As a practicing Tantrika, one of my blessings is to belong to kula. Kula is a spiritual community of Tantrik yogis. It is family, it is self-contained and it is about absolute connectedness.
My kula partner and I have worked together for a year now. It is one of the safest relationships I have. He is able to relate to how I experience life, particularly the aspects of consciousness and spiritual philosophy. In most respects, we are quite different personalities but that adds to our practice. It is not a romantic practice nor is it sexual. It is very intimate, especially energetically, however.
This week I have felt restlessness, fueled by the full moon, the coming eclipse, and other planetary movements. When I sink into my practice, the restlessness is worse, not better. Some of what is surfacing is a desire for belongingness. My kula mate has felt that too.
It is ironic to be in a practice of connectedness and union, and to share in the feeling of not currently belonging. This is not new to me. I have spent most of my life not feeling a sense of belongingness, and those moments in which I did became an energy that I grasped at, and grasped for.
Today, Matt Licata shared words to which I am returning to ride my way through this wave of shifting energy:
“Something happens and you get triggered. Someone says something or ignores you, or doesn’t show up in the way you want and need. You quickly become convinced that no one will ever see you as you are. Others are not on your side and the world is unsafe. And there is only one explanation at the root of it all: you are unworthy of such contact and something is fundamentally wrong with you.
In these moments, you are totally hooked. Your emotional world is on fire and you’re falling apart. You are shaming, blaming, and raging in all directions. The old voices remind you of how wretched you truly are. The energy is hot and surging through your heart. There is a panicky nauseous feeling in your stomach. Your throat is starting to constrict. You are about to collapse. Here we go again.
But wait. Breathe deeply from your lower belly. Touch the earth. Feel your heart beating. Return to your body and the aliveness of the here and now. See if it really is as urgent as it seems, that you need to disembody and find relief.
Give yourself the gift of sacred pause. This is no ordinary moment. The harbingers of integration have appeared. While you may never have much control over what thoughts, feelings, or emotions arrive in a moment of activation, you have a choice as to how you will respond. This choice is the threshold of a new world.
Depending on your early strategies for meeting overwhelm and dysregulation, you flow into motion. While these responses are wired in to your neural net, they are open, plastic, translucent, and awaiting reconfiguration.
No matter what is happening in the inner and outer landscape, you can start right now – you can lay down a new pathway. Slowly, over time, you can replace the aggression with kindness. You can replace the abandonment with holding. You can replace the rejection with curiosity and fiery compassion. You can develop a new relationship with your feelings, your emotions, and with the beliefs which have become the lenses through which you have come to see your life.
While the old narratives and emotional strategies emerged as the best ways you knew to care for yourself and to somehow make sense of empathic failure and a misattuned holding environment, you are the artist of a new world. Your canvas is the entirety of your embodied vulnerability, the tenderness of your heart, and the brilliance of your creative psyche. You can rewrite the story, rewire your nervous system, and find new meaning. No, this is not easy, and will take everything you have… and more. But it is already written inside you.
While it may seem hopeless at times, you have capacities that you did not have as a little one when the original pathways were formed. Call on the seen and unseen worlds to assist you. Open to the holding and the wisdom of the mountains, the oceans, the stars, and the blue rose inside you.
You are surrounded now by the heartbeat of the earth. Feel the new pathway emerging. Allow the new template to come online now. The template of love.” – Matt Licata