5: 00 am, and I have pulled myself out of bed to my meditation space, despite my mind’s inner protestations. As I try to ease in and focus, my one-eyed cat plays vociferously with the dangling shoots of my spider plant. The sound of a bus pulling away draws my attention next. Finally, I nearly give it all up when the dogs whine, confused about why I am sitting at my altar instead of feeding them.
But I didn’t give up. I sat there, and knew this would not be one of my really wonderful meditation mornings. Ok, I can accept that. In that moment, I accessed the quiet Source within which all this was being experienced…ah…
I know the quotation “That which you resist, persists.” I know this. “Attention energizes, and intention transforms. Whatever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life. Whatever you take your attention away from will wither, disintegrate, and disappear.” ~ Deepak Chopra
It is because of exactly that I find myself concerned about how often my thoughts return to old patterns and sources of pain. I begin to obsess about why, what is under it all. What can I learn. And ultimately, what is wrong with me.
And right there, just like the surrender in my meditation, I realize I am attaching significance to my conditioned thoughts, which energizes them. What is worse, I am energizing them with a belief that they occur because of something not good enough about me, my work, my healing, my growth. Resistance, and persistence.
The conditioned mind is conditioned. It is meant to react automatically to triggers. In meditation, when thoughts arise I notice them and let them go. When my painful thoughts arise, I resist them and energize them. Then wonder why they keep arising. Why wouldn’t they? They are very well fed!
So, my beautiful pain filled unconscious and triggered thoughts – I love you, you are very interesting, and I let you go now. I am so much bigger than my conditioning. I am the awareness of all of this. Farewell!