When the Going Gets Rough

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called everybody, and they meet at the bar. ”   Drew Carey

Generally, I love what I do. I specialize in improving organizational performance and I teach systems approaches to business problems.  Cool, right?

A few years ago, I left a role because the business I was working with were making decisions that I didn’t agree with, and I could not implement these decisions without hurting every time I acted against my values as a leader.

For a year and a half, I have been engaged and satisfied in my new role. But not now. I am being asked to implement decisions that I struggle with again. My engagement has dropped. I feel anxiety and I am getting sick.

But, I recognize that when a pattern like this shows up, it is about what I can learn. It is a pointer towards my spiritual awakening. 

Since the last time I faced this, I have learned that circumstances do not control my experience.  That knowledge alone, however,  was not enough to move past this.

Today, I had an event remind me of an essential truth: when I look at a situation with an expectation of how it should be, I have limited my availability to life to only one option – whatever expectation or belief I have. It means I cannot be available to what is. And it means I will be unhappy. In the Tantrik tradition, it means I am confused by illusion.

When I let go of my belief about how something should be different than it is, I can breathe. I can let go. I can be open. I can be with Truth. 

So now,  let’s be with what is.

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Soul Connection vs Ego Indulgence

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“We’ve had the experience of immediately meeting each other at a very deep level despite having parted ways and not seen each other in many years. That’s because our original connection was not merely at the level of the personality. It was at the level of the soul. And I believe that once you have truly met another that deeply, it’s a connection that lasts for eternity.” – Andrew Cohen

I am a person who goes deep, whether its in understanding myself or talking to another. Most people comment on it – while I enjoy experiences like going to movies or dinner or canoeing, what I value most is connection, consciousness and co-creation. I am always aiming to be in deep connection with my awake awareness. So when I spend time with people, I look to connect with that essence in them as well. For some, it is disconcerting. For others, it is the draw to me.

But when it came to romantic relationships, I somehow believed that revealing your full ego was intimacy. It is only in romantic relationships that I demonstrate some of the truly ugly things about my personality.

How convoluted is that! Ego is the depths of our conditioning. It is the unconscious self, acting neither from love or awake presence. And that “intimacy” was the gift I offered my lover?

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe

This quotation is one of many out there that I believe promotes egoic relationship, not true love or soul connection. We long for depth but design relationship as a place to reinforce ego.

“Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.” -Unknown

Spiritual connection recognizes that you are responsible for your own journey of awakening. In that space, I will witness your inner process as you share it and I will hold the awareness of detaching from holding these things. But I will not indulge your ego. Or my own.

“Soul connections are eternal. Every other relationship we have, no matter how sweet, kind, intimate or apparently meaningful, will in the end be revealed to be only temporary. And this truth can be hard to bear, especially when we experience this in relationship to people we have felt very, very close to. It’s only when we meet another in the mutual recognition of life’s ultimate mystery, that liberating metaphysical truth which transcends anything and everything relative, that we experience a connection that is forever.” – Andrew Cohen

Romantic partnership is lovely. Now, at the time in my incarnation, it is soul connection that is my longing. I am grateful to see my kula extend all around the world now.