I Don’t Need What I Don’t Have

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“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” – Byron Katie

Three men in a row. Three. All of whom wandered in to my life and engaged emotionally and flirtatiously. All now with other women.

I began to doubt my ability to read the signals. But I have dated over 50 people. I have had relationships of 7 to 10 years in length. My vedic astrologer told me most yoginis complain to her that they haven’t had even one deep relationship  (could that sentence be more new age???).

My ego did a WTF. And then I laughed. It’s more confirmation that I just don’t want a relationship.  And of how scared I am of that truth.

I can’t blame my ego for trying. It’s the first time in 27 years I have gone this long without a long term relationship.  It makes sense that my life time of conditioning would push me towards the safe and familiar.

What I didn’t know before is how amazing it is to not be in a long term relationship.  It isn’t the relationship that makes me happy – it’s me. In fact, there is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship.  Or a relationship where you love the other but don’t want them. Or a relationship that is based on ego connection.

So I see it, that beautiful ego trying to protect me from something which I need no defense. The ego is beginning to look like a card board cut out.

I laugh. I live. I love. And I dance naked in the rain.

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2 thoughts on “I Don’t Need What I Don’t Have

  1. ViewPacific says:

    Many say we can’t be open to a deep relationship until we’ve first embraced the one with our own genuine wonder-filled selves. To that, I’m certain Byron Katie would have us ask: Is it true?
    Taking time to enjoy your “freedom” doesn’t preclude you from being in relationship-it deepens and hastens it. That’s my truth for now.
    Vincent

  2. I don’t feel like I am against a relationship. I think I am just surprised that I don’t want one. If I listen closely, I hear my truth say “not now”. Relationship is valuable. I suggest that no relationship is valuable too.

    I keep in mind I have several deep relationships. Just not a partnership.

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