Just The Way I Am

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“You know, your freedom is nice now but don’t let it stop you from having a relationship,” he said.

And another time…

“I am so glad you decided to stop being  selfish,” she said to me about my newly announced pregnancy, some years ago.

You might believe I am insulted by these two scenarios of others viewing my life through their own lenses, and I was initially. I know now that the words were honest reflections of what other people believe.

They are great examples of Byron Katie’s quote: “There is nothing that isn’t true if you believe it; and nothing is true, believe it or not.”

I suppose in my blogs it can seem like I am advocating for freedom instead of relationship.  That is not my intent. One can be free in a relationship, at least the type of freedom that I mean.

It can seem like I am defensive about not wanting a relationship. I am a bit. I feel pressed by people who love me to be in a relationship.  I could pull out arguments about patriarchal views of independent women,  or spiritual views of how we deepen in relationship.

What I am is honestly surprised. I spent my life since I was 13 looking for a mate. I have had 3 profoundly beautiful long term relationships, and a few shorter ones since that go outside my comfort zone. Every one of those has shown me I don’t want a relationship.  That’s not to say I am not open to one. But as a conscious and awakening woman, what I desire is unique, not to be found around every corner. And I accept that deeply. Because I am in a space of awareness where I do not resist what is.

“The ego may exist as a series of passing thoughts, beliefs, actions, and reactions, but in and of itself it has no identity. Ultimately all of the images we have about ourselves and the world turn out to be nothing but a resistance to things as they are. What we call ego is simply the mechanism our mind uses to resist life as it is. In that way, ego isn’t a thing as much as it is a verb. It is the resistance to what is. It is the pushing away or pulling toward. This momentum, this grasping and rejecting, is what forms a sense of a self that is distinct, or separate, from the world around us.” ~Adyashanti

That is freedom.

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2 thoughts on “Just The Way I Am

  1. FlutePlayer says:

    Get some imperfect guy and work on him.

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