I spent most of today crying. It is ok – I have been carrying too much from my life, and it is time to release it. Tears are healing. And I am committed to healing.
“Mommy, I think your love is broken,” said my 5 year old daughter/guru.
“Why do you say that?” I asked.
“Because you are crying alot even when daddy isn’t here. I think your parents must have broken your love,” she answered. Of course, she is right, in that my roots of codependency started there. And yesterday in counseling I uncovered my defense pattern for when I feel like I am not important enough or not good enough to receive something.
“You are right,” I said. “What do you think I should do?”
“Just keep trying Mommy. You will get your love back.” And with that, my 5 year old guru turned her attention back to the Tinkerbell movie we were watching.
So what do you do when your love is broken? I am not talking about love for another. While I am working through the impacts of codependency with Bhikku, and I am fully aware that I have similar patterns emerging and healing with Bhikku, I am not talking about a broken heart. I have a history with all men, including bosses actually, of triggering a feeling in them of not being good enough for me. On the surface, it was easy for me to write off as circumstance, not psychology. I am highly educated, and the men in my life have no post secondary education. I am very efficient and practical – I am known as a person who gets things done. Bhikku calls me a Master Manifestor. And so it is…even the bad things.
I am talking about what you do when the love you should have for yourself is not there. This Psychology Today article is a good starting point:
- Honoring yourself and who you really are. Love is your birthright. As Teilhard de Chardin said, “We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
- Telling the highest truth, which is that we are powerful beings capable of creating joy and success or pain and suffering in our lives. We are not destined to be victims. We have the power to choose, and this power is both the greatest responsibility we have and the greatest opportunity.
- Honoring who you are becoming. Self-love involves recognizing that you are constantly evolving and growing to become a more powerful and more loving being.
- Honoring your feelings and responding to those feelings. Remember, feelings are important signals, and even the so-called negative feelings of anger and fear serve the important purpose of alerting us to the obstacles in our life.
- Recognizing that the universe is literally made of love. “If we will just open ourselves to receive, like flowers opening to the sun, then everything is possible,” says Ti Caine, hypnotherapist and life coach based in Sherman Oaks, California.
These are not new truths to me. I literally will need to go back to getting to know myself. I willingly entered into a codependent relationship with Bhikku. I cannot blame him, as it served me as well, until I changed. I am still using the same pattern with the Magus. I feel like I am not important to him, so I pull back or put out conditions that he must meet in order to have the relationship continue. And, he responds by pulling back and being willing to be without the relationship. It is my own pattern being used on me! The universe may be love, but I think it may be a bit ironic and humourous too. Just saying…
I think what I like about Tantra is it starts with the idea of self-love, of total wholeness. Osho says:
“Tantra trusts in your body. Tantra trusts in your senses. Tantra trusts in your energy. Tantra trusts in you – in toto. Tantra does not deny anything but transforms everything. How to attain to this Tantra vision? This is the map to turn you on, and to turn you in, and to turn you beyond. The first thing is the body. The body is your base, it is your ground, it is where you are grounded. To make you antagonistic towards the body is to destroy you, is to make you schizophrenic, is to make you miserable, is to create hell. You are the body. Of course you are more than the body, but that ‘more’ will follow later on. First, you are the body. The body is your basic truth, so never be against the body. Whenever you are against the body, you are going against God. Whenever you are disrespectful to your body you are losing contact with reality, because your body is your contact, your body is your bridge. Your body is your temple. Tantra teaches reverence for the body, love, respect for the body, gratitude for the body. The body is marvelous, it is the greatest of mysteries.”
The first thing my counselor says when I tell her about something is “where is that in your body? what does it feel like?” I have been so disconnected from my body and my emotions that I sometimes cannot answer that simple question. I cannot identify what I am feeling. My starting point in healing that love is to spend time feeling love for me. The reason Kundalini Dance worked so well is it allowed me to feel wholeness and love and divine energy through my body, and my mind, and my emotions. So, while dance class may be over, the lessons are not. What I did in Kundalini Dance is not much different from self-healing in Reiki, but with a focus on love and connection to me as well as the Divine.
I am going to keep trying, until I get my love back.