“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” – Byron Katie
Three men in a row. Three. All of whom wandered in to my life and engaged emotionally and flirtatiously. All now with other women.
I began to doubt my ability to read the signals. But I have dated over 50 people. I have had relationships of 7 to 10 years in length. My vedic astrologer told me most yoginis complain to her that they haven’t had even one deep relationship (could that sentence be more new age???).
My ego did a WTF. And then I laughed. It’s more confirmation that I just don’t want a relationship. And of how scared I am of that truth.
I can’t blame my ego for trying. It’s the first time in 27 years I have gone this long without a long term relationship. It makes sense that my life time of conditioning would push me towards the safe and familiar.
What I didn’t know before is how amazing it is to not be in a long term relationship. It isn’t the relationship that makes me happy – it’s me. In fact, there is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship. Or a relationship where you love the other but don’t want them. Or a relationship that is based on ego connection.
So I see it, that beautiful ego trying to protect me from something which I need no defense. The ego is beginning to look like a card board cut out.
I laugh. I live. I love. And I dance naked in the rain.