The Fastest Way to The Heart Is Through the Belly

Chicken Kiev, homemade mushroom risotto and tabouli salad. Organic mushrooms and thyme baked in filo dough. Spring greens, watermelon, feta and cashew nuts tossed in lime, ginger and sesame oil. Arugula tossed in lime juice served with a poached egg and prosciutto.

Not the menu from a restaurant – my meals this week, all homemade. 

I have always loved good food and I really enjoy cooking excellent food. I had a long standing belief that I had to cook for someone else to invest in cooking amazing meals. So if I was alone, I ordered in garbage or I ate popcorn.   The clear message was that I was not worth the investment. 

Flash backwards about 3 years ago as I prepared to go to John of God in Brazil: I have to set an intention so I chose loving myself. I have no idea what that feels like. 

Shortly after, my whole life came into alignment around loving myself. Many of the relationships I was in all dissolved away (romantic and friendships), leaving only my deepest friendships. My career changed. My health changed. My home and garden changed. My spiritual process deepened exponentially.

When I was growing up, my grandmother used to say that the fastest way to a man’s heart was through his stomach – meaning men loved good cooks. For me, one outer proof of my love for me is the food I am eating. My meals are a celebration of my creativity and my recognition of what I deserve – true nourishment.

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An Open Letter To My Friends

Dear Friend,

I want to say both thank you and I am sorry. 

Many of you have not seen me for a while. This year, it may be 6 months. For others, it may be years now. I may stay in touch by text or Facebook. But we don’t visit like we used to do. 

I don’t host dinners or (as many) parties. I cancel our plans alot…alot. i know this and I am sorry. 

Once, I used to try to do everything and be everything. I hid my issues under layers of making things look effortless. I did everything I was asked to and attended everything I was invited to do. 

But it was slowly killing me. It was feeding my Fear of Missing Out. It was leaving no room for me. I indulged in that because I did not want room for me. If I took a look, I would see how incredibly unhappy I was. 

As my friend, you probably saw that. You probably knew things had to change. 

They have changed. I spend as much time alone as I can. It’s not because I don’t want to be with you. It’s because I have not been with me for about 30 years and I have some catching up to do. 

True, circumstances have also come into it. Changing jobs takes some adapting. My child being incredibly ill since October has been a huge part of my need to retreat. 

I also know that throughout our friendship, I have disappointed you. At times, I did not treat you as if you mattered. I am sorry. You do matter to me. 

I have had to find new boundaries because I have had a history of putting others before me. I have needed this space to find what I am committed to, and what I should say no to. 

So, my friend, I thank you for being my friend and showing up the way you do. I see that, I feel that, and I am grateful. 

Better Than You

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Deep down, I believe I am better than you.

Please don’t get angry – I am not proud of this. Until recently, I was not even conscious of it as a belief I hold.

Lately, I have been irritated by people who are part of the spiritual/new age/consciousness community who show up in my life as pseudo-holy seekers on an amazing quest to prove that life is one big Joy Orgasm. What I see, or what gets triggered for me by this is that it is their ego continuing to try to replace itself with a much more desirable and illusory image than it had before.

But of course, then I have to ask what is alive in me that is rubbed by all this. The answer is because I believe I am better than them for not being that way. Honestly, what is wrong with people just being who they are on their journey? Nothing, except I have a belief that when they interact with me, they should see that their illusion is just an illusion and be in awe of where I am at on my path. Trust me, I am cringing as I write this.

Yes, I see that as my own ego illusion. Yes, I hear the judgement in it.

And after a lot of sitting with it, I have decided I am ok. The ego is all about desire and repulsion. We either put energy into wanting something, or not wanting something. My ego does not want this belief to be true – it damages my self illusion. And thank goodness for that! Who wants a self illusion anyway? One teacher said that disbelieving something undesirable in you is not holy, it is more ego.

Instead, I am not putting energy into this belief. I recognize it has surfaced. I recognise it as untrue. And now I let it go. It might pop up again, and I will look at it, then let it go. As many times as I need to do so. I simply won’t identify with this belief, or any of my beliefs.

That won’t make me a better person. Hopefully, it will be one more aspect of self that I not longer hold on to. It is a tremendous movement back to my still point, to conscious awareness. And maybe it is one step towards Oneness with you.

The Waves of Healing

“When anxious, uneasy and bad thoughts come, I go to the sea, and the sea drowns them out with its great wide sounds, cleanses me with its noise, and imposes a rhythm upon everything in me that is bewildered and confused.”

– Rainer Maria Rilke

I am an Air Sign, and an earth goddess at heart. I walk barefoot as much as possible. I need the earth to balance my Air element as I tend to live in thought. 

I spent this past week with the Pacific Ocean. I have been to the ocean a few times before, but this time I was in constant contact with Her. I played in Her, listened to Her, and healed with Her. The ocean stirred my heart. It layed  waste to what I brought to it and carried it all away. I brought myself, I lost myself. 

“For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)
it’s always ourselves we find in the sea.”
– e.e. cummings