I am trying to remember my first excuse. Was it the note that got me out of gym? Or maybe the loose tooth that meant I didn’t have to eat granola?
Excuses are little white lies we use to avoid a conflict. As a grown up, my excuses have been things like a sick child, or my home life. Sometimes it is more elegant, like believing my intuition is pushing me away. I stopped dead when I realized I was teaching my child to come up with them too.
“We have to reschedule our massage,” I explained to my daughter when a birthday party conflicted with our appointment.
“What are you going to tell them?”, she asked.
“Nothing. I am just going to reschedule,” I said.
A concerned look appeared on her face. “You can tell them I am sick. Then they won’t be mad.”
I spent time exploring that with her, and affirmed that honesty is always ok. But then I looked at myself. Why do I make excuses?
“We are scared of the consequence of hurting another’s feelings. We want to let him or her off easy by cushioning the blow of our actions with an explanation and an excuse. Some might call that noble. I call it a cowardly cop out, because the intention of the excuse actually has nothing to do with the other person.
We make excuses to protect ourselves from inflicting any discomfort or unrest within our lives. We hide behind our explanations so we don’t have to stand up and face the consequences that may blow in our direction. All of our actions create wind, whether it be a strong gust or a light breeze.” – Rebecca Lammersen
Out of my top five values, the one I boast the most about is integrity. I have quit jobs with nothing to fall back on for integrity. I have left clients because they did not reflect integrity. And yet excuses pervade my psychology as a practiced conditioned response.
So what is really so wrong with excuses? Aren’t they mostly harmless?
They become a vibration that manifests everywhere. For me, a life of excuses was the vibration that shaped my partnerships.
“In my last relationship, I never realized the type of love my boyfriend and I really had. I thought we had the passion — that connection everyone dreams to have —, but looking back, I realize that false image was holding me onto a love that was not fulfilling my needs. I was in love with what could be instead of what really was.
I loved the idea of what we could be because my boyfriend sometimes revealed small glimpses of an amazing potential relationship, even though about 80 percent of the time, it was not a positive experience. I fell in love with the idea of those glimpses. I imagined that if he just did this or if he just changed that, everything would align and be perfect.
Two years later, I found myself still in love with those ideas, with more and more tears because it never became what could have been. I told my friends about the simple things he did to show he cared. Since they were rare, when they happened, I wanted to prove that I had a great guy, regardless of what they thought. In reality, those little things should have happened regardless; they should not have been rare.
In a way, I was trying to prove that my friends were wrong about my boyfriend and simultaneously convince myself that I was right about him, too. I was trying to justify staying with a guy I loved, despite the fact that he only showed that he loved me part-time.
If you ever find yourself justifying your man’s actions or not wanting to share the truth about things he has said or done, chances are, you are in love with his could-bes. If you cling to every good thing he does until he does something else nice or brag-worthy, chances are you are in love with the “could be”.” – Lisa Thompson
When my ego starts to complain about everything I did for the men in my life and how they left anyway, I stop and ask “is that true?”. Or is it more true that when I became in alignment with my True Self, and would not accept my own excuses, the universe lovingly moved them out of my life?
Excuses will not be part of my Truth any longer. Like anger, the desire to have an excuse will be a pointer for my own inquiry. But I will never make an excuse again.