that vibrational difference. 

When I think about the relationship I am pulling away from, I see my inner re- balancing.  I love him and am attracted to the depths of his spiritual nature. But I am very aware of the discomfort in  the emotional dissonance.

And that is perfectly ok. Nothing needs to happen beyond recognizing that current reality.  It isn’t good or bad. It just is. I am disappointed but that is because I projected possibility.  That possibility is still true – just not here. It is true of me. I know this because there are many relationships in my life now that reflect spiritual and emotional maturity.

But darn…the fantasy was nice while it lasted.

(By the way, this applies to me too. At times, my spiritual maturity exceeded my emotional maturity – otherwise that would not have been true in my relationships.)

To Love or Not to Love: When Fear Clouds Your Eyes

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I had the opportunity to hear about the break up of a man I love and his long term partner.  I know that two people often describe their relationship and it’s ending very differently.  We feel the need to assign meaning to what was and to its ending.

I became aware of my fear and anger towards him. A day ago, I saw a strong and awake man. Now, I saw a man who left his partner in the same way the Magus moved away from me. I started to pull in and away. I did not, and currently still do not want to deepen with this man.

“The psyche is built upon avoiding this pain, and as a result, it has fear of pain as its foundation. That is what caused the psyche to be. To understand this, notice that if the feeling of rejection is a major problem for you, you will fear experiences that cause rejection. That fear will become part of your psyche. Even though the actual events causing rejection are infrequent, you will have to deal with the fear of rejection all the time. That is how we create a pain that is always there. If you are doing something to avoid pain, then pain is running your life. All of your thoughts and feelings will be affected by your fears.” – Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

My practice this week, coincidentally, is on working with fear. This week has presented many fears. Financial challenges, romantic challenges,  feelings of failure.  I am at peace with all of them. All but one: my fear that I am not capable of love.

Often, I know I am loving.  And often I pull inside with fear and old patterns. Am I  as afraid to love as I am not to?

I don’t know. I am grateful to be with this experience and to know I am ready to take it on. And I am afraid, too.

“If you truly love someone, your love sees past their humanness.” –
Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself

Do I love myself enough to see past my humanness?  Can I love others this way too? What great defense stories I will have to release to be this love…

Aging Is Not Old

I met a new friend last summer at a music festival.  When I dropped them off, our mutual friend asked him how old he thought I was. His impression was late thirties. In fact, I am late forties.

While that is sweet, I am not fussed about aging. I am aware my body is changing in ways related to age, specifically fertility. At one time, that felt like a loss but it was for relationship reasons, not pure loss on my part.

Is aging about getting old? Is it about loss? I am unconvinced. 

“You can’t change a belief that is unconscious. But once it’s conscious, then you are in the driver’s seat of your own life.

I devoted all of 2014 to crafting, documenting, and living a new story about age. In a nutshell, I’ve been reveling in getting older myself. I’ve become more flexible, happier, more fit, and more optimistic about the future than ever. That’s because I’ve learned how to get older without any of the deterioration or decline that our culture has taught us is standard after the age of 50.

I’m not alone. Many of you are living the same way, knowing that some of your best years are AHEAD.

Still, you’d have to be living under a rock to avoid the deadly effects of our inherited and time worn beliefs about what is supposed to happen as you get older.

Here’s the truth:
It is your beliefs—and the behavior that stems from those beliefs—that largely determines your experience of moving through time.” — Christiane Northrup, M.D.

The other day, I slept on the floor with my daughter in the fort we had built.  Then I did it again. By the third day, my back was pretty stiff.  A friend quipped “Age will catch up with you!” I halted, because that just didn’t feel true. An hour of yoga later, and my flexibility had returned. Was age to blame?

What I know is that my beliefs about aging have very little to do with loss and more to do with possibilities.

Today, if you are ready to change your beliefs about aging, take a look at this article on over 60s.

And if you are looking for something deeper, try Dr Northrup’s work.