I proudly call myself “the AND person”: if I am presented with cake OR ice cream, I choose cake AND ice cream. If I can’t decide between two scarves, I buy them both. If you can’t decide between two things, I buy them both for you as a gift. And I celebrate deeply the abundance in that.
But recently I have uncovered an ego pattern in that behaviour. It is true I am generous. It is true I am abundant. And what is also true is that I hate being restricted.
I do not like being told what to do. I don’t like turning something down – when might the opportunity arise again? I really don’t like not having what I want. Now.
It sounds like a petulant child when it is expressed like that. And I have acted like a petulant child before when someone (usually a partner or an authority figure) tells me not to do something.
I was so clear that being AND was freedom; yet it is how I protect myself from feeling trapped. In tantra, this is a form of possession. It is holding on to a belief that is so false that I cannot see the truth of my being.
I am going to miss “AND”. It will still be part of celebration and generosity. Now that I have seen it trick me into feeling free of restriction, it will never be the same again.