My Sister Pleiades

My spiritual partner has a powerful way of connecting with me when I am in my process of awakening. After listening intently, with her whole being, she says, “I see you.”

When I was in counseling, I found words to describe my childhood. It was a childhood cut short by assuming the adult and parental role at 13. I was responsible for the care of 4 people while holding some twisted privilege for this. It was a cycle of codependency I replicated in my significant romantic relationships. So for most of my life, I felt invisible.

I was drawn to men who were equally invisible, who needed me in some way. Generally, I saw and supported who they could be and they showed me gratitude. I confused this for love and connection.

The end of those relationships marks the most significant turning point in my path of consciousness. With fierce Grace, I embarked on deep retreat and committed to my path of awakening. Everything in my life dissolved and then realigned behind this intention.

Before that, a desperate part of myself once said I would stand before My Then Love once I was fully healed and ask him to see me, to love me. What I didn’t know is that as I deepened in healing and awakening, I would not want to stand in front of him or ask anything of him.

So why is it so powerful when my spiritual partner tells me she sees me? Possibly because I am not asking her to. Possibly because she sees my awakened self and my egoic self equally and with love for both. Possibly because seeing each other is the foundation of our partnership.

In my deepest core, I believe we could go for decades without talking, and with a single moment of connection we would see each other. It reflects what is true on our path. It reflects our lack of attachment.

There is no greater gift.

(I have a few Sisters who have grown in spiritual partnership with me. This piece is not a diminishing of my love for them. What I have in essence in partnership with them is such as this too. The title references the 7 sisters who were with Artemis, and honors all my Sisters).

Wounds of the Past

For many years, I would develop bronchitis and the cough would last for weeks. I noticed the relationship between that and the romantic relationships I had. When the relationships ended, so did the coughs. 

It surprised me to get a bad flu with a cough this week. But, it makes sense: the September full moon pulls out whatever needs excavation and release. Shortly after the moon, I worked with a kula mate on a new technique and she surfaced old relationship issues embedded in places I had not explored. 

The full moon opens us to letting go and embracing the new. Something very different was occurring for me: several people were showing up from my life in new ways to support me. 

The most beautiful is my daughter. As I coughed last night, she would put her hand on me. The coughing would stop. She slept with me and even in her sleep, if I coughed she put her had on me and it stopped. I recalled all the nights I slept sitting up with her in my arms too. The circle of love and caring  is there.  

I am so grateful for this process. This change is amazing. Seeing my self in contrast to old patterns, and without some of the old patterns, is profound. 

Loving this cycle of life. 

Fun With…Deconstructing Facebook Memes

treat bad

Just for fun, I have started using the inquiry techniques from Byron Katie’s The Work on Facebook memes.  I had two come through my feed that are in direct opposition to each other, that inspired me to try this out.

The first says “If someone treats you bad, just remember there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don’t go around destroying other people.” The second one says “Never reject anybody in your life, because good people give us happiness and bad people give us experience.  Both are essential in life.”

Never Reject Anybody In Your Life, Because Good People Give Us Happiness And Bad People Give Us Experience. [QuotePix.com]

Is it True?

I am going to deconstruct the first one so this doesn’t take forever to read.  Is it true that if someone treats you badly, something is wrong with them, not you? Is it true that Normal people don’t go around destroying other people? My immediate psychological knowledge of mediation and doing investigations can surface proof that if someone treats you badly, there are many possible sources of why that is occurring.  My spiritual knowledge tells me that these types of things are co-created.  I also would be curious about what is normal, and how another can destroy me.

Can you absolutely know it is true?

Since I can argue against a few assumptions in the meme, I do not believe that this could ever absolutely be true.

How do you react, what happens when you believe this thought?

If I believed that something was wrong with other people, I would be less empathetic.  It would entrench me in separation. It would lead to ways I could judge others and justify it.  I would feel like a victim.  I would begin searching for normal people, who may be people who have the same woundedness as me or see the world with the same beliefs I do.  I would close off from other options.  I would feel defensive.

Who would I be without the thought?

Ironically, I would be a bit like the second meme.  I would be open to how this experience is happening for me instead of to me. I would be free.  I would know I have the opportunity to change my experience.

Turnarounds

Possible turnarounds of that thought could be:

  1. If (I feel like) someone treats me badly, something is wrong with me (my view of the situation).  How do I know this is true? When I have used curious questions to understand others or what they have done, I don’t experience it the same way.  When I have used non-violent communication, the situation has often turned out to be about needs.
  2. Others treating me badly is not in my control.  My problem is how I experience or view it.  How do I know this is true? I know that I cannot control others.  I have found techniques like not judging an experience as good or bad can completely change my emotional experience.
  3. Normal people DO go around destroying other people.  How do I know this is true? Normal is a word that can subtly be used to control how the world is supposed to be according to your world view.  As a leader, sometimes we make decisions that will mean people have to change, or they need to leave the organization – essentially destroying them. No matter what the specific circumstances are, two world views clashed – and that is common and therefore normal.  This sentence is inherently dangerous and controlling in some ways.

What happens when you do turnarounds?

For me, I find that eventually my beliefs are the source of my pain.  My thoughts are the source of pain.  If I view the world without my thoughts or beliefs as a point of reference, there is an openness, a peacefulness and an incredible freedom.

Lunar Eclipse Chewed Me Up and Spit Me Out…Improved

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“Lunar Eclipse* Full Moon in Libra illuminates the shadows and reveals the energetic wounds in our hearts in our relationships to Self and Others. With gentle loving acceptance, it’s time to hold space for it all as we continue to choose love.” Mystic Mama

That says it all, really, about this incredibly powerful energy.  I have had 5 friends describe how they have been torn apart this month, purged and rebuilt. I am no different.

My primary lessons this eclipse were:
– respect and love for myself
– facing spiritual ego
– manifesting abundance
– opening my heart

I was pounded. Tested on all fronts. 

Death. Judgement by strangers. Cleaning up other people’s messes and saying No More. Manifesting unexpected abundance by releasing shame. Deep connection and loving relationship.  Fear of trusting and being hurt. Defending my ego identity as Spiritually Accomplished.

I had my sense of Self sliced apart.

All in 7 days. All. In. 7. Days.

And you know what? My gratitude for this is boundless. I wouldn’t change a minute of it. I was pushed back into truth over and over. I let go of the intensity of one moment because the next wave was seconds away from crashing over me. I didn’t hold on, even to judge myself.

I am the Bionic Woman of spirituality…rebuilt better for having been broken and taken apart.

3 Things That Happen When You Stop Believing Your Own Thoughts

“A thought is harmless unless we believe it. It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering. Attaching to a thought means believing that it’s true, without inquiring. A belief is a thought that we’ve been attaching to, often for years”. – Byron Katie
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What happens if you stop believing your thoughts?

1. You stop feeding drama with thoughts and words

One of the first things I noticed when I stopped believing my thoughts was that I was no longer replaying painful scenarios in my head over and over. I wasn’t anticipating conversations with people and deciding how they should play out.

I found it was much easier to let go of my day. It became easier to be curious about things that happened in my life. I could ask how an event brought me closer to awakening. I stopped believing my story, which was usually told with all my conclusions rather than the observable experience.

2. You stop blaming or judging.

When I stopped believing my thoughts, I realized that right or wrong were also thoughts and beliefs. I could stop beating myself up for not living up to standards (thoughts) I held for myself. I could stop trying to be perfect – defined as always being right and honorable and loving.

Then I could stop judging others. I could look at the belief triggered by another instead of blaming the other. I might still be unable to go to their world but I didn’t need to judge, be angry or afraid of what they could take from me – like showing me I wasn’t perfect according to my definition – and therefore not deserving of love.

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them.” – Byron Katie

3. You no longer suffer because you want something different than what is

The biggest source of suffering comes from resisting what is, and comparing it to what you wish. When you stop believing your thoughts, you stop creating an alternative to what is. You realize that what is happening is exactly as it should be, and it has always been this way.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” – Byron Katie

The best part? You can relax. You don’t have to control everything and everyone. The universe becomes a loving place instead of a human version of Whack a Mole, with unexpected impossible challenges.

Little by little, you release a bit more and become more aligned with what’s true.

Up the Spiral

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I groaned inwardly. “Ugh – this is really bad,” I thought as I read my poetry journals about 8 years ago.  Like many young adults,  I wrote poetry as a means of purging my angst. Or maybe as a passive aggressive expression of my victimhood.  Same, same…

What stood out at the time was how little had changed. I still felt the victim angst even though my life circumstances were completely different and it was many years later. 

With some pleasure, I noticed the opposite when I re-read them now. Sure, I can imagine myself sprawled on the bed writing them. But in all other ways, I don’t connect with the feelings in the writing.

This week, I suffered a setback. I was badly triggered and had anxiety attacks. They have been manageable but I felt some sense of failure. I had not had anxiety for a year and believed the story that I had overcome it with my spiritual superpowers.

In May, my spiritual partner and I went to see Wayne Dyer. I confess that while he had been a significant teacher of mine a decade ago, I had moved away from his work. So I was unprepared for the gift of being in his presence, the love that encircled us all and the connectedness that came to my awareness while we were there. 

When I told my spiritual partner about my slippage into anxiety, she reminded me of something Wayne Dyer talks about and that she herself sees as truth. We all have heard the idea that lessons repeat themselves in life until you learn them. But she reminded me that we also spiral up, that a lesson can come back even after you have done the work, not because you have failed but to build on it to go to the next level. Sort of like powering up to the next level in a video game.

How could I forget that if I set an intention,  what follows MUST be in support of that intention? I have dedicated my life to Truth, to serving from that Truth. I personalized my anxiety as something about ME, instead of seeing it as part of the pattern of Truth being revealed.

I am not fighting where I am at. This is what is. It is neither good nor bad. I suffer when I wish this wasn’t what was. But when I embrace it as part of the Spiral,  it turns into this beautiful gift.  I don’t miraculously pick up my bed and walk (Bible reference – sorry if it doesn’t resonate), but I do relax, stop grasping at what should be, and let go.
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My Self Reclamation Project

When you have been hurt, it can be natural to avoid things that remind you of that hurt. My dog won’t go near a toy that startled him. My daughter avoids opening soda cans since she cut herself on one. And I stopped doing alot of my favorite things because I could relate them to past relationships. 

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It was easy to justify. My spiritual path was about letting go of attachments so clearly it was ok to let go of these activities as part of my past. It was part of letting go of Self. Wasn’t it?

Probably not. It was spiritual hijacking by the ego to protect the ego. 

Over the last year, I have actively and deliberately done things that were associated with emotional pain. What I learned was what the false beliefs were that were attached to each of them.

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I had avoided certain trips because I thought it would be lonely to travel without a partner. It’s not. I had avoided certain Christmas traditions because I thought they would trigger feelings of loss. When I experienced them NOW, not loaded with the past, they were beautiful not painful.

Freedom from the mind is so full of light. And since this is the Season of Light, I am drinking it in.