I groaned inwardly. “Ugh – this is really bad,” I thought as I read my poetry journals about 8 years ago. Like many young adults, I wrote poetry as a means of purging my angst. Or maybe as a passive aggressive expression of my victimhood. Same, same…
What stood out at the time was how little had changed. I still felt the victim angst even though my life circumstances were completely different and it was many years later.
With some pleasure, I noticed the opposite when I re-read them now. Sure, I can imagine myself sprawled on the bed writing them. But in all other ways, I don’t connect with the feelings in the writing.
This week, I suffered a setback. I was badly triggered and had anxiety attacks. They have been manageable but I felt some sense of failure. I had not had anxiety for a year and believed the story that I had overcome it with my spiritual superpowers.
In May, my spiritual partner and I went to see Wayne Dyer. I confess that while he had been a significant teacher of mine a decade ago, I had moved away from his work. So I was unprepared for the gift of being in his presence, the love that encircled us all and the connectedness that came to my awareness while we were there.
When I told my spiritual partner about my slippage into anxiety, she reminded me of something Wayne Dyer talks about and that she herself sees as truth. We all have heard the idea that lessons repeat themselves in life until you learn them. But she reminded me that we also spiral up, that a lesson can come back even after you have done the work, not because you have failed but to build on it to go to the next level. Sort of like powering up to the next level in a video game.
How could I forget that if I set an intention, what follows MUST be in support of that intention? I have dedicated my life to Truth, to serving from that Truth. I personalized my anxiety as something about ME, instead of seeing it as part of the pattern of Truth being revealed.
I am not fighting where I am at. This is what is. It is neither good nor bad. I suffer when I wish this wasn’t what was. But when I embrace it as part of the Spiral, it turns into this beautiful gift. I don’t miraculously pick up my bed and walk (Bible reference – sorry if it doesn’t resonate), but I do relax, stop grasping at what should be, and let go.