Once, I took pride in saying I would hurt myself before I would hurt another person. It seemed like a high value to hold. It was very much influenced by my interpretation of Christianity. It was a blend of martyrdom and co-dependency.
I know it is normal to reflect and replay moments of life in our heads. Recently, my dreams have been filled with replaying past relationships. I feel betrayed by my subconscious: since I won’t feed the grooves of Sanskara when I am awake, they are surfacing in my dream state.
There is a theme in the dreams of how I disappointed my partners. In every dream, He asks me to do or accept something about Him that causes me pain. I say No, and He gives me a look of sad disappointment. I wake up feeling like a failure.
In Satsang last night, my teacher said something that helped to soothe my mind. “Unconditional love is not unconditional permission.” – Christopher Hareesh Wallis
I am not sure how I envisioned unconditional love, but I am sure it had elements of unconditional acceptance. And that unconditional acceptance looked like unconditional permission in my head.
I have beaten myself up for what I allowed in my relationships, but I have equally beaten myself up for what I did in my relationships. I feel such sorrow for the pain I have caused.
My deepest truth is love and accepting what is. What has been was perfect. I must gently show compassion to myself for what I have learned. I accept all that is, including myself. Somewhere in there is the knowledge that I am not this personality or this ego. These are experiences in my awareness.
I love all that is. I stay open, and the energy flow is amazing. So let’s see how my dreams speak to me tonight.