It is good to reflect on experiences and see what they point to on your spiritual journey. But when does inner inquiry turn into indulging the Ego?
It did not occur to me that the work I do looking for insights can subtley become a way of indulging my egoic self. We are told that the ego can try to co-opt the journey of awakening. And like any good egoic consciousness, I was sure that couldn’t happen to me, especially being forwarned.
I have found myself ruminating on one source of pain for some time now. I have done The Work (Byron Katie) so I have moved alot of the underlying thoughts related to my suffering. But I go back to scenarios and moments, as if there is something more to milk from it. I justify the returning thoughts as my exploration of what may be unfinished.
Yet, there is nothing new. If anything, I see I am creating a story called “What am I not seeing?”, to justify what is just an egoic groove. I have ruminated on this issue for some time, and I have many triggers for it. So it is natural that it will take a bit of practice to not become enamoured by settling back into the familiar self righteousness and suffering that this set of thoughts creates.
What I am really doing is indulging the ego. I am saying things like “There must be more to this” or “I am not done with that lesson”. More accurately, I am breathing life back into the ego.
“You breathe life into your ego in the form of emotional addictions. Emotion is the very life-force of ego. So the point of detachment isn’t to detach from things, but to detach from your emotional bonds with things. And you don’t simply let go of emotional bonds; you burn through them with investigative awareness. You see them for what they are: prisons, false structures holding you in spiritual infancy. ” -Adyashanti
Every time I recognize something like this, the release is so sweet. It is like taking your shoes off and wiggling your toes in the sand. It is one more piece of freedom.
The blood moon lunar eclipse represents final closure on things that have been lurking in your shadow. I celebrate that my ritual on Sunday set this awareness in motion. Nature so happily shows us how to be awake.