As you are – nayyirah waheed

 ‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘after…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘before…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘when…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘how…’ you answer.
‘as you are.’ says the universe.
‘why…’ you answer.
‘because you are happening now. and your happening
is 
beautiful.
the thing that both keeps me alive and brings me to my knees. 
you don’t even know how exquisite you are.
as you are.’ 
says the universe through tears. 

as you are | you are the prayer, nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed)

Vibrating with Love

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A year or two ago, I called my spiritual partner, sobbing with heart break. My former partner had begun a relationship and came to tell me face to face (cue the Adelle song “Someone Like You” for dramatic effect). My spiritual partner listened as I verbally ranted between the sobs. What was I feeling and why?

My sobs were not over the lost relationship. In fact, as he spoke i could feel that this new relationship was irrelevant. But he commented on how he had attracted love and that I could do the same. In that moment, I internalized a fundamental error we make around the Law of Attraction – I believed something was wrong with me, that I was not vibrating with Love and would never have love. I called myself emotionally unavailable.

My spiritual partner patiently listened as I became more clear about my fear and what I believed underneath it. “Well, you know none of that can be true or you and I could not be able to connect.” That was enough to remind me to look at the whole of my experience in that moment.

“What you want is to be in vibrational alignment with who you really are. And who you really are is love. The SomeOnes are just excuses you use for alignment. They are also excuses you use for non-alignment. ” -Abraham Hicks

The most obvious example of this truth came to me by accident. I attributed meaning to my past relationship (he was The One, we had spiritual connection, soul mates, karma, etc). All this meaning sustained suffering and wove a story like Meant To Be (Meant To Be suggests that the suffering is part of the epic journey towards some grand romantic ending – and this is illusion as well as enormously limiting). I learned from a mutual friend that he and I attended the same event shortly after and never ran in to each other. This was odd since I was there with one of the hosts and had been circulating in the main lobby. You could not enter without seeing me. In the past, he and I always showed up at the same place at the same time. But as vibrations change, so do the instances of co-incidence. We very much were no longer in a vibration that would draw us together.

Since then, I have moved into my deepest longing. I have healed into deeper expressions of love and awareness. My Oneness is no longer about Other. The beauty of life is present with me and in me.

I want to share a post by Matt Licata that says it all, more poetically than I could. May this truth support your freedom.

“It is so natural to focus on what love will give you. But it has nothing to give you. Only everything to take away. As you travel the path of the heart, you can count on the dream of a love coming in the future to be ground away, moment by moment by moment. There is no love coming tomorrow, for love is only now. And you cannot ‘get’ more love, for love is what you are.

At some point along the journey, the reference points fall away, and are replaced with… nothing. Only your open heart, your ripening body, and a burning for resolution remain. But there is no resolution, for love is outrageously creative, and will dissolve all form in order to reveal what you are, and to offer a womb in which new forms may emerge.

While never easy, remember that one of the primary gifts of the beloved is that of reorganization, of seeding deflation in the field of separation. This deflation is not a mistake or an error to be corrected, but is a purifying expression of pure, untamed, uncontrolled blessing. But you cannot expect the mind to understand and to not struggle against the groundlessness. You can just let the mind do what the mind does; no need to enter an imaginary spiritual war with it. Or take any relationship with it, for that matter.

Everything you thought you knew about who you were, where you were headed – the way it was ‘supposed’ to work out – about relationships, ‘healing,’ ‘awakening,’ your ‘life’s purpose’… watch as love comes spinning out of the unseen as a sacred thief, leaving you naked, on the earth and in the gooey mud. You are home. Raw with the realization that nothing was ever missing after all.

Look up into the autumn sky. Lay your hands on your heart and attune to what is unfolding. There are purples coming into existence that have never before made their way into this dimension. There are browns, reds, yellows, and pinks that are being sent to remind you of one of the unique fragrances of love. Each a shattering portal into just how open, unprecedented, and creative it truly is here.

Stay right here. Don’t move from this moment. Everything that has ever happened – and everyone you have ever met – has led up to right here, and right now.

While it may appear to be another ordinary Monday in an ordinary star, look again. While it is easy to take for granted this human body of love, please look again.”- Matt Licata

So it is for me. May it be so in your awakening.

Choose a Love that’s Whole

Choose a Love that’s Whole.
By Sarah Kolkka

A love that’s already full, without holes that need stop-gapping or fallen out pieces that need to be jammed up by bits of ourselves.

Choose a love that makes no demands—that we change, that we don’t change, that we meet impossible human standards; demands for more of ourselves than we’re able to (or ever should) give.

Choose a love that allows us to put ourselves first and it second. That gives us space to be individuals within a partnership and continue to explore those pieces of our lives that bring us the greatest joy—even when it doesn’t involve that love.

Choose a love that’s based on wanting not needing. Where each person does what they can to meet their own needs without any expectation that we will take over now that we’re on the scene, but who wants us around all the same because life is somehow better together than it ever could be apart.

Choose a love that knows sometimes love doesn’t come easy. Sometimes it needs to be worked for and nurtured so that it can be re-sewn for many years to come. Sometimes expectations do creep in unwittingly and they need to be shaken off before they take hold. The right kind of love will know that hard conversations must be had and will have them (no matter how uncomfortable they may be) because protecting love is more important than protecting individual fears.

Choose a love that shows up, day after day, night after night, week after week—a love whose presence is apparent in every moment, even those tough ones.

Choose a blameless love. A love that recognises that within each partnership lies two perspectives and, more often than not, neither one is right or wrong.  A love that respects our life choices, the differences that lie in individual paths and doesn’t belittle or bemoan decisions we made before this love entered our world.

Choose a love that is complete—complete before we came along, complete with us, and a love that will remain so even if our paths divert apart down the road.

Choose a love that recognizes I am Me and You are You and together one plus one equals two. Not one.Never one.

Choose a whole love that understands how together, we are so much more than one could ever be.

Thank you for Loving Me Imperfectly

My love,

There is only gratitude when I think of how imperfectly we loved.

Thank you for loving me. I am grateful we lacked the skills and wisdom for a lasting and healed relationship. 

Thank you for living your egoic consciousness with me. Through it, I saw a perfect reflection of my own egoic patterns.

Thank you for the moments of wisdom, compassion and kindness. Through those, I also saw my true self.

Thank you for ending, transforming. If we had continued, I might not have broken open. I might have continued to believe my thoughts. I might have strived to live as though I had control in this Life.

Thank you for Loving Me so Imperfectly.  Through releasing that attachment, I have touched my soul’s desire, my deepest longing.

If we had continued,  I would not be this Me. I am so deeply in love with who I Am. So complete, enlivened, awake and aware.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Story junkie: Keeping the ego fed

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I am a junkie of psychic phenomenon.  I used to go for card readings every year. I check in on Vedic astrology every month. Recently I really connected with life path numerology.

What hooks me is it gives meaning to thoughts and experiences that cause me to suffer. What am I supposed to be doing? How will my business perform? Why do certain patterns show up in my relationships? Why am I having this particular dream over and over?  Honestly, I could as easily ask my psychologist the same questions and find a more meaningful answer!

The problem is that assigning meaning to our thoughts and experiences is just trading in one set of beliefs for a new set that might make me feel better.  Fundamentally,  it is the need of the ego to create meaning and a story that creates suffering.

“A thought isn’t a true thing. It only exists in the mind.

By changing our minds over and over,  going from one belief to another, we believe that we will eventually find freedom. But every human life is an example that we don’t find freedom through thought.  We don’t find freedom through opinions. Freedom is a matter of consciousness, not of thought. Happiness is a matter of consciousness, not of thought. Consciousness is something that links us to our deepest and truest nature, to the deepest calling of our heart – not just the deepest calling of our mind.” -Adyashanti

For a moment, what I read in numerology made me feel good. Until it didn’t.  A story requires more fuel to keep it going.

For example, my life number is 11 and my daughter’s is 22. These are both master numbers with significant life paths. So clearly it is a soul agreement. Clearly her father, a life path 5 which is highly incompatible with my numbers, was a relationship completely destined to bring my daughter into my life. And 5 years ago, a psychic said he had been a wandering monk in my past lives who used to share spiritual discoveries with me. Or he had been my father in lives so felt drawn to support me. And so on.

The stories give me momentary relief because all my suffering now makes sense by having a story to wrap it in. But then the suffering returns in time. Maybe the story doesn’t explain everything.  Maybe it takes too much energy to believe the story. Or maybe some part of me is awake enough to doubt the story.

Who am I when I let go of the story? I am happy. I am free. I am more closely connected to truth, reality, life and love.