Story junkie: Keeping the ego fed

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I am a junkie of psychic phenomenon.  I used to go for card readings every year. I check in on Vedic astrology every month. Recently I really connected with life path numerology.

What hooks me is it gives meaning to thoughts and experiences that cause me to suffer. What am I supposed to be doing? How will my business perform? Why do certain patterns show up in my relationships? Why am I having this particular dream over and over?  Honestly, I could as easily ask my psychologist the same questions and find a more meaningful answer!

The problem is that assigning meaning to our thoughts and experiences is just trading in one set of beliefs for a new set that might make me feel better.  Fundamentally,  it is the need of the ego to create meaning and a story that creates suffering.

“A thought isn’t a true thing. It only exists in the mind.

By changing our minds over and over,  going from one belief to another, we believe that we will eventually find freedom. But every human life is an example that we don’t find freedom through thought.  We don’t find freedom through opinions. Freedom is a matter of consciousness, not of thought. Happiness is a matter of consciousness, not of thought. Consciousness is something that links us to our deepest and truest nature, to the deepest calling of our heart – not just the deepest calling of our mind.” -Adyashanti

For a moment, what I read in numerology made me feel good. Until it didn’t.  A story requires more fuel to keep it going.

For example, my life number is 11 and my daughter’s is 22. These are both master numbers with significant life paths. So clearly it is a soul agreement. Clearly her father, a life path 5 which is highly incompatible with my numbers, was a relationship completely destined to bring my daughter into my life. And 5 years ago, a psychic said he had been a wandering monk in my past lives who used to share spiritual discoveries with me. Or he had been my father in lives so felt drawn to support me. And so on.

The stories give me momentary relief because all my suffering now makes sense by having a story to wrap it in. But then the suffering returns in time. Maybe the story doesn’t explain everything.  Maybe it takes too much energy to believe the story. Or maybe some part of me is awake enough to doubt the story.

Who am I when I let go of the story? I am happy. I am free. I am more closely connected to truth, reality, life and love.

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One thought on “Story junkie: Keeping the ego fed

  1. Grandtrines says:

    Reblogged this on Lost Dudeist Astrology.

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