This was a weekend of intense triggers. It was a year ago that my daughter’s father moved out; a year ago that her godfather dropped by to tell me about his new love; a year ago that I was without a job or the money to be independent; a year ago that I realized how much of my suffering was from my identification with all of this. So it was not surprising when I woke from a terrible nightmare this weekend, trapped in a sense that all of this was happening again, now. All my spiritual truths disappeared, and for a moment I was paralized with the belief that the horrible things that happened were indeed horrible and that my life was wasted.
I recognized it as ego death throes, and acknowledged it. I could return to knowing who it was that was experiencing this. That didn’t stop the experience however. It shifted it. But the energy was still very present, and remained through the day.
Isn’t it remarkable how the ego uses triggers – old symbols of prior conditioning – to show us where we are still holding? In an instant, my entire sense of truth was vaporized. And yet, just a few days ago, I was expounding to my kula mate how beautiful my growth was, and how the world was so different for me now. All of that is true, and now I am equipped to dissolve the residue of those old scripts in my psyche.
It reminded me of Yoga Nidra, where we quickly dissolve mental constructs and shift awareness. That practice has helped me relax and release so much. “Yoga Nidra (Sanskrit for Yogic Sleep) is a powerful technique from the Tantra Yoga tradition. It is both a name of a state and of a practice which creates an altered state of consciousness allowing the practitioner to relax and heal their being, expand their faculty of imagination, enter the realm of subconscious & superconscious, effectively manifest seemingly magical changes in their life, certain karmic debris in their life clear (if you believe in Karma) and assist in reaching a state called by some enlightenment.” http://tantrayoganidra.com/
Yoga Nidra has been the perfect tool for when the ego wants to dance another dance with me. It is a way to move from the grooves of the mind, to seeing how you energize them. It is a way to let inquiry come to the surface.
So today, I look the terror in the eyes and know it dissolves as I move back to asking Who Am I? Who is aware of these thoughts? Then the illusions of the past crumble.