Repaired With Gold

gold potOne of the fun parts of my incarnation is that I fall a lot.  When I was a teen, I would fall going UP the stairs.  In university, I would run for the bus and slip on grass. I have fallen down stairs and broken my wrist.  I fell when climbing a fence a year ago, and hurt a few spots.  This month, I fell on my own knee while planting my vegetable garden, and bruised my ribs.  Bruised ribs and broken ribs feel the same, but have less risk when bruised.

I have a high pain tolerance, yet these ribs tested that.  I would say my pain history in life would go: broken wrist, child birth, bruised ribs.

And yet, I am deeply grateful for this injury.  I learned how many people love me in my life – a reflection of how Life loves me.  I had friends show up out of no where to help.  Some picked my child up from school because driving was too hard and probably unsafe for me.  Some friends fed me.  Some friends watched my pets.  Some friends checked in on me and sent me love. As much as my rib could not support me, my circle DID support me.

More than that, it was a deeply spiritual experience.  No one but you can explore your relationship with pain.  For the first time, I understood what my teacher, Christopher Wallis, meant when he said that you get to a point in life of being grateful for everything, even dog poop.  My gratitude for what this has opened in me is profound. When I shared that with him, he wrote this to me:

“You’re more beautiful for having been broken.

People tend to think that something has gone wrong when they’re wounded, or hurt, or broken, and that healing is fixing that wrongness and getting ‘back’ to a good or ‘normal’ condition. But consider this: just as, in the context of weight training, the muscles need to actually tear (get damaged) in order to rebuild stronger, why not consider the parallel possibility that we actually *need* to get hurt/wounded/broken in order to grow stronger and more compassionate?

In that light, nothing ever goes ‘wrong’. And being wounded can be a gift.

The Japanese have a word for this, from the context of artfully repaired pottery: kintsukuroi, “more beautiful for having been broken.” – Christopher Wallis

When I told a friend I could not visit her because I needed to rest, she offered to do healing work with me.  I turned her down, because I was loving the work I was doing on my own.  I shared that with her, and she commented I was handling it with ease and grace and a smile on my face.  I absently agreed, but inside I knew that was not the truth of it.

To handle it with ease and grace and a smile would be to deny what is.  The pain is.  Sometimes I am at ease.  Sometimes I am not.  Sometimes I am smiling, and sometimes I am irritable or crying.  Why should I be at ease and grace and smiling? That is some form of spiritual overlay on how we think spiritual people are – these detached spirits walking on air and sunshine.  What is true is that I am not suffering from the beliefs I lay over the pain.  I remember the quotation: In life, pain is inevitable.  Suffering is optional. – Haruki Murakami

I like the words of Matt Licatta on what happens as we grow spiritually and heal:

“There was an idea that as you healed, you would feel less. That as you awakened, the emotional spectrum would narrow, into some safe, consistent, happy, resolved calm. But you are seeing that love continues to ask you to feel more, to hold and metabolize the full-spectrum of a broken open world.

There was an old hope that as your heart opened, the vulnerability would diminish, the shakiness would fall away, the tenderness would yield… but you are more raw now than ever before.

There was an old belief that as you deepened on the path that you’d be more detached, untouchable, not care so much about others and the world, resting as the great “witness” beyond it all, in some safe, constructed place of observation. But somehow, everything and everyone matter now more than ever, in spontaneous, unexpected ways.

Something new is being born inside you, but something else is dying. Rather than prematurely forcing rebirth to emerge, turn into the uncertainty, the contradictions, and the purity of the death of an old dream. For it is here that the womb of new life is to be found, where the raw materials of resurrection are woven into being by the Great Weaver herself.

While this level of trust may be disorienting to a mind longing for resolution, the body knows… the heart knows. Trust in the fires of disintegration. And the birth that can arise only from the ashes of that level of grace.” – Matt Licatta

Falling into the Wind

There is an indoor skydiving center that I went to in Las Vegas. It uses a jet propeller to approximate free fall. You get on the net in a suit built like a flying squirrel, the jets turn up and you float.

To stay in the stream requires surrender. You must give yourself over to the experience. 

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Life requires that same surrender.  If I get against what is, I suffer. If I fight against what was,  I suffer. When I surrendered,  like falling into the Wind…I found spacious happiness.

How many years did I spend in a battle with what is only to be followed by a battle with what was? How incredible is the grace that has shown me this and moved me to surrender?

This isn’t about giving up or glossing over what is. When you fight what is, you narrow your options. When you surrender to what is, you are open to all possibilities. You can respond from a wise and loving place.

Every moment led to this moment. Every moment is part of the Divine flow. Every moment leads to awareness and awakening.

Falling into the Wind…now…and now…and now.

Dum ditty dum

“You are in the best position possible,” said my very pragmatic brother when I was talking my way through some emotional baggage, “you are free to be anything, do anything. You are standing in the middle of everything you could ever want to be.”

At the time, I was too overwhelmed to hear my own creation manifesting, but since then I have been able to reflect on how beautiful it is to be free.  Freedom is an inner place, not a space of circumstances.  That being said, inner freedom manifests as external freedom too.

I remember a few years ago, feeling trapped by my choices.  Trapped into a specific career, a certain earning power, certain expectations from my family, requirements for sustaining relationships I didn’t want, and ultimately trapped in my own self image.  It was a self image of Not Enough.  So, no matter how much I did at work, it was never enough to result in improvements for people.  No matter what I earned, there was always something coming up that brought debt.  My family was distanced from me emotionally, or conversely they were too needy.  People I had felt connection with were demanding too much from me, or were reflections to me of what I was not and didn’t want to be. But mostly, I was trapped in a place of such limited consciousness that I couldn’t see all of that before me.  I was putting my energy into sustaining things I didn’t even want because I was afraid of who I was when all of that was no longer there.

But…something inside of me was not trapped, was fully and blissfully aware, and was moving me.  The deep longing inside me for living an awakened life was making it impossible for me to stay in a life of illusion and limitation.

So today, a few months later, I am taking a look at what IS in my life.  Your life is a reflection of your beliefs, and your consciousness.  What I have today is incredible: a daughter beyond compare, a powerful spiritual partnership with a lifelong friend/co-parent/business partner, a circle of friends who are all living consciously and new people coming in to that circle more than ever before.  I am teaching personal and spiritual development which is probably my true calling, and the opportunities to do more of that with really insightful and evolved people are exploding. People and opportunities that I could not have even imagined just walk up to me! I am surrounded by love whenever I need it.  I am accessing teachers who hold the insights to my deepest desires and longings: to transcend and embody that in the world.

Is it a lofty vision? I don’t think so. I tell people I’ve taken a vow of consciousness. I am happy, and I feel purposeful. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. It is all blissfully meaningless. Dum ditty dum…:)

It’s just a jump to the left and a step to the right…

Rocky-Horror-Picture-ShowThe Rocky Horror Show was one of the kooky things I remember from being an undergraduate.  As the President of the Psychology Students’ Association, I did a number of things to show my commitment to the success of this club: I wore a rat suit and ran around the university handing out cheese/applications to psychology students,  selling hot dogs, showing Blue Velvet (the movie) and hosting a Freudian analysis of it, and organizing a 200 person showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  I was a Rocky Horror Show “virgin” at the time, and had no idea what I was in for!  It was by far our most successful fundraiser. I knew nothing about it at all, no preconceived notion of how it would turn out.  I just never doubted it would sell out. And it did.

Today I realized I am tired, which is not what I expected from my own business.  I am struggling to get through my days right now, and that troubles me.  I am also not generating the business that I would like to see, even though I am making many business development calls.  So I know that the limiting belief is in me, and it is for me to reveal it.

This is what came up…

  • To be successful, I need to put in long hours
  • Work environments are fraught with “biting dogs” (nasty people)responsible for my own happiness
  • My prices are too high
  • I cannot take time during the day to refresh myself
  • I need to lie to get out of appointments that don’t support my wellbeing or my priorities that day

Those are beliefs that I have carried for a long time, and were taught to me by others.  I have found myself looking at my vision board, and looking AWAY instead of putting energy into my business vision.  My body begins to rebel when my eyes turn to my vision and I begin to clench.  No wonder my business is draining me! What is getting energy is actually the beliefs above, not MY vision!

abundanceCheck1Instead, I have turned back to the cornerstone of spiritual creation: Gratitude.  I imagined my vision when I have balanced time, where I put my needs first (me and loved ones), then those of my business, then my volunteer commitments. I imagined the feeling of helping organizations develop their potential.  I imagined the feeling of signing contracts every week, every month.  I saw people seeking me out, and welcoming me when I called to see if I could help them with anything.  I saw days where I had no appointments and focused on learning.  Days where I went to the park.  Days where I developed new products and took risks.  I have money to support the rest of my vision.  And I put energy into how great that was. I felt the gratitude of how my life feels when I let go of those limiting beliefs.  Wow!

And all that takes is just a jump to the left and a step to the right…And so it is. abundance

 

Love Stories

My Spiritual Mother demonstrated an important spiritual lesson to me this week. When I sent her the (inevitable?) text about my fears around the Magus, she gently ignored me. In other words, instead of calling me and giving me a “There, There”, she decided not to put energy into that message. Which is precisely what I needed. The Yogi Amandeep Singh had told me that when doubts start barking at me, I am to ignore them and not put energy into them. In the end, I chose bluea different type of consciousness, and The Magus and I had conversations that we have never had before. In a moment of clarity, I moved from fear to love and saw how perfect everything in front me is right now.

And as I came to that realization myself, this post appeared in my Facebook timeline (have you noticed that you will receive exactly the wisdom you need when you need it???):

“Whatever is or is not happening in your life right now is perfect. You are perfectly okay, regardless of how you are feeling or what you are now experiencing. Take this moment to relax into a surrendered attitude of just letting it all be okay. Settle into the peaceful awareness that nothing is truly the matter. You are alive, and just as you have arrived at where you are now, you will continue to… arrive at where you will be tomorrow, and the next day. For the present, you are in your perfect place, and you have done everything as well as you have known how to do or been able to do. You are not wrong or lacking. Everything is okay.

As you enter fully into an acceptance of the now moment as essentially perfect, you discover a spacious freedom to continue to evolve. A deeply felt awareness of your oneness arises. Right now, everything is perfect in your life, and all is in divine order. ” – From today’s Daily Guide by Kathy Juline, SOM May 2013.

Today, I am going to tell you some of the Love Stories that happened to me this week as a meditation of gratitude.

flower1Thank You Patrick Cameron

This week, I had lunch with the spiritual leader of my church. We don’t get together often, but there is always a purpose when we do. Patrick shared his stories from his visit to John of God, and the vibrational energy of love and consciousness was strong in him. Patrick asked me about my life, and celebrated my joys (my business is going really well!) and my sadness (around letting Bhikku go), and my confusion (around the Magus), and my sense of clarity and purpose (about choosing to quit my job, go back to my true business love, and step into the flow of abundance and fulfillment and healing). He surrounded me with love and compassion, and clarity of consciousness. Thank you Patrick!

Thank you Gabrielleflower2

Gabrielle takes care of my daughter, but she does more than that. She makes my child feel loved, and she uses her creativity to create a special space for the two of them. When she asked me to help her with her resume and career planning, I could not say YES fast enough. But in our meeting this week, I ended up being the one who received the gift. I saw all the ways I had overcome my own doubts and fears around business as I coached her. The answers came easily. Which added more happiness in choosing to build my beautiful business. (She is also very talented so keep your eyes on her – she is going to change the world with her spiritual magnificence.) Thank you Gabrielle!

flower3Thank you Jeff

I have a business affiliate who is also my friend. I have hired him a few times, he has hired me a few times…LOL. And when I was sure it was time for me to make a change and leave my job, he supported me in setting my vision for my business. This week, we put our creative energy together again, and he gave me so much confidence in what happens when I bring my creative consciousness to business. Thank you Jeff!

Thank you MarionSpring_Flower_002

Marion will possibly never read this blog, but she has gradually been turning into a surrogate grandmother to me. She recruited me onto a board at a time I had neither the energy nor the mental health for it, and she has supported me in my healing and growth every time we meet. She listens to me, encourages me, and has this powerful vision of who I am that never wavers, even when it does for me. She gave me a place to have my needs to be valued and building a community when the energy and pain of working in my prior organization was just too overwhelming. And she is my vision for how I want to be when I am 70! This week she turned to me out of the blue and said “I am so glad I met you.” Thank you Marion.

flower5Thank you Sister Priestess

My little sister priestess did exactly what she always does, and lovingly called me out on my own fears. By shining light on it, it helped me decide that the fear was not my truth. Thank you Jen!

Thank you Ruthflower7

Ruth epitomizes Friendship to me. She offers me the practical solid support that makes me feel valued and loved. Whenever she sees me wandering off into Anxiety Land, she checks in on me, and that reminds me of how blessed I am to have her. She is unwavering in Being There. And that is amazing. Thank you Ruth!

flower8Thank you Spiritual Mother

I have a beautiful friend, who is probably responsible for me moving to this city. She was part of the interview panel nearly 10 years ago, and I remember telling Bhikku I felt a strong spiritual pull to come here, even though I had doubts about the job I was considering (I was right on both counts, in the end!). She has been the Divine Mother to me often, and moves effortlessly from friend to Spiritual Mother and back again. As I said, this week she gently refused to put energy into my repeated fear pattern. And she still checked in with me later, to support ME, not my circumstances. She gave me space to do my work while she held me in a place of love. Thank you!

Thank you Bhikku

A pink lotus flower and lily pads with saturated colorIn Bhikku, I have family, friend, and business partner. On Tuesday, while I was living my Dark Night of the Soul, he enveloped me in his arms and surrounded me with quiet compassion. He listened to me go to my darkest places, and just listened. He didn’t feed them, he didn’t try to fix me. He just held me in love and kept putting energy into the truth of who I am, when I could not. It felt good to be lovingly connected and supported by one of my most familiar soul friends. I can see why I fell in love with him many years ago, and I am blessed to have all the best parts of our relationship as we grow as new Spiritual Partners. I am profoundly grateful for you. Thank you Shmily!

Thank you, my Magus

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The Magus patiently taught me many things this week. He acknowledged our relationship, something I have wished for, and presented me with insight into my own areas for healing by labelling it an “Open relationship”. I still have work to do on betrayal consciousness, and those words surfaced more of it. He gave me the opportunity to practice Spiritual Partnership by asking myself how I needed to show up in the relationship, instead of focusing on all the ways we don’t fit the Traditional relationship model. He easily forgave me for my lapse in consciousness, and then opened himself up to a new and powerful conversation about some of his own deeper beliefs. My daughter and I had to go to ER this week, and without asking him to, he showed up, sat beside me, held and energetically healed my daughter. He stayed til 4 in the morning, after supporting his own family in the passing of his grandmother. And when I most needed space and time to be ME, invited me for massage, dinner, and a movie. He managed to slip in a trip to Ikea to pack the bookshelves I wanted into the car because I had not been able to physically manage that on my own last weekend (and I whined about it in Woe is Me ways…that is too common for me and will also change). Thank you My Beautiful Magus.

Thank you, thank you, thank you
Divine Love, I am grateful for the beautiful ways my life is unfolding. I am grateful to be loved and supported in the times that my ego is more powerful than my remembering of Oneness. I am so grateful.

Integration

After every yoga practice, you enter into a pose called Shavasana.  The purpose of this pose can seem like it is a time to rest, and after an intense session, that may very well be what you are doing.  The purpose of this pose is also integration. Integration is when we bring the lessons of the practice into our being, moving things from the subconscious into the conscicorpse-pose-savasanaous.  We are integrating new awarenesses.  It is kinda like syncing your iPhone…*L*

That process of integration is a key part of developing greater self-awareness, consciousness, and emotional competence.

“Emotional competence requires:

-The capacity to feel our emotions, so we are aware when we are experiencing stress;

-The ability to express our emotions effectively, and thereby to assert our needs and to maintain integrity of our emotional boundaries;

-The facility to distinguish between psychological reactions that are pertinent to the present situation and those that represent residue from the past. What we want and demand from the world needs to conform to our present needs, not to unconscious needs from childhood. If distinctions between past and present blur, we will perceive loss or threat of loss where none exists; and

-The awareness of those genuine needs that do require satisfaction, rather than their repression for the sake of gaining the acceptance or approval of others.”

from Gabor Mate, When the Body Says No

wholeness-thumbTechnically, this has been a stressful week.  I received news that my biopsy was clear; I confronted several difficult issues at work; I explored some new opportunities for myself; I processed huge healing conversations with Bhikku; I called a collaborative divorce lawyer; I began my creation work on my future; and I worked on my own sadness.  Through all of this, I have had the support of many.  My Magus, some very good friends and prayer partners, Bhikku, my child, , my family…the blessings abound really.  And I am ok.  Really, really ok.

The reason I quoted Gabor Mate was sort of a check for myself to see if I can truly say I am ok, or if I am trying to make it look like I am ok.  First, I am not binging, which is a sign I am ok.  I have expressed my emotions a lot this week, including going to people to talk, expressing my pain to Bhikku, and worked through my anger when people crossed my boundaries this week.  I have learned that my anger is a sign post, not something I should feel guilty about, and that it usually means a boundary of mine has been crossed.

My unconscious needs from childhood, however, still likely emerge.  I feel threat where none exists.  I over reacted to my mother this week, rooted in that same pain.  I am struggling to let go of my lifelong belief that men leave.  From this belief, I have manifested it as truth.  It is not true – and I know that.  This week was the final week of Kundalini Dance, and the focus was the integration of masculine and feminine energy.  I found myself attracted to the idea of working on the energies of “Father, lover, brother” but also apprehensive.  And so I know that my next healing has to do with male relationships.  This may be why I am interested in tantra; connecting with a masculine energy that is not diluted by ego may be what I need to be able to truly love the masculine.

brain-manmoonAbove all else, I am going into this season of light to integrate my learnings as I do my next creation.  I release co-dependency in all its forms, and I embrace my wholeness.  I am love, I give love, and I receive love. I embrace the changes and health emerging in my physical being.  I celebrate the opening to the new.  As scary as change can be, I am so excited by what is emerging…I can see the edges of it.

I cannot begin to list the blessings I see in my life, nor do I have the words for the gratitude around it.  As I wrap my gifts for others today, I have a full awareness that they are symbols only of the gifts from the Divine that fill my life every day in every way.  And so it is!

Thank you, thank you, thank you: The power of 3 and 12-12-12

I do not know much about numerology, but today on 12-12-12, I admit my curiosity has been peaked.  It is auspicious, not only because we will not see a set of dates like this again for 89 years, but because of the significance of the spiritual guidance in the date itself.  It is a date that heralds the release of old patterns, and the manifestation of our best intentions. Dec 12

Yesterday, I was journaling using the book The Magic, and I came upon a section that asked me to come up with my Top Ten list of things I want to manifest.  This is the time of year I do that reflection anyway, to prepare for my New Year’s creation.  I have been doing a creation ritual on New Year’s Day for at least 20 years, and I am a pretty good manifester.  This chapter asked me to make my list in the following way:

“Thank you, thank you, thank you for …(whatever great thing you want to manifest).”

quantum-consciousnessShe said that 3 was a significant number for creating.  And of course, the numbers 12-12-12 are related to 3 so now I was really curious.  Apparently, it is the most important and powerful number of all.  The number 3 connects all other numbers, and is known for love and service to humanity.  So, when we express gratitude three times, we are drawing on the significance of the power of 3.

I am not sure how I view numerology.  I do know that something remarkable happened inside of me energetically when I said Thank You 3 times.  When I am really excited, I often say “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”.  I found that by saying my gratitude three times, my creative energy and enthusiasm increased.  I immediately felt happier.  And when you create, you need that strong positive energy to move the manifestation forward.

I was sharing with the Magus how wonderful it felt to say Thank You 3 times.  He jokingly asked me what it would feel like to hear Thank You said three times.  Later in the evening, he expressed his gratitude to me three times for something small I did for him, and I thought my face would split open and burst forth with light for how big a smile it elicited on my face.

All over the world, we are being asked to use the energy of today to manifest peace and emerging consciousness for the planet.  Today, as you set your intentions, try playing with the power of 3 and say Thank You 3 times.  It really feels great!

Consciousness