Lately, I have been in love alot. Not with a romantic partner. But with people, moments, experiences.
I have had moments of connection that burst me open. I have experienced kula and community more deeply than family at times. I have looked into the eyes of another and seen consciousness. And then another. And another.
I have wrestled for some time with the value of romantic relationship. Of course, that was the first symptom demonstrating how I had shifted inside into more awake and aware. Relationships were about commitment and fulfillment. My relationships were partners who were supposed to help me achieve spiritual awakening. They didn’t.
The key to tantra or Buddhism is the idea of letting energy pass through you. If you want to be happy, stay open energetically and connect to the deeper essence. If you want to suffer, energize false beliefs and close down to protect yourself.
When I finally found myself out of relationships for the first time in 30 years, I was finally ready to do the work of letting the energy of my fears pass through me. I could be open to joy and sadness. Love, fear, compassion, and clarity.
My relationships ended. It wasn’t about what they did or didn’t do. The dysfunction in our relating was symptom not cause; symptoms of how we closed down energetically as our blocks were triggerrd. They were perfect. I was perfect. The universe will do whatever it takes for us to learn peace and freedom. They were my ticket to avoid loneliness. But I was still lonely. So both Bhiku and the Magus left and I had to heal lonely. Now I am free to experience people instead of chasing as a way to avoid lonely.
So, universe – Thank You. I am in love. Not the infatuation type. The love that is me residing in my essence and acting from there. This is the most beautiful freedom ever.