I sat in the dark, shaking with rage after my child fell asleep. He had done this. He made her fearful and sad. A fierceness rose in me like a volcano. I would make him suffer. I would make him feel her fear of having her choices taken away.
I paced as if my home were a cage, as if I could launch into violence at a moment’s notice. I cried and screamed silently.
There is no anger or conflict like one that threatens your fundamental value system. This is your core. It is the wellspring of how you behave and what you believe.
It is the root of all seperateness. It is the root of war.
Will you declare war or will you be peace? Byron Katie. Adyashanti. Nasargadata. Every teaching I turned to that night pointed back at me.
Peace and nonviolence don’t mean giving in or caving your boundaries. Boundaries define where you can meet another, not what lines you have to defend.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
“What we are doing with inquiry is meeting our thoughts with some simple understanding, finally. Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings. ” – Byron Katie
What do I believe? What is so deep that I would wage a war that elevated my blood pressure to near threatening levels?
“We don’t attach to people or to things; we attach to uninvestigated concepts that we believe to tbe true in the moment.” – Byron Katie
It’s not him I am fighting. I believe I can fight Life. I believe I am a warrior woman, who will wax victorious. I believe I can fight death. I believe I must never surrender.
Self righteousness swells up. He should worship how good I am as a mother! He should appreciate that I have kept his secrets, supported his career, tried to be his friend! The anger is deep.
“I often say that if I had a prayer, it would be this: God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.” -Byron Katie
Then I am exhausted. I can’t hold on to the anger, I can’t keep it alive. I sit in front of my altar, and give it all to Kali. Take this and more, I pray. I surrender.
“And when all the struggle ceases, we realize that the prison of our mind cannot hold us in anymore, because the prison was all along something we imagined into existence. And imagined things aren’t real, they don’t exist.But we could never really see this as long as we were fighting the phantoms of our minds. We needed the one thing that our imaginary minds could not bring about, could not fake or create: the genuine surrender of all struggle.” – Adyashanti