Falling into the Wind

There is an indoor skydiving center that I went to in Las Vegas. It uses a jet propeller to approximate free fall. You get on the net in a suit built like a flying squirrel, the jets turn up and you float.

To stay in the stream requires surrender. You must give yourself over to the experience. 


Life requires that same surrender.  If I get against what is, I suffer. If I fight against what was,  I suffer. When I surrendered,  like falling into the Wind…I found spacious happiness.

How many years did I spend in a battle with what is only to be followed by a battle with what was? How incredible is the grace that has shown me this and moved me to surrender?

This isn’t about giving up or glossing over what is. When you fight what is, you narrow your options. When you surrender to what is, you are open to all possibilities. You can respond from a wise and loving place.

Every moment led to this moment. Every moment is part of the Divine flow. Every moment leads to awareness and awakening.

Falling into the Wind…now…and now…and now.


When I Say I Miss you, What I Mean is…

Via Andy Charrington on Feb 7, 2015

When I say I miss you, what I mean is that everything reminds me of you.

Wood. Tea. Cars. Water. Dogs. Books. Spoons. Cushions. Socks. Rain. Toast. Wind chimes. Children. Everything has a connection to you. The way you would feel about this, how you would look in that, what you would say to them, when we bought that, when we made this. You are everywhere. As if my mind was not consumed enough by you, your essence is everywhere outside of me too.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I wonder.

I wonder what moments would have been like had you been here. If we had been our best. With space to love each other. How we would have shared a knowing smile in front of strangers. Or perhaps a kiss and then a look, want in both eyes, promises on our lips. A giggle or a belly laugh. I wonder how you would affect my world if you were in it again.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I talk to you—often.

The space between my eyes and the wall becomes filled with you. I talk as I wish I had, as I plan to do again. I fight with you too. I always win in the space between my eyes and the wall. But then we always make up. And make up. And make up.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I imagine you.

I imagine what you’re doing and try to work out where you’ll be. Perhaps you went out tonight. Perhaps you met friends. Did you talk about me? Did you miss me? Or maybe you stayed in. I try to think of you in your best self. Happy, content, loving. And I hope you are all those things. I see your eyes. And they smile at me. Your hands brush mine. Our lips quiver as our jaws reach for the other. I imagine you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I stare.

I catch myself after a minute or two and am never quite sure what I was thinking about. But I know it was you. Maybe it wasn’t even a thought. Just a feeling. The ideal. Just swaying with your rythym.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I cry.

Most often I don’t. I don’t let myself. And then every now again, it crashes through and over my defences. A song. A comment from a child. And I’m a messy ball of regret and need. But then I feel better. As though I’ve honoured a part of myself. And a part of you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I think.

Like, really think. I think about the ways in which I need to change. They are a constant in my mind. Inescapable and important. Long, long thinkings distracted by yoga and candles and writing and children and dancing and laughing. And I’m grateful to you. For without your presence, I would never have seen what my own bullshit could cost me if I don’t fight it and ultimately grow up.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I look forward.

I look forward to our first meeting. Our first touch. Our first kiss. Our first night. Silly, I know, and full of expectation but I do it anyway. And boy are you wonderful! And boy so am I! I look forward to your eyes seeing mine and seeing clarity again. Clear, easy love with none of the torturous thoughts that once barraged my mind. I look forward to me not caring about the negative, harmful things I have cared so much about. And I look forward to being able to love you, just as you are, with all of me. No hiding, no denying, no judgement, no fear. I look forward to us.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I remember.

I remember moments that I had since filed away as mundane or unimportant. Like cooking courgettes with paprika, or laughing about the dirty towels we would dig out for early morning yoga. Like your shoes, that I never really liked, flung across the floor, or times we caved in and went for drive through fast food. I remember all the things I had forgotten to make it easier to blame you.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I regret.

I regret like poison running through my veins. Regret that we both carried attachments we should have shed before meeting, regret for the way I looked at you and what and who I saw. Regret for the way you didn’t see me. I regret the inability to shed the thoughts I had. The distance they created and how blind they made me.

I regret time wasted and unappreciated. I regret not being able to see that moments were being passed to me, not shared with me. And that the past did not matter. That, I regret most of all.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I resolve.

I resolve to change my life. From the inside out. Heart forward. I resolve to find me and love me. To know that I am good enough, that I have not lost out, that I am wonderful and that the integrity and honour and magic I so desperately seek has been within me all along. I resolve to fix the broken parts and accept the ugly parts. I resolve to discover what holds me back and love it until it holds me back no more. I resolve to meet you again and be happy, with a clear mind, loving eyes and open heart. I resolve to be me again.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, that all these words do very little to justify or give credence to the small, quiet feeling inside of me. The feeling that radiates a longing and a knowing. A longing for happiness and a knowing of its possibility. A longing for you and a knowing of the deepest feelings I have for you.

A longing for our future and a knowing that we can have it. All of it.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, I’ve lit a candle, am listening to beautiful music and am pouring my love for you through the ether.

When I say I miss you, what I mean is, can you feel it?

When I say I miss you, what I mean is…

The Peace of Wild Things

The Peace of Wild Things


When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.


How Psychology Supports Tantra and Other Traditions

“But that’s not really me.  I only did that because…” and you try to explain why you did what you did. You say it’s because of something in the circumstances of the situation that made you behave as you did.

In psychology, we call this the Fundamental Attribution Error.  This core psychological concept says that when we are trying to explain behaviour, we say other people did something because it is true of their personality or who they are.  When we try to explain our own behaviour, we say it is because of circumstances, or the situation we were in.

In Tantra, or Law of Attraction, or by Abraham Hicks, or by Wayne Dyer,  or a large number of spiritual traditions, there is a belief of non-duality.  We are told that there is no personal “I”.  We are told that every moment, we are a different person than we were a moment ago.  We are told that every interaction we have is co-created.  So, that would mean that if you are warm a loving to one person, and hostile to another, this is the result of your beliefs and those of the other person interacting and creating what you ultimately do.  This is supported by ideas like our inability to cause a thought.  You cannot cause a thought.  They flow, and the part of you that is soul notices them.  Ego may make attributions to them, or judge the thoughts.  But we are unable to actually cause much to occur. And so Tantra tells us to accept what is and not create a separation in our experience of reality.

How does that intersect with the Fundamental Attribution Error (FAE)? What if is demonstrating what Tantra tells us? What if that is the result of the interplay between the inner consciousness observing what is (from within us), and the egoic consciousness trying to explain (backwards) why something happened? When we behave in response to circumstances, and say it is not really true of who we are, could that be evidence of a Conscious Awareness that knows it is flowing, changing, shifting and being lived (as opposed to controlling)? Could we use FAE to show that reality is just the result of our own projections?

Psychology means “study of the soul” in Latin.  When we moved into an experimental method paradigm, we focused on behaviour and less on the soul.  Wouldn’t it be interesting if what we did in psychology actually ended up telling us about the soul?


Connection and Consciousness: Why We Love Paint Nite

You have heard of Paint Nite. It is a two hour painting party. You pick a night, location and painting, buy your tickets and show up. You paint with 40 other people, eat, drink, laugh and leave with your own painting.


Most events are sold out a month in advance. “The Louisiana-based company, which offers lessons as well as private painting parties, had 126 franchises nationwide as of last year — more than double its total in 2011, officials said. And Paint Nite, which started with one event at a Boston bar in March 2012, has grown in two years to 55,000 people attending 1,100 events per month in the U.S. and Canada, co-founder Sean McGrail said.” –Huffington Post   The company is valued at $39 million. Clearly something works.

It is a Blue Ocean situation. It appeals to women’s desire for creating and crafting.  It is social and relaxed. Women of all ages are attracted to it. There is no pressure, no ongoing set of classes, no investment.

What draws is to this? What part of is is tapped in by Paint Nite?

I think it has hit the longing we have for Something More. Paint Nite is not a loud, laughter filled social event. At times, the room is as silent as a church as we focus on our canvas. And like a church, we achieve a sort of unity with the others in the room. As individuals, we are in the Now, and we have hit that flow of consciousness. 

“Creativity occurs in the moment, and in the moment we are timeless.” – Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

As a society, we are resonating more and more often with things that elevate our wellbeing and consciousness.  Yoga is a $27 billion dollar industry. Spas are a $60 billion dollar industry. Wellness tourism (vacations to retreats in foreign countries) is a $494 billion dollar industry.

The thing we are seeking in spas and Yoga has unwittingly been tapped into with Paint Nite: connection and consciousness. 

“The heart of creativity is an experience of the mystical union; the heart of the mystical union is an experience of creativity.” – Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity

It’s addictive, that feeling of union and being in the Now.  It’s not much different than how I feel at my meditation altar or on my yoga mat. And it is alot cheaper than a massage or a trip to Thailand.

Listening to the Calling


The sick body is the voice of the fearful mind. – Byron Katie

It has been two years since my two week retreat to Brazil to see John of God. It was a very personal experience and I didn’t share alot of it with people.

I have been invited a few times to make a return journey. I have declined because the Calling wasn’t there.

I was driving to work, listening to my meditation CD, when my awareness and energy returned to the Casa in Abadiânia, Brazil. I have completed the work I started there. And it is time to go deeper.

I have listened to many people who have been to the Casa describe remarkably similar experiences to my own. There are some commonalities that occur for all of us. This is not a stereotypical faith healing. There are no promises made and not fulfilled. There is no negation of medical practice.  There is simply healing.

Healing means releasing or removing all that does not align with divine nature. Some people may go to see John of God expecting a cure similar to when one takes medicine for a headache or when your appendix is removed. That is not what healing is.

One of the women in our group died a few months after returning. While her body was not cured, she spoke about how the pilgrimage has prepared her for a peaceful and fearless death. For those of us who shared that with her, it was impossible to deny the perfection of her experience.

For me, I was ready to release my entire life. I moved through a transition in my life where everything changed. My relationships ended. My job ended. My codependency ended. My anxiety attacks ended. My financial lack ended. My fear ended.

Did it all dissolve instantly?  No, it has taken two years to fully integrate my work from that trip. My body is stronger and healthier than ever.  I have more fulfillment than any time in my life.  I am a full expression of self.

And now I feel called back – to what and why is unclear.  Last time I was ready to die to my whole life.  Right now,  this wasn’t my plan. (I am waiting to hear if i have been accepted by a much desired teacher.) I am doing other things!

So I will stop and seek  what is whispering to me in my longing. Whatever the Calling is, I am listening.

Ageless Living: Why Botox Ain’t It


Aging is optional. 

Have you noticed that our stereotypes about “old” have been challenged in the last twenty years? People who are 50 look and act like 35 year olds. 70 year olds are running marathons. And there is always Betty White...

My favorite spa started to offer Botox. I find myself out of alignment with that and don’t want to walk back in. I know no one is making me take Botox.  But I think being around the Consciousness of Botox ages a person.

“Age is just a number, and agelessness means not buying into the idea that a number determines everything from your state of health to your attractiveness to your value.” –Christiane Northrup

In the west, we live in a society that messages the importance of women remaining young and sexually desirable to all men of all ages all the time. This sexist patriarchal attitude is a dangerous illusion for men and women if you are drawn to go beyond ego. The first level illusion we dissolve on the spiritual path is the belief that we are this body. If you identify with the body, you may also accept the false messages that go with that – health is everything,  young is beautiful, thin is healthy, self-improvement is a sign of growth and wisdom….and so on.

“Ageless living is courageous living. It means being undistracted by the petty dramas of life because you have enough experience to know what’s not worth worrying about and what ought to be your priorities.” -Christiane Northrup

So why is Botox a threat to ageless living?  I think of it like this: what does it feel like to use the senior’s discount at stores? Does it reinforce your vitality?  Your prosperity? Or does it mask you with an image of decreasing financial resources, powerlessness, and fragility? 

When you chose Botox, or other injectables,  you are saying there is something wrong with the natural process of aging. It is a rejection of self.

“Your beliefs and thoughts are wired into your biology. They become your cells, tissues, and organs. There’s no supplement, no diet, no medicine, and no exercise regimen that can compare with the power of your thoughts and beliefs. That’s the very first place you need to look when anything goes wrong with your body.” -Christiane Northrup

There is a practice called Face Reading that suggests that your emotional patterns show up in the structure of your face and in your body. If your face is not reflecting your vitality, go into nature. Sit under the sky. Connect with your divine self.

When you get Botox,  you build an internal message about you, your vitality and your value that places all the power outside of yourself. It is about fighting aging instead of living agelessly and from your vitality.

“You can glow with vitality if you see yourself as an expression of the Divine and a being through which the Divine Beloved operates.” -Christiane Northrup

So skip the Botox and connect with your vitality. It takes longer, but it lasts a lifetime.