Better Than You

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Deep down, I believe I am better than you.

Please don’t get angry – I am not proud of this. Until recently, I was not even conscious of it as a belief I hold.

Lately, I have been irritated by people who are part of the spiritual/new age/consciousness community who show up in my life as pseudo-holy seekers on an amazing quest to prove that life is one big Joy Orgasm. What I see, or what gets triggered for me by this is that it is their ego continuing to try to replace itself with a much more desirable and illusory image than it had before.

But of course, then I have to ask what is alive in me that is rubbed by all this. The answer is because I believe I am better than them for not being that way. Honestly, what is wrong with people just being who they are on their journey? Nothing, except I have a belief that when they interact with me, they should see that their illusion is just an illusion and be in awe of where I am at on my path. Trust me, I am cringing as I write this.

Yes, I see that as my own ego illusion. Yes, I hear the judgement in it.

And after a lot of sitting with it, I have decided I am ok. The ego is all about desire and repulsion. We either put energy into wanting something, or not wanting something. My ego does not want this belief to be true – it damages my self illusion. And thank goodness for that! Who wants a self illusion anyway? One teacher said that disbelieving something undesirable in you is not holy, it is more ego.

Instead, I am not putting energy into this belief. I recognize it has surfaced. I recognise it as untrue. And now I let it go. It might pop up again, and I will look at it, then let it go. As many times as I need to do so. I simply won’t identify with this belief, or any of my beliefs.

That won’t make me a better person. Hopefully, it will be one more aspect of self that I not longer hold on to. It is a tremendous movement back to my still point, to conscious awareness. And maybe it is one step towards Oneness with you.

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Wanting and Desire: Two Aspects of Aphrodite

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Chocolate or vanilla?

Italian or Chinese?

Chicken or beef?

So often we see the idea of wanting as choice between options. Sometimes they are options of things in front of us. Other times its things we have seen that now we would like on Life’s Menu for us. But really, these are preferences. 

A few years ago, I attended “Priestess School”. I participated in a full day ritual exploring the dual aspects of Aphrodite.  Aphrodite is the Greek Goddess of Beauty, Fertility and Love in its most noble and pure form. However, she also appears in another but no less powerful aspect, in her role as the Goddess of Sexual and Pleasurable Love. We performed a ritual where the women who identified with the noble and pure and spiritual form of love formed one circle, and the women who identified with the sexual and pleasurable love formed a circle within it.
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I identified with the spiritual love and felt a sense of belonging with the other women who did as well. Our power was in spiritual consciousness.  We were intent, the movement of energy. I was moved and stirred by the women who identified with sexual love. Their power was in desire, in letting their wanting be apparent and open. We paired with a woman from the other group and released into eye gazing. I felt union with a woman whose name I do not know. I felt the connection I have felt with others in Tantric energy and spiritual practice. I felt envy that these women were connected with a knowledge of wanting that I did not have at that time. It was not limited to sexual wanting – it was an inner connection to what she wants in tangible concrete forms.

For those of us that are Aphrodite rising out of the foam of the ocean, knowing what we want is more subtle. Our wanting comes from the Silence. It comes from the darkness of the ocean. Our wanting shows up in our souls. What we want is the same as the Aphrodite of desire: love, union, oneness. For us, it doesn’t have to take the form of romantic relationship.  For us,  it is manifest in all aspects of our lives.
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What do you want? Recognize that the answer is not in preferences.  It is not going to be more money, a trip to India, or more success at work. It will be subtle, and will be more of a feeling, an energy, a movement of energy. It may be completely opposite from what you think you prefer. Yet there will be a peace when you can sense it. There is a slow and honey sweet Yes that emerges in you.

How do I know? Because I have learned how to hear my wanting in the foam of the water and the flow of Spirit.

When Abundance Masquerades As Fear

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I proudly call myself “the AND person”: if I am presented with cake OR ice cream, I choose cake AND ice cream. If I can’t decide between two scarves, I buy them both. If you can’t decide between two things, I buy them both for you as a gift. And I celebrate deeply the abundance in that.

But recently I have uncovered an ego pattern in that behaviour. It is true I am generous. It is true I am abundant. And what is also true is that I hate being restricted.

I do not like being told what to do. I don’t like turning something down – when might the opportunity arise again? I really don’t like not having what I want. Now.

It sounds like a petulant child when it is expressed like that. And I have acted like a petulant child before when someone (usually a partner or an authority figure) tells me not to do something.

I was so clear that being AND was freedom; yet it is how I protect myself from feeling trapped. In tantra, this is a form of possession. It is holding on to a belief that is so false that I cannot see the truth of my being.

I am going to miss “AND”. It will still be part of celebration and generosity. Now that I have seen it trick me into feeling free of restriction, it will never be the same again.

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If You Are Happy and You Know It

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“You are happier than I have ever seen you.” I have heard that from family and friends over and over.

I can’t disagree. This year, I am manifesting within minutes of my desires. When I feel fears about abundance, something I desire shows up free or incredibly inexpensively. I went to see Chriss Angel for $30. That got me the worst seats in the house but I was happy to be there. Five minutes before the show started, I was moved to the $200 seats. Other times, it’s been free coffee.

My underlying True Self is driving now. I find my ego rejecting healthy goals and my aware self is overriding it. The other night, I wanted to go home and order pizza. What I actually did was go grocery shopping AND cook a terrific meal. I still can’t explain it – I was really tired and a bit headachey. The next day, I woke up, meditated and did yoga.

I have also never been healthier. Throughout my relationships, I had a chronic cough that was so bad I would double over in pain. As the men left my life, so did the cough. I am not suggesting they were the cause – my consciousness in the relationships was the cause.

My “posse” would tell you it’s the changes in my circumstances. They would point to my really fulfilling job. Or to the ending of my dysfunctional romantic relationships. Or to raw cooking. And on and on…

But I think it is more like this:

“The process is therefore one of recognition. We recognize that there is peace now, even if your mind is confused. You may see that even when you touch upon peace now, the mind is so conditioned to move away from it that it will try to argue with the basic fact of peace’s existence within you: “I can’t be at peace yet because I have to do this, or that, or this question hasn’t been answered, or that question hasn’t been answered, or so–and–so hasn’t apologized to me.” There are all sorts of ways that the egoic mind can insist that something needs to happen, something needs to change, in order for you to be at peace. But this is part of the dream of the mind. We’re all taught that something needs to change for us to experience true peace and freedom.” -Adyashanti

Bottom line: I know who I am as an aware consciousness. I can let go of the grip of ego. I recognize when ego wants something instead of being in the beauty of what is. I am happy and I know it!

Desire

As you imagine and visualize and verbalize your new story, in time you will believe the new story, and when that happens, the evidence will flow swiftly into your experience. A belief is only a thought you continue to think; and when your beliefs match your desires, then your desires must become your reality. ~Abraham Hicks

I sat in my car outside the building with For Lease upon it.  It was a beautiful building, well placed for an emerging healing and arts community.  Next door was a thriving and well known wellness business that I had just toured in order to find possible workshop spaces.  As I sat there, I called the leasing office to get prices. I wanted a building and a space for my personal and spiritual development business.  I had to do something! I cannot afford to take on the space right now, so I began calling different friends and posing the question to them: How can I get this business going? Where might I find investors? How will I build a business in such a saturated market?

desireAs a business person, I actually know the answer to all these questions, but a part of me needed others to say it out loud, and to energize my vision.  I drove around noticing my state of energy.  I was energetically aroused – not to be confused with sexual arousal, which is also an energetic arousal – and I needed release from that aroused energy.  I had to do something! I had to make something happen!  I suddenly realized that this was desire.

So, I pulled over and began to do some inner inquiry with this energy.  At one level, I had to release the idea that I had to Do anything, or that the business I desire is somehow better than the other activities I am currently engaged in, that in fact are all aspects of service. That relaxed my mind a little bit to allow more open exploration and inquiry to occur.

I am used to Doing, to making things happen.  This week, I have been working with 5 different partners on ways to do workshops and community development in other countries.  The planning feels amazing, as visioning usually does.  With each project, I have been the one to do the budgets and business cases.  In all of them, the number one dependency is on reaching a wide enough audience and market to fill the workshop seats.  This is my biggest weakness in business, so of course it is the one area I have to take on.  One part of taking that on is talking to as many people as possible about the vision, seeing if it is something they want, and finding ways to encourage them to be partners in that in some way.

I listened to my tantra class this morning, and I was reminded that there is nothing I must Do.  To believe I can control anything is a false belief of reality.  I only need to set an intent, and follow the flow of energy that shows alignment with the universe. I know that it is part of my path to teach. It always has been.  I am a teacher at heart, and my vow of consciousness means I will be in service and teach.  I know that part of my soul group is teaching, and when I connect with the energy of spirits to guide me on the path, they are always sages and wise teachers.dance1

And so, I recognize the energy of desire as something to guide me, and to harness my ability to keep moving my thoughts towards alignment with that desire.  Thoughts need energy, and desire is a great energy to use.  The joy of noticing the flow of energy in all things, not just the body but in thoughts, is to be in touch with that great flow of Oneness.  It is a connector to the field of consciousness everywhere, and invites co-creation. I am looking forward to moving my feet towards that vision, but moving them as a dance, not a forced march.