When relationships end, it is normal during the grief process to pull back and go inside. You don’t have the energy to go out. You don’t want to do things that remind you of your former partner. And really, you are trying to keep one foot moving in front of the other anyway.
Which is why I began to beat myself up when after a few years I still wasn’t going out every week or taking new classes outside the house. Was I stuck? Had I not moved on?
This week my child was out of town for 3 days (gulp!) and people asked what I was going to do to indulge myself with my free nights. I signed up for yoga. A floatation tank. Dance night. Woo hoo!
And I didn’t go to any of them.
Because I am in love with being connected to the Divine.
What did I do those nights? Well, nothing really. I meditated. I journalled. I sat in silence. I cooked. I had incredible teas from my little collection (Shout out to Acquired Taste Teas). I wasn’t doing. I was being.
I was listening to Wayne Dyer in “The Shift”. In it, he refers to the things we value when we begin to awaken (the list varies for men and women. Sorry guys!). Before awakening, women value Family, Independence, and Career. After awakening begins, women valued Personal growth, Spirituality and Happiness. That shift in what was being reflected in my own life resonated.
A few years ago, I went on pilgrimage to John of God. I had many experiences while I was there. The three most notable were John committed to supporting a deepening in my spiritual awakening, he worked with me on reflecting self love, and I found deep joy in quietly serving others. I mark that trip as the start of significant moments of awakening.
Following that trip, anything that didn’t align with these aspects of growth were removed from my life. Relationships first. Business next. Then the move from doing to being.
I may not be taking the silver working class I had considered but I have completed over 20 hours a week of spiritual study. I may not be attending yoga class weekly but I am on my mat weekly and I am in nature daily.
What is important about this? It reflects what is termed The Middle Way in Buddhism, and is similar to surrender or abiding in Tantra.
“Abiding means letting everything be as it already is – no matter what it is. If you’re feeling good, let that be as it is. If you’re feeling bad, let that be at it is. No matter what your emotional, physical, or mental state, let it be as it is and don’t wish it to be otherwise. If you want it to be different from what it is, you’re not abiding; you’re picking and choosing and trying to control your experience.” ~Adyashanti
My doing had been a way of controlling my experience. What was I going to do next? I could orient to a menu of options, anticipate an experience, and hold that experience tightly. I could get angry if you took it away or disappointed me by not complying with how it should be. Bloody hell…as an expletive and a descriptor of that time.
So now, it is this:
Let come what comes, let go what goes. See what remains.